*** Trigger Warning ***

(The author has “liberally” sprinkled this “conservatively” worded narrative with something like humor, which could upset those who cannot bear having themselves poked fun at. If you are one such, turn back now! If you choose not to turn back, as I expect most to do, then save your nasty comments when finished reading :)

10 light years from Earth and closing aboard the gargantuan, although dilapidated,

Starship BBB:

Our commander slumps in his rocker, a long, disgusting strand of saliva clinging from his lip. He swipes at it with mittened fingers. The question he asks comes out as barely a whisper, so that the captain must lean in to hear it. “Captain Joe, we must have a new home. Our Build Back Bullship can carry us no further. What will be our plan of attack?”

“The Earthlings are a primal, emotionally led species, sir. This planet will be easy to conquer. We will wipe them clean, just as we removed the Uranussians from this same solar system forty million years ago. Captain Kamala and I will go in alone. We will, while acting like bumbling idiot Earthlings, infiltrate the government of the strongest grouping of the highest evolved subset; Americans, they are called. What will take quite a few of their Earth years will be only a minute or so of our time. Once we have established ourselves on the inside we will riddle their institutions with the most ridiculous theories imaginable until the Earthlings shun common sense altogether, and those institutions crumble from within. Once the Americans are weakened, we will, in the guise of peacekeeping, start energy wars across and between the other subsets until they have all destroyed one another. The few idiots who are left in the end will so revere us that it will be simple to convince them to drink our fentanyl laced Gator-aid before we proceed with their life draining colonoscopies.”

“Sounds like a great plan, Captain Joe. When will you begin?”

“Of course it is a great plan. You devised it yourself a millenia or so ago, don’t you remember, Colonel Sanders? We will attack tomorrow. I will go in from the east, Captain Kamala from the west. Once we have attained positions of authority we will use their own emotions against them, as emotions are this species’ weak spot. Our good Dr. Fauscist has created a diabolical disease that we will use to inspire fear and panic worldwide. This fear will make the Earthlings so emotionally unstable that they will be unable to think clearly. We will then play on their innate kindnesses and hatreds to convince them that it is their duty to weaken and destroy the very systems that make them strong; law enforcement, education, media, science, and military. Once Captain Kamala and I have attained the highest positions of power in the Earthling’s strongest country we will make ourselves appear so inept as leaders that those leading the opposing subsets will feel emboldened. Wars will break out amongst them in all corners of the globe. A few of the more intelligent of the species may realize what is happening, but their voices will be cancelled by the fake media outlets we will have created, so that their dissenting brains can be removed for study, and food. Basically, we will allow them to destroy themselves, while suffering zero casualties ourselves, as we achieve ultimate and unhindered success.”

”Beautiful, Captain! The plan sounds fool-proof. Godspeed to you both!”

“Aye, aye! Commander. I must go pack my lunch now, as I will be picnic-ing this afternoon in the lovely Delmarva Valley. I look forward to greeting you on a victorious morrow, Sir!”

And that is how I would conquer the world if I were an alien commander!

Reminder! This is a fictional comedy, with fictional characters. Any names or likenesses of actual people or events is a complete and utter coincidence. Surely you don't think the author to be that shallow!

Translated from жылдыздардын тили

“Your report, Commander.”

“My lord and master of the light, I have concluded that despite the waves of planetary distress we have perceived, we would be best served to wait.”

“Wait? Your task was to plan the invasion and your conclusion is wait? We’ve done nothing but wait.”

“Please, my lord and master of the light, let me explain.”

“Do.”

“The behaviors and actions of the dominant species on the planet are the most relevant cause of the ever-swifter destruction of their home.”

“Yes, yes, which is why you were to plan an invasion. Without floods.”

“Yes, my lord, if you please. Reviewing the history of the dominant species, specifically since they ceased to live in small, self-sufficient communities whose actions were all geared toward ensuring that each member of the group could eat, be clothed and have shelter from the elements, I noted a very significant change.”

“Do tell.”

“The dominant species has gravitated into ever larger groups. It is a mere accident of genesis whether the individual is in a group that endeavors to ensure the well-being of most if not all of its members or if the many exist on the whim of a small few who have collected power to themselves. Between the extremes, of course, are variations.”

“Do you have a point, Commander?”

“Yes, well, I have discovered that when the members of the dominant species feel themselves threatened, they tend to unite with others who find themselves similarly threatened. Thus, if we were to invade, the likelihood is great that although some would welcome our intervention sensing it to be an improvement to the incompetence that abounds amongst the loudest, and some would betray their fellow inhabitants if they thought they themselves would benefit, the ruling powers with military might would gravitate to one another uniting disparate, previously adversarial groups, and make use of the unstable weapons they’ve created in an attempt to eliminate the threat. Us.”

“Impossible. We cannot be destroyed.”

“Well, yes, that is so, my lord and master of all that is light. However, they can destroy each other, as they are destroying themselves presently, incapable of seeing beyond the moment. And not just themselves, but the planet we hope to save.”

“The planet will regenerate. It was made to survive.”

“Yes, and if you please, it is already doing so.”

“What are you talking about?”

“My lord, if we just wait, the planet will save itself.”

“Save itself. Save itself?”

“Earthquakes, typhoons, mudslides, volcanic eruptions, forest fires, melting glaciers, tornados, hurricanes, droughts – the dominant species will continue to be overwhelmed by natural disasters until they will either change…or they won’t. Regardless, nature will win. If and when the species dies, nature will be reborn. Life will begin again. As it has done before."

“It was a little different then…”

“Yes, anyway, the most important weapon of the natural world, of course, are the myriad viruses that have seemed to sprout from the air, (or subspecies) causing finger pointing, if you will, fearmongering, scape-goating – a feast of negative behaviors that have been exploited by their media and on what they call social media. Where once on their planet information was limited in time and scope, now everyone knows everything and, therefore, nothing, immediately. So many untruths have been professed by those who were trusted, and now there are so many avenues of information, it seems everything is a fact and therefore nothing is. There is no truth.”

“Excuse me?”

“Forgive me, my lord and master of the light, You are the Way, the Truth and the Light. But not on this planet. Even those who claim to believe have forgotten how to do unto others as they would have done to themselves as a general point of departure for behavior. As I was saying, the viruses are killing people. The outrage and lack of trust is moving the temperature to boiling and soon anger and despair will finish off what nature alone could not. We need only wait.”

“So, no fire and brimstone?”

“No, my lord. You need not pierce your heart destroying that which you love in order to save it. There is every reason to hope that some will survive nature’s fury and, though history may contradict me, I believe they will learn and be better. Do better."

“Let it be so, Commander. Let us wait.”

“As you wish.”

And in that moment, across the earth, people looked up in awe at the beautiful rainbow in the sky.

The year is 2222. An alien armada just disengaged it’s cloaking device and reveled itself amassed near the earths moon. Anybody at an organization with the capability to witness there arrival appears dumbstruck for a moment. Then their expressions and actions quickly change to a more fearful state. As they frantically reach for phones to inform whomever they must of what has just occurred.

"Who? What? Where? Thats impossible."

"It seems sir it’s possibility is not in question. Its been confirmed by NSA‘s A.I. recognition software. Fingerprints match. Retinas match. Voice is a match. It’s him sir. Though he appears to have barely aged in the two hundred years since he went missing"

"Was the rest of the crew with him Major?"

”No sir. The rest of SPACE X 9 crew is alive and well on the planet they crashed landed on a two century‘s ago. According to Elon they came into contact with a wormhole near the rings of Saturn. That spit them out on a planet in an unknown galaxy and soon discovered a very welcoming alien civilization. There living in a habitable environment by human standards as well. It seems they assimilated in with the natives quite easily. And their customs (SpaceXcrew) eventually became the norm. Spreading thru out the local population"

"Thats a good bit of info Major. Has Elon already been interviewed?"

"No sir he sent a group text to most of the worlds leaders. Explaining such just moments before the armada became visible to earths inbound detection sentry’s. Check your cell Mr President"

"I assume Major we’re on full alert and the dome has been activated to shoot down any inbound payloads. We have to assume this is an alien ploy to keep our guard down"

"Yes sir and your security council is convening in the war room"

"Ok well shit! Lets get down there Major"

"Oh sir and another thing everything on earth powered by Tesla energy cells has received numerous updates to improve efficiency just in the last two minutes. The downloads are still running in fact"

"The invasion has begun Major. See to it everyone is dressed for battle when they arrive. I don’t expect a friendly homecoming"

"Settle down Mr. President. It is I Elon. The Sons of Elon are the most compassionate of people. We breath oxygen and consume food no different than yourself. And are shit stinks as well. We mean you no harm"

Is heard over the p.a. System in the White House. In a voice similar to Elons it is thought.