Will you forgive me?

May I use your name?

Its pitch and sound is soothing and full of, what perhaps some will say, beauty.

She won’t hate me, but instead see me for me,

Then again, she can’t see.

The green on this leaf is strikingly loud, Did you pick this color?

May I trace its edges and caress them with my fingers?

They stand out so green.

A combination of blue and yellow, but from where?

Did you mix the bright light with the shade of the sky?

I’m sure she’ll like them and love them as much as I do.

One time I asked you to help me, remember?

She screamed and was crying,

The loud howls brought me out of oblivion,

They pierced my brain and angered my soul,

They awoke the darkness in my brain and unlocked a closed locker where I hid my secrets.

The keys were her screams,

her thrashing of my being,

May I call it depression? Maybe simple sadness.

I didn’t know what to do, so I called you.

I’m sure you knew. They tell me you knew.

You didn’t make a difference,

but she eventually did stop crying.

The silence was louder than my thoughts as I looked at her rest.

Her pale face and blue eyes reflected the very light I assumed you used to create the green.

I can see her.

She’s still screaming, but silently.

She sits still while her blood trickles out her brain,

And her mouth says nothing.

I’m sure they’re looking for me, but you knew the truth.

I was scared.

When my finger pulled back the tears on my face bounced off from my shaking of fear.

What have I done?

Perhaps, I thought, they’d understand my anxiety.

I’m sure you did.

The tears landed on the ground that seemed to have been sand whilst the powder at the end of the muzzle smoked.

The time slowed and the clock ticked

1…… My tears and her blood levitated as if gravity didn’t exist.

2…… They hit the ground and splashed ever so softly. She looked at me.

3…... I called you….

Three seconds…

She looked back at me.

That pale face with blue eyes drew a line to mine.

Still, the tears rolled to the ground,

They avalanched off my bony cheeks.

They connected with the piney wood on the ground that was sand to me.

Sand that I once sprayed red with the blood of my enemies.

It stained my memories with the hideous sight of children crying,

Of my gloves soaked,

Dripping red that once belonged to a daughter.

Clenching her hand to mine, her eyes gazed at me,

Displaying clear terror and confusion.

They too were blue, but her skin, my, her skin was dark.

Scorched by the sun perhaps.

My hand caressed her soft cotton-like cheeks as her mother howled in anxiety above me.

My overseers scolded me, for the round wasn’t for her, but for the guy next to her.

My uniform didn’t make the difference I had hoped,

In fact, it made no difference.

I called then too, you remember?

She didn’t know why it struck her chest, she never knew why,

Did you forgive me then? I hope you did…

4…… Now, I held her again

This time, her face pale and her skin as white as the clouds in the sky,

My lover,

She looked like the girl who had a mother.

I close my eyes and desire the same as both of them,

Death.

The blood under my skin ran through my veins,

cold like never before, as if I had been injected with ice.

The sirens sounded nearby, and I looked to you, remember?

They broke through the door, told me to freeze, as if it was an option.

My blood was already cold. My heart was dead…. As was she.

I looked for you, for twenty years and I never found you.

Trapped in two cells.

One in my heart and the other over my being.

Here I am now, over her.

Her rotten body has fed the creatures around her,

Her bones most likely break upon being touched,

Her skull, still with the hole I made.

Her body… lying still inside the case,

Are you here now?

If not, I’ll be there soon…. Maybe….

But you understand right? I tried right?

Perhaps, now she’ll understand as well.

The roses now lay at the bottom of the stone.

I lay on them and look at the sky,

The very sky whose blue shade you used for the leaves

the roses still mesmerize me,

I find myself under the midst of a scary silence that draws out my emotions and tears

Here, I sit in a fearful quietness, wishing, praying, and hoping it ends quickly.

The gun is cold, the muzzle might smoke,

But I don’t know.

I hope you understand,

I pray that you’re real