May I use your name?

Its pitch and sound is soothing and full of, what perhaps some will say, beauty.

She won’t hate me, but instead see me for me,

Then again, she can’t see.

The green on this leaf is strikingly loud, Did you pick this color?

May I trace its edges and caress them with my fingers?

They stand out so green.

A combination of blue and yellow, but from where?

Did you mix the bright light with the shade of the sky?

I’m sure she’ll like them and love them as much as I do.

One time I asked you to help me, remember?

She screamed and was crying,

The loud howls brought me out of oblivion,

They pierced my brain and angered my soul,

They awoke the darkness in my brain and unlocked a closed locker where I hid my secrets.

The keys were her screams,

her thrashing of my being,

May I call it depression? Maybe simple sadness.

I didn’t know what to do, so I called you.

I’m sure you knew. They tell me you knew.

You didn’t make a difference,

but she eventually did stop crying.

The silence was louder than my thoughts as I looked at her rest.

Her pale face and blue eyes reflected the very light I assumed you used to create the green.

I can see her.

She’s still screaming, but silently.

She sits still while her blood trickles out her brain,

And her mouth says nothing.

I’m sure they’re looking for me, but you knew the truth.

I was scared.

When my finger pulled back the tears on my face bounced off from my shaking of fear.

What have I done?

Perhaps, I thought, they’d understand my anxiety.

I’m sure you did.

The tears landed on the ground that seemed to have been sand whilst the powder at the end of the muzzle smoked.

The time slowed and the clock ticked

1…… My tears and her blood levitated as if gravity didn’t exist.

2…… They hit the ground and splashed ever so softly. She looked at me.

3…... I called you….

Three seconds…

She looked back at me.

That pale face with blue eyes drew a line to mine.

Still, the tears rolled to the ground,

They avalanched off my bony cheeks.

They connected with the piney wood on the ground that was sand to me.

Sand that I once sprayed red with the blood of my enemies.

It stained my memories with the hideous sight of children crying,

Of my gloves soaked,

Dripping red that once belonged to a daughter.

Clenching her hand to mine, her eyes gazed at me,

Displaying clear terror and confusion.

They too were blue, but her skin, my, her skin was dark.

Scorched by the sun perhaps.

My hand caressed her soft cotton-like cheeks as her mother howled in anxiety above me.

My overseers scolded me, for the round wasn’t for her, but for the guy next to her.

My uniform didn’t make the difference I had hoped,

In fact, it made no difference.

I called then too, you remember?

She didn’t know why it struck her chest, she never knew why,

Did you forgive me then? I hope you did…

4…… Now, I held her again

This time, her face pale and her skin as white as the clouds in the sky,

My lover,

She looked like the girl who had a mother.

I close my eyes and desire the same as both of them,

Death.

The blood under my skin ran through my veins,

cold like never before, as if I had been injected with ice.

The sirens sounded nearby, and I looked to you, remember?

They broke through the door, told me to freeze, as if it was an option.

My blood was already cold. My heart was dead…. As was she.

I looked for you, for twenty years and I never found you.

Trapped in two cells.

One in my heart and the other over my being.

Here I am now, over her.

Her rotten body has fed the creatures around her,

Her bones most likely break upon being touched,

Her skull, still with the hole I made.

Her body… lying still inside the case,

Are you here now?

If not, I’ll be there soon…. Maybe….

But you understand right? I tried right?

Perhaps, now she’ll understand as well.

The roses now lay at the bottom of the stone.

I lay on them and look at the sky,

The very sky whose blue shade you used for the leaves

the roses still mesmerize me,

I find myself under the midst of a scary silence that draws out my emotions and tears

Here, I sit in a fearful quietness, wishing, praying, and hoping it ends quickly.

The gun is cold, the muzzle might smoke,

But I don’t know.

I hope you understand,

I pray that you’re real

There was a distinct smell of engine fluid all around me.

Everyone seemed to ignore the brightness coming through the giant side opening of the ship.

Like heaven’s light,

I followed suit.

Where will it take me?

I stood on the edge of the ship’s side rail.

The smell of the engine fluid was now the smell of the cigarettes that were being burned next to me.

The lungs of the Marine inhaled the poison as the ashes burned and bore irrritation to is throat, aware that his death will come.

From a bullet? Maybe.

Lung cancer? Perhaps.

But death will come, so today he will smoke and watch the sunrise.

The ship’s engines roared as the dawn drew close.

The sun cracked the ocean’s distant line.

The deep orange glow outlined the horizon to an indefinite point not visible to the eye,

but like all beautiful things,

it stretched across the vast ocean into a darkness.

The light from the sun had not yet touched all of it.

I looked, with shivering eyes, carrying pain.

Pain, maybe from my recent heartbreak.

Pain, from wintessing death.

Pain, from solitude.

Pain, from somewhere.

A beautiful melancholic feeling.

I closed my eyes and imprinted the moment in my mind and pictured something beautiful.

At the end of this orange glow I picture a smiling face of a lost soul,

they too seek fulfillment and peace.

She too stood still at the edge of the ocean as the November breeze scorched her face.

Pale-faced blue eyed,

Her name? Maybe Roslyn.

What about Elizabeth?

How about Lesbia?

Can it be Brooklynn?

Perhaps, Linda...

Her sky, maybe filled with gloom?

Her sun.... It too sits on the horizon.

She wonders, when will it be over?

Her pain, maybe from her recent heartbreak.

Pain, from wintessing death.

Pain, from her solitude.

Pain, from somewhere.

Somewhere she doesn’t know.

There’s an emptiness in her that she can’t explain.

She’s overwhelemed by circumstances that only the strong can survive, but she doesn’t know it.

She stands short, with weak knees from holding so much anguish.

Her tears burn as they force themselves out of her eyes.

Her snot trickles in and out of her nose from the cold.

No, from the sadness she’s trying to hide.

Her oceananic eyes draw themselves to the setting sun.

She can’t understand why.

It’s cold,

Her face burns from the icy wind,

The silence around her pulls her feet to the ground.

She’s allowing gravity to keep her there,

Looking at the sun set.

She doesn’t know why.

But I do.

She feels my touch.

She feels my longing for her.

She feels my breath.

My love.

My desires for her to wait for me.

I open my eyes and my sun continues to rise.

Meanwhile, her's sets.

She’s on the other side of the world and doesn’t know that I’m watching her sun set as she’s watching my sun rise.

We will meet one day.

Until then,

Know that I will love you.

#poetry #love #military #melancholy #depression #joy

May I use your name?

Its pitch and sound is soothing and full of, what perhaps some will say, beauty.

She won’t hate me, but instead see me for me,

Then again, she can’t see.

The green on this leaf is strikingly loud, Did you pick this color?

May I trace its edges and caress them with my fingers?

They stand out so green.

A combination of blue and yellow, but from where?

Did you mix the bright light with the shade of the sky?

I’m sure she’ll like them and love them as much as I do.

One time I asked you to help me, remember?

She screamed and was crying,

The loud howls brought me out of oblivion,

They pierced my brain and angered my soul,

They awoke the darkness in my brain and unlocked a closed locker where I hid my secrets.

The keys were her screams,

her thrashing of my being,

May I call it depression? Maybe simple sadness.

I didn’t know what to do, so I called you.

I’m sure you knew. They tell me you knew.

You didn’t make a difference,

but she eventually did stop crying.

The silence was louder than my thoughts as I looked at her rest.

Her pale face and blue eyes reflected the very light I assumed you used to create the green.

I can see her.

She’s still screaming, but silently.

She sits still while her blood trickles out her brain,

And her mouth says nothing.

I’m sure they’re looking for me, but you knew the truth.

I was scared.

When my finger pulled back the tears on my face bounced off from my shaking of fear.

What have I done?

Perhaps, I thought, they’d understand my anxiety.

I’m sure you did.

The tears landed on the ground that seemed to have been sand whilst the powder at the end of the muzzle smoked.

The time slowed and the clock ticked

1…… My tears and her blood levitated as if gravity didn’t exist.

2…… They hit the ground and splashed ever so softly. She looked at me.

3…... I called you….

Three seconds…

She looked back at me.

That pale face with blue eyes drew a line to mine.

Still, the tears rolled to the ground,

They avalanched off my bony cheeks.

They connected with the piney wood on the ground that was sand to me.

Sand that I once sprayed red with the blood of my enemies.

It stained my memories with the hideous sight of children crying,

Of my gloves soaked,

Dripping red that once belonged to a daughter.

Clenching her hand to mine, her eyes gazed at me,

Displaying clear terror and confusion.

They too were blue, but her skin, my, her skin was dark.

Scorched by the sun perhaps.

My hand caressed her soft cotton-like cheeks as her mother howled in anxiety above me.

My overseers scolded me, for the round wasn’t for her, but for the guy next to her.

My uniform didn’t make the difference I had hoped,

In fact, it made no difference.

I called then too, you remember?

She didn’t know why it struck her chest, she never knew why,

Did you forgive me then? I hope you did…

4…… Now, I held her again

This time, her face pale and her skin as white as the clouds in the sky,

My lover,

She looked like the girl who had a mother.

I close my eyes and desire the same as both of them,

Death.

The blood under my skin ran through my veins,

cold like never before, as if I had been injected with ice.

The sirens sounded nearby, and I looked to you, remember?

They broke through the door, told me to freeze, as if it was an option.

My blood was already cold. My heart was dead…. As was she.

I looked for you, for twenty years and I never found you.

Trapped in two cells.

One in my heart and the other over my being.

Here I am now, over her.

Her rotten body has fed the creatures around her,

Her bones most likely break upon being touched,

Her skull, still with the hole I made.

Her body… lying still inside the case,

Are you here now?

If not, I’ll be there soon…. Maybe….

But you understand right? I tried right?

Perhaps, now she’ll understand as well.

The roses now lay at the bottom of the stone.

I lay on them and look at the sky,

The very sky whose blue shade you used for the leaves

the roses still mesmerize me,

I find myself under the midst of a scary silence that draws out my emotions and tears

Here, I sit in a fearful quietness, wishing, praying, and hoping it ends quickly.

The gun is cold, the muzzle might smoke,

But I don’t know.

I hope you understand,

I pray that you’re real

I looked up as the rain above me fell like small stones.

Each one hit my face gently, rolling down both cheeks as I let my sadness flow

There was no shame behind my tears for the water washed them away, helping me hide the emptiness I bore.

"Men shouldn't cry," I've been told, therefore I hide under heaven's tears.

No one can see and no one will know.

Only God will know.

Only God will know the agony behind my burning heart, that only the rain can cool,

Only God will know the reasons why I hate the way that I hate,

Only God knows why I let my self suffer in this pouring rain.