Trinity (55)

Pearl puts her head back on my shoulder, so I put my head on hers, and for a moment it feels like we’re the only people in the world.

I had surprised myself, telling Pearl everything. Not the actual telling her part, that I’d wanted to do, but what I’d said. In the midst of being worried about the talent assembly, I hadn’t had spare time to really think. But it slowly, slowly came into focus, even though I think a part of me had known a long time ago that I’m asexual.

It was Maggie, really, that made it so obvious. The way she was draped over Charles Lee at Abbey’s house, the way she talks about him, hungers after him.

It hadn’t shocked me to hear Amber describe these feelings; she’s blunt and unafraid of sex and her own sexuality. But Maggie… Maggie is generally rule-following, not to mention pretty heavily involved in church services and ideals. She has the ten commandments tacked up on the inside of her locker.

So it was easy, for a long time, to not see any differences between me and everyone else. When they’re all pretending not to have these feelings.

Now at least things make sense. I’m not like Maggie, I’m not like Amber, and I’m not even like Pearl. I’m like… me.

“Thank you,” I say suddenly, realizing that I’ve been sitting silently thinking for a long time.

Pearl shifts a little. “What? I was asleep.” I shrug the shoulder she’s leaning on, jostling her, and she raises her head and smiles. “Kidding. And, you’re welcome, but I’m not sure what you’re thanking me for.”

I stretch my arms above my head, like I’m the one waking up from a nap. “Well, for listening. And being understanding, I guess.”

Pearl gives me a wry smile and hops off the bench, then offers me her hand grandly. “Well, of course I’m understanding. We wouldn’t be best friends if you were straight.”

I take her hand, and she pulls me to my feet. As she does, I ask, “What’s that supposed to mean?” I’m a bit alarmed to be called ‘not straight’, but she’s not wrong, is she?

She grins and, our hands still connected, spins me once. A bubble of laughter escapes me. “I’m joking,” she concedes. “Of course we’d be friends. We’d be friends if you were a hippopotamus.”

“A hippo?!” I laugh, dizzy even though it was only one spin around. “And would we be friends if my name was Chet?”

“Oh god no,” Pearl exclaims, dropping my hand and pretending to look disgusted. “That’s the one exception.”

Laughing, I bump into her on purpose as I head towards the school doors. “I thought so. Hey, it’s got to be intermission by now, right?”

“I’m hoping it’s over, to be honest,” she replies, following behind me.

. . .

In the end, we did miss the intermission. But Henry and Jackson had handled all the baked-goods selling without any problems, as promised.

We also managed to miss the entire talent assembly. Not from being outside, but because once we came in, we sat in the hallway with Henry and Jackson and goofed around until it was over. We even got up and hid in an empty classroom when we heard Mr. Dennis coming down the hall. I’d nearly had a heart attack, I think--hiding from a teacher seems like a crime--but it amused Pearl to no end.

And, as it turns out, my mother was the most upset out of all of my family members that I ditched my reading at the assembly. I’m not even sure if my dad noticed that I wasn’t around the rest of the time, but he was pretty unbothered that I decided not to go up on stage.

“It’s a talent show, not her graduation ceremony,” Dad had told my mom.

Mom had folded her arms and sighed. “You would’ve been amazing, sweetie. You have to believe in yourself.”

I had only nodded, because it would’ve been fine, sure. But me not doing it had nothing to do with not believing in myself.

Still, she took this as an opportunity to sign me up for an after-school public speaking class, which, to say the least, is horrendous.

And to top it off, there was Rory’s opinion on the matter. Which, unsurprisingly, was along the lines of “School functions are overrated anyway; she did the right thing.”

What I hadn’t expected, though, is what he said to me later that same Monday as we were loading the car to family-road-trip him back to his apartment. “Looked like you were having quite the time with Pearl, huh?”

Mom and Dad weren’t around, and I had made a face somewhere between shocked and offended. “What?”

He had shrugged one shoulder and taken a box of cigarettes out of his pocket. Rattling them, he said, “Smoke break.”

He had stepped outside while we were in the courtyard. For a cigarette. And I have no idea whether he heard anything we said.

So I had that to mull over the entire car ride.

But, things aren’t all bad.

Pearl joined the free writing club, and there’s a competition team (who knew writers had competitions?) that meets on Saturdays. So, Pearl joined that too. Now she doesn’t have to go to YRJ. Well, as much, anyway. Her parents sometimes make her go to the Sunday session, but not every week.

Which also means that we can hang out on the weekends sometimes--Saturday nights and the Sundays she has free. If it’s a Sunday we meet Henry at Waffle Mixers, since we all like it and Jackson is always there. It only took a few visits before Mai memorized my order, just like everyone else’s. Though every once in a while I try to switch it up.

And on Saturdays, under the guise of doing homework, Pearl comes over to my house, and I force her to listen to my music and watch me dance around my room as I sing along. Occasionally we do actually do homework, but most of the time we end up curled up and watching a movie together.

My mom’s always happy to have Pearl around, since it proves to her that I have friends, I guess.

Speaking of friends, I still sit with Abbey and Erica and Mary Kate and everyone at lunch, though there has been some drama there. Firstly, Mary Kate found out that Maggie is dating Charles Lee, which has caused some permanent damage to their friendship. In fact, Maggie sits with him at a different lunch table some days, and acts like the rest of us don’t exist.

It might also have something to do with our fight. Now, I’m not one to pick fights, obviously, but she’d been talking nonstop about Henry and Jackson. After all the old rumors about Henry being gay, a lot of people assumed, well, the truth, after they saw the two of them running the bake sale together.

It was extra juicy gossip (according to Maggie, anyway) that Henry was with the “hot boy that Pearl somehow lured to the Spring Fling."

So, rumors ran rampant, and now everyone knows that they’re a couple, which Henry is actually taking really well. I think having his parents and Jackson’s adopted family all be supportive definitely helps.

Even so, it got to the point where I had to say something to Maggie about it, because she wouldn’t stop gossiping about it, even when there was nothing to gossip about. Despite her knowing everything about everyone, she’d somehow failed to piece together that those people are my friends.

She didn’t talk to me for three days. Maggie Kate had assured me that this was normal.

So this is all the new normal.

Katherine went back to forgetting I exist, which is mostly a relief. She also broke up with Andrew, and even though it’s none of my business and I don’t really care, I do think that was the right decision. As difficult as Katherine can be, she certainly doesn’t deserve to be treated like he treated her. (He’s dating her friend Flora now, which no one is surprised about.)

And there’s Kelly, who I’m in a hesitant friendship with. We still study together on Thursdays, but only about once a month. We still don’t speak to each other in school, but over time I’ve come to realize that that’s just how he is. And that’s ok.

I wish we could be closer friends; I’d like to invite him to Waffle Mixers or maybe even have him come and watch a movie with Pearl and I. Maybe. But every time I think about it I realize that it would seem ‘romantic’ or like I would be asking him on a date. And I’ve come to realize that I really don’t want that, but it would be ridiculous to say ‘Hey can we hang out but not in a date way, you don’t like me do you?’

So that’s tiring, but so far it’s been fine. When my mom’s not asking about him, that is.

Lastly, there’s Amber. I haven’t talked to her or even texted her since that day at YRJ, though every once in a while I take out my phone and consider it. I’d kind of like to thank her for introducing me to the ideas and vocabulary that I'd previously lacked, but that seems like a weird text to send, so I never do it.

Pearl sees her, very occasionally. They rarely talk to each other, but it sounds like they’re friendly with they do. Still, whenever Pearl is forced to go to YRJ she usually comes back with a story about someone causing a disruption during a prayer service or something. It’s always Amber.

And that’s just about everyone, and everything. It’s funny to think how much I’ve changed this year, or maybe how much I’ve stayed the same and how much my outlook has changed. I don’t have everything figured out, that’s for sure. But I’m getting there, and I have Pearl (and others, but mostly Pearl) to help me when I get frustrated or stuck. And I do, often.

Still, I wouldn’t have this year any other way.

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(first part: https://theprose.com/post/432343/trinity)

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(previous part: https://theprose.com/post/466969/trinity-54)

(next part: https://theprose.com/post/467637/epilogue)