The Useless Knight and the Shrewd Barmaid

    Sir Gavin the Knight wandered into the bar after a tough day of avoiding any and all work that he was supposed to be doing. This was actually very simple to achieve, as King Albert of Green Meadows was too busy trying to control his rowdy sons to actually bother with checking on his knights. The Head Knight, Sir Broderick, was often busy drinking all the alcohol he could find, so this meant that Sir Gavin could basically do anything he wanted. 

   Sir Gavin wanted nothing more than to eat a gigantic supper and maybe win a drinking contest with one of the other knights. As he entered the dingy bar, he noticed that many people were shouting merrily to each other about their day. He strolled to the counter to sit down and order his meal. A young man brought him his roasted pheasant with boiled potatoes, which were absolutely delicious. Then, a beautiful barmaid brought him his drink. This barmaid was actually very pretty, with long auburn hair and a kind smile. Even her dirty dress could not detract from this. Sir Gavin was immediately interested in her. 

     "Good evening, my lady. I am Sir Gavin of the Knights of King Albert of Green Meadows. It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance," Sir Gavin said, suavely (he thought) introducing himself.

     "Oh, hello. I'm Helen. Are you really a knight? We don't get many of those types here," demurred the barmaid called Helen. 

     "Certainly, I am a knight, my lady. And the best knight in Green Meadows! Why, everyone knows it! I've subdued many treacherous enemies and protected Green Meadows my whole life."

     "Well, if you're such a skilled knight, you must surely have some stories to tell. I've got time, I'd love to hear them!"

     "Of course, my lady!"

     Sir Gavin knew that he was well and truly screwed unless he could come up with something quickly. It was widely known that Sir Gavin was one of the laziest knights around, and the most dangerous thing he had ever dealt with was a stray cat. (Hey, it had claws! Very scary!). Unfortunately, Sir Gavin was also very dim, so there was not much to be said about his story-telling abilities. However, he really wanted to impress Helen the Barmaid, so he decided to spin an elaborate tale. 

   "Aah, it was just a fortnight ago. I, along with a small company of fellow knights, was patrolling the Green Meadows  border to protect it from any enemies. We had heard a rumor that the people of Red Plains were planning an attack, so it was important to stay vigilant. Everything was dark and quiet, when suddenly I heard a sound."

   "What was it?" Helen interrupted, sounding intrigued.

   "Well, my lady, it was just as I had feared. A group of Red Plains Knights were hoping to sneak up on us. My fellow Knights were petrified, so they couldn't react. But do not fear, for I pulled out my trusty sword and killed all of them at once with a swift strike to the heart!"

    "Oh how brave!"

    "Yes my lady, I am so courageous! But that wasn't even the worst. For the Red Plains King had apparently sent his whole army to bring down Green Meadows with a secret strike. I do not know the exact number, but there were over a hundred thousand men to fight, and Green Meadows only had ten knights, all of whom were terrible, except for me! And the worst was that Red Plains had a dragon, a terrible menace!"

     "A dragon?"

     "Yes, because dragons are real! Anyway, I was ready to die to save my homeland! So I gripped my trusty sword once more and prepared to fight the enemy until my last breath! But my skill was too much for the Red Plains Knights! I cut through thousands of them, parrying left, right and center, chopping off their heads and stabbing them through the heart, decimating their ranks, until there were none left!"

    "Really?"

    "'Tis true! 'Tis true! But the dragon was still there, blowing fire all around the land! My fellow Green Meadows Knights were too terrified to react. So I only had one choice. I pointed my sword in front of me and took a flying leap into the dragon's mouth, where I sliced it to death from the inside! Then, the Red Plains army was no more, defeated by me, Sir Gavin of Green Meadows!"

    "Well, this is a most unbelievable tale! Sir Gavin, you are a truly magnificent man!"

    Sir Gavin smiled and accepted the praise, feeling very proud of himself. However, Helen the Barmaid sensed that something was off. Even though she was only an uneducated barmaid, she knew that Sir Gavin's feat was simply impossible. Besides, she also doubted very much that dragons were real. Yet Helen nodded, praised Sir Gavin, and acted very impressed as she served him more and more drinks until he had no more money to pay for them, before kicking him out unceremoniously from the bar.