"I've been in some tight corners a few times now, but one time five years ago now takes the cake. I had been hired to help guard a cargo ship headed for the Island of Pardina. It was actually a really smooth trip until we reached port. Turns out the cargo included a bunch of black market spell components the crew was trying to smuggle in with the spices. I ended up in a dungeon cell, but you will not believe who my roommate was.

She was this gangly little human girl, must have been about 12 years old. She had long, matted up curly hair, so I knew she'd been there a while. She had a bunch of tattoos; I counted at least fifteen just on her left arm. I figured she must be some kind of magician because they had her in power limiting ropes; you can always tell because they glow a bit. 

The first thing I did was ask what she was in for. She looked at me for a second, then stared at the floor again. So when I got the chance I asked the guard. He just snorted and ignored me.

'She's a sparkcaster you idiot!' rang out a voice from the cell across the hall. It took me a second, but I realized it was one of the sailors (Veana) who had gotten me into this mess. She always had a mouth on her, but she was the type who didn't like people talking back if you know what I mean.

'What's a sparkcaster?' I asked.

Veana snorted. 'Don't even know that? Most people need spells or a wand or something to use magic. Sparkcasters don't. She's probably in here because she got mad and set someone on fire. All the better I say, magicians are weird enough anyway, but sparkcasters give me the creeps. Better off locked up, and if it were up to me I would --'

I stopped listening. If it were up to Veana anyone she didn't like would be locked up or worse.

Anyway, I was still there a week later because my trial kept getting pushed back. Can't quite remember whether it was because they were investigating a corrupt judge or because a merfolk tribe was getting antsy. But that morning, my cellmate finally said something.

'They'll kill you unless you let me out.'

I stared at her for a second.

'Didn't you hear me? You'll need to let me out, or they're gonna kill you.'

'Who exactly will kill me?'

She was staring at the ground again. Before I could ask what she meant, I heard someone running down the hall, then clanging noises, then screams. Soon enough, a rather mangy group showed up in front of my cell. A couple had swords, on was carrying a club. One guy looked like he was in charge; he was missing a couple teeth and had a spiked chain. He stopped in front of my cell.

'Well, well, who do we have here? Is that a warrior who sent me to this dump in the first place?'

That's about when I realized I knew exactly who these guys were. They were a group of pirates who had attacked a passenger ship I was guarding. It was a month before; I had forgotten they got sent to Pardina. I hoped he didn't quite remember the part where I beat him by wrapping him in his own chains. What did he call himself? Erik the Destroyer?

'Guess you're not as high and mighty as you let on if you're here. What was that you told me? "Evil always gets tangled up in itself?"'

Crap. He remembered all right.

'Fellows, why don't you open the door for this lady? I'd love to chat with her more.'

I did some mental math. Five of them, one of me, and they had weapons. This might not end well. Unless... 

They unlocked the door, and one of the guys with swords rushed me. I dodged, grabbed his sword, and kicked him into Erik. Before they could do anything else, I cut through the ropes binding my cellmate. Then, of course, she just stood there.

On the plus side, I at least had the sword. The guy with the club swung at me, but I jabbed him in the leg. Unfortunately Erik managed to get in a hit with his chain. That let one of his goons get behind me, but I ducked and he hit the guy with the club. That made him mad, and he managed to knock me over. I thought I was done for but then:

'Hey, I feel better now.'

My cellmate unleashed a blast of energy. Everyone not on the floor got knocked down, and most of the ceiling in the cell caved in, as well as some in the hall. I got pinned by debris; luckily the pirates were in no condition to come after me. I must have hit my head because everything got fuzzy, but I do remember on thing before waking up.

'I was in here because I accidentally did that to an empty house. Sorry I can't stick around, they'd get mad at me again...'

Luckily the guards dug me out before long. They let me go after that, something about helping to foil an escape attempt. Veana managed to talk her way out to; she convinced the court she had no idea the crew was smuggling stuff in. Never mind the cache that was found in her bunk. Anyway, she took a chance to gloat before I headed back to the mainland.

'What'd I say about sparkcasters? I can't believe you'd let that loony out, but how did she thank you? She dropped the prison on your head! If it were up to me--'

'Veana?'

'What?'

'Shut up.'"

    Sir Gavin the Knight wandered into the bar after a tough day of avoiding any and all work that he was supposed to be doing. This was actually very simple to achieve, as King Albert of Green Meadows was too busy trying to control his rowdy sons to actually bother with checking on his knights. The Head Knight, Sir Broderick, was often busy drinking all the alcohol he could find, so this meant that Sir Gavin could basically do anything he wanted. 

   Sir Gavin wanted nothing more than to eat a gigantic supper and maybe win a drinking contest with one of the other knights. As he entered the dingy bar, he noticed that many people were shouting merrily to each other about their day. He strolled to the counter to sit down and order his meal. A young man brought him his roasted pheasant with boiled potatoes, which were absolutely delicious. Then, a beautiful barmaid brought him his drink. This barmaid was actually very pretty, with long auburn hair and a kind smile. Even her dirty dress could not detract from this. Sir Gavin was immediately interested in her. 

     "Good evening, my lady. I am Sir Gavin of the Knights of King Albert of Green Meadows. It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance," Sir Gavin said, suavely (he thought) introducing himself.

     "Oh, hello. I'm Helen. Are you really a knight? We don't get many of those types here," demurred the barmaid called Helen. 

     "Certainly, I am a knight, my lady. And the best knight in Green Meadows! Why, everyone knows it! I've subdued many treacherous enemies and protected Green Meadows my whole life."

     "Well, if you're such a skilled knight, you must surely have some stories to tell. I've got time, I'd love to hear them!"

     "Of course, my lady!"

     Sir Gavin knew that he was well and truly screwed unless he could come up with something quickly. It was widely known that Sir Gavin was one of the laziest knights around, and the most dangerous thing he had ever dealt with was a stray cat. (Hey, it had claws! Very scary!). Unfortunately, Sir Gavin was also very dim, so there was not much to be said about his story-telling abilities. However, he really wanted to impress Helen the Barmaid, so he decided to spin an elaborate tale. 

   "Aah, it was just a fortnight ago. I, along with a small company of fellow knights, was patrolling the Green Meadows  border to protect it from any enemies. We had heard a rumor that the people of Red Plains were planning an attack, so it was important to stay vigilant. Everything was dark and quiet, when suddenly I heard a sound."

   "What was it?" Helen interrupted, sounding intrigued.

   "Well, my lady, it was just as I had feared. A group of Red Plains Knights were hoping to sneak up on us. My fellow Knights were petrified, so they couldn't react. But do not fear, for I pulled out my trusty sword and killed all of them at once with a swift strike to the heart!"

    "Oh how brave!"

    "Yes my lady, I am so courageous! But that wasn't even the worst. For the Red Plains King had apparently sent his whole army to bring down Green Meadows with a secret strike. I do not know the exact number, but there were over a hundred thousand men to fight, and Green Meadows only had ten knights, all of whom were terrible, except for me! And the worst was that Red Plains had a dragon, a terrible menace!"

     "A dragon?"

     "Yes, because dragons are real! Anyway, I was ready to die to save my homeland! So I gripped my trusty sword once more and prepared to fight the enemy until my last breath! But my skill was too much for the Red Plains Knights! I cut through thousands of them, parrying left, right and center, chopping off their heads and stabbing them through the heart, decimating their ranks, until there were none left!"

    "Really?"

    "'Tis true! 'Tis true! But the dragon was still there, blowing fire all around the land! My fellow Green Meadows Knights were too terrified to react. So I only had one choice. I pointed my sword in front of me and took a flying leap into the dragon's mouth, where I sliced it to death from the inside! Then, the Red Plains army was no more, defeated by me, Sir Gavin of Green Meadows!"

    "Well, this is a most unbelievable tale! Sir Gavin, you are a truly magnificent man!"

    Sir Gavin smiled and accepted the praise, feeling very proud of himself. However, Helen the Barmaid sensed that something was off. Even though she was only an uneducated barmaid, she knew that Sir Gavin's feat was simply impossible. Besides, she also doubted very much that dragons were real. Yet Helen nodded, praised Sir Gavin, and acted very impressed as she served him more and more drinks until he had no more money to pay for them, before kicking him out unceremoniously from the bar.