He sits there in a somber silence I love watching him like this in thought he seems so at peace he's just writing and taking all the feeling from his day and putting on to paper without care he is himself in this moment and I want to see him like this always. “Dear” I say “This is you right now you should be like this all the time I feel like I'm holding you back” “beautiful” he explains “I'm completely myself when I'm with you that's why I write all the time if I wasn't writing you would have something to worry about see the love we have makes me write more” I left and I never turned back I told him I needed to find out who I was because I didn't have that feeling of openness

She was perfect and now everything reminds me of her I hope she doesn't move on there a spark of hope still in me that's telling me to wait I remember hiding under your bed while the pancakes were still cooking or laying out under the stars in your backyard and accidentally falling asleep with you or just walking on the beach getting milkshakes and ice cream and stuff to make smores or how we would dream about living together with kneesocks the Shiba Inu or how we could talk for hours about nothings at all and how nervous I was when I first ate dinner with your family that I just said a whole bunch of facts. It helps to write them away you still have the quotes of all the stuff we did in your journal I'm trying to move on so that when I see you next you'll be a friend and we will be like how we started out as strangers 

Thank you a phrase that didn't leave my mouth as much as it should have but everything looks good in hindsight

You made me a better person

I really never thanked you for that because I didn't realize that I was no good for you

Looking back I felt immeasurably guilty I just wish that I saw it sooner

I hope your happy

I hope that you do better than the person that I was

I know you will because you were always better than me

So just have a great life

Thank you I feel I have finally have gotten over you

Thanks to writing and many other outlets

I have become a better person

Not as good as you but just a better person

Thank you so much i'm sorry for hurting such a great person

I stop at the same stop sign every night

I wait there way to long

Staring at the lights that beam from your house

The lights feel as if they come from an interrogation scene

I wonder if you ever look out the window from that kitchen that I remember so well and think is he there

And I wonder if I will stop taking the way home that passes your house

I wonder if I can forget these memories

I wonder if I can write a happy poem for once 

She walked like a spring breeze

With a voice like a summer day

She left me change like a fall leaf

Now I'm alone like a winter night

Stop the thoughts of you

I'm egotistical

I complain to much

I'm condescending

I wish I could live happily alone

I want someone

But I don't want anyone

I'm super blatant with these

I can't fathom the thought of you

I want you to be here

I want to be over this

I feel like sending you all of these putting them in those shitty letters like you gave me

I have had a great date idea in my head for while now

I'm never going to use it

I'm never going to be happy

Wow I do complain a lot

I miss that I had somebody to talk to

I want to look back and think that wow I was such a little bitch

Why can't I do that now

Bundling up happy thoughts to burn them into the bottom of pots

I will not become the butt of jokes

I will not live on in only notes

I want to live on in your happy moments

Two sides of the same coin

Vastly different worlds yet I like them both

I fill the niche like a liquid

Moving in and out of friend groups

And clicks

I feel like it's so crazy it's bad

My mind moves in crazy ways

Pushing life into a distant gaze

Like a haze of unimportant events

I feel like I can't live like myself I feel out of place in most places

So I guess it's perfect

Perfectly different

Perfectly alone

I guess I'm just a person who can fit in everywhere and nowhere all at once

I feel it coming but I know that I'm lit I'm not typing correctly help meet I'm having a out of body experience everything is moving in slow motion but worse it's like my eyes are running slow like they are frames behind I experiencing hyper focus and nausea when try to look at a phone instead of hyper focused at my inside thoughts I have looked outside of myself and focused on all other conversations I think I do this to obtain notes and details this is moving I'm all in my head and I can't muster up to speak it's a lot of headache.

I never thought I would be the person today

I expected better

I made mistakes

I had wrong decisions and regrets

That writing above is my drunken and high ramble

My mind was trying to scientifically explain what I was feeling

I feel like I have failed

I did this to experience the feeling

In this quest of self exploration I lost why I wanted to be smart in the first place

I want to grow as a person

I want be better than those that raised me

I want to prove I won't slip into a life of drugs and self hatred

As I'm writing this I feel like crying

I know I can change this

I just don't want to lose myself again

I need to be a better man

The days start coming and they don't stop coming

Until one day they leave you buried deep in the ground

But days still happen

Time still moves

People move on

Life forgets

Unless you do something so big that you get the world talking

Then you can metaphorically skip death

Sure all thought from your mind will be gone and you'll never remember anything or have thought ever again

But people that do will talk and thoughts of you exist

Isn't that enough

I'm happy?

But I never stop to think why

Why am I happy

I think it's because I haven't thought about you

But I have I have seen you but I can't speak

I'm not myself around you any more

I wish I could be

Its days like these where I feel content

Where the space in between the words leave my mind open for thought

I miss the fact that I could say anything around you

I miss that I could talk to you at any time I wanted

But if people ask I say I'm over you

It's true.

It's nights like these when I can relax

Relax

I never thought I would say that

It scares me to relax

It scares me to settle

I want to find the time for happiness and joy

But it never comes it makes story's in my mind

It vexes me to come and enjoy it

I never thought I would be afraid to be happy

But I feel if I'm happy I'm doing something wrong

I feel wrong

I feel like sadness and stress is the right feeling to have

I guess I'm different

But in the same sense I'm so similar to every I have ever met