Downward spiral

My parents are gone. My mom ten years ago and my father 5 years now. Still feels like yesterday. But just two years ago the state shutdown. So many questions, so many unanswered or unanswerable questions daily. We shutdown our home too. Don’t suppose that seems so different to what most people did except at our house we have two children with disabilities. So we had nursing coming to help care for our son. But with the world shutting down…we made the choice to put nursing on hold. Which means total care for two dependent children with disabilities landed on me. My husband work through the isolation period. He works for a large department store and his job was determined to be necessary. So every morning I got up and went through the motions. Most days I didn’t get dressed. Most days I didn’t run a brush through my hair. Most mornings I had to fight myself to get up in the morning & get out of bed. For 6 months I was exhausted. I asked my mother in law why she didn’t visit because her son worked at the department store. Mind you he works in the backroom and is not around people but ok?!? How do you not take offense? I had to hang up. I was falling deeper in a state of survival and I wasn’t so sure I wanted to survive…two years later I still have not seen my mother in law. I talk to her rarely. I miss my mom so much. But same thing daily and try to carry on in this hole.