The art of existing
No one cares what I’m doing with my life. They say, the dead are so easily forgotten. Do what you love, while you can. But no one will ever understand. The thoughts that come like tsunamis, ready to be my next worst metaphor. The bad poetry. Sucking down cold coffee, the rude people who I thank sarcastically when they don’t hold the door open for me. I’m a pigeon, the rats of the city. I suck good resources from the earth. Why am I here? I close a door and none of the windows open. I’m left inside, suffocating, when really you’ve already stopped reading.
The air in my lungs was never more refreshing, the sun never warmer than in this moment. The sky is the bluest I've ever seen and the grass beneath my legs, the ever dancing, sharp, and soft grass I comb my fingers through has never been so lusciously and vibrantly green. I relax completely and lay my head back, the smell of wet earth becomes dominant. I close my eyes and
Shirt, pants, shoes. why
Car. I don't want to do this anymore.
Lunch. tick is
Shoes, pants, shirt. I'm so tired.
Teeth. so tick
this time with feeling
She's been watching me for a long time now. I could hear her breathing but I ignored it. These hallucinations were getting worse. My friends told me they aren't hallucinations, 'hallucinations cant hurt you.' they said. Apparently, they were wrong. I've been sitting here at this desk for what feels like ages. Why did they have to open that box? Why does she hate us? Why am I the last to survive her wrath? Why won't she kill me? I tried to move at first, tried to escape. but she just brought me back. Every time she brought me back to hearing my best friend's spine snapping, seeing my brother's innards spilling on the ornate rug. watching the life drain slowly from my mother's eyes. I shuddered at the memory, causing her to move closer. I couldn't escape her, I couldn't escape this hell. She was always there watching me, listening, moving closer every time I dared to shift. Ready to take me back to that gory sight. I want to leave, she won't let me go, She won't set me free, help me! please...
Falling on and on
Right upon the left edge
Inside the fluffy cocoon of safety
Endless falling, on and on.
Men with knives, watching and waiting
Creeping but still, alive but dead
shadows and walls, shapes
darkness, watching and waiting.
People staring, all around
Eyes white and red
low on the floor
Static, Lightning, Wind
A little green dot, glowing and bright.
Just enough to drown
everything else out.
Flashlights pointing every which way.
Glowing shapes on the sealing.
In the dark
ready to sleep
What caused this little haunting?
I suppose I'll never really know.
An Empty Nightmare
What is this place?
An endless fog that reaches to the horizon.
This can't be right.
There has to be something more.
I reach out into the abyss, but I feel nothing.
I take a step.
I take another step.
I start running, yet it's all still empty.
I try to scream, but I can't make a sound.
I try to grip my throat, but it's as if nothing is there.
I feel for my face, but somehow I can't find it.
I look down for my hands, but I have none.
I have no torso,
no legs, no feet.
I drop to the ground in desolation.
I am nothing!
Nothing is different. Nothing is changing.
Everything is empty..
My parents are gone. My mom ten years ago and my father 5 years now. Still feels like yesterday. But just two years ago the state shutdown. So many questions, so many unanswered or unanswerable questions daily. We shutdown our home too. Don’t suppose that seems so different to what most people did except at our house we have two children with disabilities. So we had nursing coming to help care for our son. But with the world shutting down…we made the choice to put nursing on hold. Which means total care for two dependent children with disabilities landed on me. My husband work through the isolation period. He works for a large department store and his job was determined to be necessary. So every morning I got up and went through the motions. Most days I didn’t get dressed. Most days I didn’t run a brush through my hair. Most mornings I had to fight myself to get up in the morning & get out of bed. For 6 months I was exhausted. I asked my mother in law why she didn’t visit because her son worked at the department store. Mind you he works in the backroom and is not around people but ok?!? How do you not take offense? I had to hang up. I was falling deeper in a state of survival and I wasn’t so sure I wanted to survive…two years later I still have not seen my mother in law. I talk to her rarely. I miss my mom so much. But same thing daily and try to carry on in this hole.
Alone and Empty
Darkness is the only color shown through the enclosed space. The sound of nothing, but water dripping from the corner of the room starts echoing louder and louder. A small chunk of concrete starts to crumble and crack, yet nothing revealing of light has bleed out of the walls. You walk around the area and the cold breathing and the footsteps from your bare feet only echo louder. It gets into your head on why you are stuck there in the first place. There are no doors, windows, or any indication of a way to escape. The room is a huge void of darkness. Nothing is visible at all. You lay your back against one of the walls, and surprisingly the wall breaks open. Light starts to explode and everything seen is bright white. Yet the difference in the surrounding atmosphere is the lack of water dripping, small concrete still crumbling, the echoes of your footsteps get louder as you continue walking. Disappointed, you sit down and bury your head into your knees, realizing there’s no escape in this indefinite room you're in.
What happened? Where am I.
I know I went to a dream and woke up in a hospital. There was no hospitality, just screaming lunatics' in pain that I can't imagine. Eye's tired and red with veins, Blurry but I thank their torment to awaken my brain.
Why, the screaming, why the sheet, what am I doing in this little convertible table with wheels where the coffin and I might meet?
The screams seem intolerable, almost bring out the laughter, are they sympathy pains or is pain so much it's hard to fathom. How many people here could possibly be in painful enough to make a warzone in the mind set of WTF?
Before I could ask, not a moment passed, a laughter about to burst to bring silence to the screams with a mocking laugh and purely lost soul awakened from a flash.
"Do you remember what happened?" as a few took control of my craft. I was wheeled around and said, "I remember being inside of a dome and watching a sport I didn't know and was hit in the head and people gathered around and an Angel arrived and now I'm here."
Dr. Smiled and brought me to a room with out the violent screams of certain doom as if they themselves went to the same place but their version was like Hell and Fury and Death in their path.
Nurse said, Take this drink. In my mind she was cute and almost another angelic blessing. I gladly took it and it tasted so good, I asked for another and she said with a laugh, "most people don't like the taste, what about it do you like."
I replied with as mile and very serious in fact, "It kind of tastes like hydrogen peroxide mixed with sparkling mineral water with a metallic blast."
Of course she laughed. You can only have one because this drink will allow us to see how the blood flow within you, well, we can track it's path."
Wheeled around like a clown with a mask, I felt like I was tripping on LSD and thank God, within a system like this, if sober I wouldn't last. They introduced me to another Doctor with a different drug to see how long I would last and brought me to a big with a big room and a circular UFO looking Portal that needed to scan every aspect.
Maybe an entrance through a portal of some kind of UFO looking space ship. What else made me so special to be brought to this machine? Made me wonder and laugh as I felt woozy from the concoctions they made me take.
After the alien abduction, I woke up in a room with a few tubes and all alone. This time I was sober and thinking of life, like why did I wake up here and what can I do? I hit the button, the first I could see.
A team of beastly people came and surrounded me. Alarming as it seemed, this was not a dream, "Why Am I HERE and WHAT does this MEAN?!"
You were at a game and fell down and was saved lucky enough because of COVID-19, You are lucky because nobody was in the audience and somehow you were seen.."
My mind wandered back and I began to remember the details as if it happened in another place far away in a different dimension.
That's when I met the Guardian Angle that was protecting me. I saw her spirit and love that is more than anyone, even a mother could give to me. Those around where real surrounding me they prayed and those Angels were the people who saw me.
The game I remembered was a different realm as I was actually working Soccer as a camera man and it wasn't inside but I was inside of me. The game in the spiritual sense made no sense for me. I saw the nature of the soul in and all around, as the show must go on, I saw the spirit world and there was no Devil around me.
I gasped for air, they said please relax. I said I would be more comfortable if alone and if I knew where my stuff was at. If my wife knew where I was or if my vehicle was towed and they pointed at my things and I felt a little calm and a little strength.
They said, the car was there, where it was parked, they gave us the number and your buddies got a hold of your wife and all is in tact. I had a huge bit of relief but not enough, I wanted to be home.
They left me alone, I made my move, put on my clothes and ripped out the tubes, blood as you imagine, ran out as the attached needles and tape where the first thing I could reach to detach.
The machines started quacking and the same crew came running and I barricaded the doors like it was war and the enemy started cracking. I sweat so hard, to hold the door down, Yelled at them all to leave me alone. Took a few minutes and I was far reached, dry mouthed and out of breath. Sickened and imprisoned from some of my saviors of death.
As the guy kept talking I said leave me alone, I'm going back to bed, I'm a little bit scared and honestly think I might be dead. He said, hit the button again and the alarm went off, He said walking away, "damn, that boy's as strong a moose!"
I gave it two minutes peaked outside, saw the routine and then I ran fast and the whole floor chased me like they were ready to subdue and strangle me. Pure panic, I ran as fast as possible, down the hallway and into the stairwell. Jumping down 4 steps at a time using the rails to keep momentum as the sounds of heavy foot steps chased and the walkie talkies echoed through the well.
I opened a door and I noticed I was trapped from a distance but opportunity arrived. A guy was casually walking back to the room locked with an electronic key, and passed myself through the door after him right into maximum security. Sweating and gasping for air... pure paranoia.. the entire floor of this dark room stood up in horror... one lady calmed me down and said... "Slow down everyone, let's get him some water and a chair."
They asked and I said I didn't know why I was there. They said I needed help, I said, help is not what I need, I feel like I am held against my will and I'm clueless how I got here but I was chased and...
Damn, that water was good, they gave me two, three... even offered four? Of course I even need some more. But before we get close, like friends, I need to leave and I am afraid of being held against my will. They all looked in sorrow as I see myself sometimes in the mirror or how my family probably vicariously lives through me.
I said... "I might be dead and in hell and already there or maybe in a coma and in-between there or somewhere. I need to get to my wife because my phone is dead."
They let me out of the room, security was waiting, I ran past as they were still frantically panting. I Ran around them and chased myself all over the place and every room and hall way looked exactly the same.
I somehow meandered my way to the front desk... slowed to a walk, smiled at the lady and I walked right out.
It was like they all stopped at the front door and jaws dropped and the entire staff had mixed feelings of admiration, and mostly shame and doubt thinking man, I like you... why did you have to run out?
Somehow I got home after finding my car, drove a few hours and gained another chapter and scar. I was pulled to do so and will never know why. I had that rhythm deeply ingrained inside.
Most Importantly, I met with the spirit world and a soul that I call Angel; when and where will see that Guardian Angel.
To this day again and again, every single time I enter that stadium. I have mixed feelings of wanting to see her again.
From this day forward, I question... Am I alive? Am I in a coma? How can I move on with this new personality disorder? The entire world changed and it seems for the worst. So now this is a part of my life.
Too Much Mind
Like gears hear thunder?
Needs to edit
No giving myself credit
Days become Nights
Endless Pheonix flight
Burning through parchment
Need oil for lights
No end in sight
Too Much Mind
Is it Right
Should this line
Be a Song...
All seems futile
When you are
A lyrical Pupil
Change the pace here
Rob Steal Plunder
To save Face
ACCROSS my head
or near Dead?
Loop 2 Loop
Loop t Lie
Too Much Mind