Staying present

I walk through the door and take a deep breath...

I made it, I think to myself. I made it to this moment and now I can commence to freaking out in real time.

I sink deeply into the couch, lightly touch the Kleenex box and then reach into my pocket for my fidget. I know it is going to be rough, I just want to be able to stay right here. Right now in the moment.

When shit gets hard I tend to wander, to some distant land far into myself. Everyone ceases to exist except the place inside of me that no one can touch or reach.

She starts us off, that makes it easier. It's not as if we don't know each other. It's just a routine, kind of a brining you to the moment type of thing.

Oh shit, she's going to pick me next isn't she?! Damn, I knew it. I could feel me coming next.

Hi, my name is Ayanna. Today, today I'm tired. I don't want to be here and I had to talk myself into coming, you know?!

Oh, what do I hope to get out of group today?

Hmmm, I, I just hope to stay present. It's been a rough day. Thank you...

Life as a sexual abuse survivor... That is so weird and hard to say. But it is truth.

And as the rest of the group goes around, I sink deeper into the couch, I take a deep breath, lightly touch the Kleenex box and begin to fidget with my fidget...