Some Days I Thought - Am I Strong Enough Yet?

I have thought a lot about that saying throughout the years. The family and friends who told me repeatedly - "what does not kill us makes us stronger" along with, "God never gives us more than we can handle." I told myself those things over and over.

My husband who was 53 at the time came home from work and told me, "you won't believe this...I got lost in the neighborhood." Next day he was at the doctor's office being sent for a CT...when compared to a previous one he had done for tension headaches the scan showed atrophy. Early onset Alzheimers at 53. Having to go on disability after being so active in his professional career was devastating to him.

He struggled so hard. Thinking he was so young it would be a long time before his life would hit that cruel decline which comes with the diagnosis...I was so wrong. The vicious attacks came swiftly. Sundowning....oh my. I had to position myself in a centrally located family room where I could easily access the three outside doors to prevent him from walking outside when the alarm would ding. He would pace in circles throughout the house....room by room he went. I usually averaged about three hours of scattered sleep a night. Being in my forties I thought although I missed sleep it didn't seem like it was causing a problem...yeah...

I remember visiting our doctor's office for one of his appointments and the doctor asked me, "how long has your voice been hoarse?" I told my sweet friend "oh, this is my sexy Rod Stewart voice" to which she looked at me and said "no, it isn't." I was diagnosed with something I never heard of - Hashimotos. Before I knew it I was off for a thyroid biopsy which came back inconclusive. An appointment was made for a specialist but not before this thyroid beast started showing up and out for me by dumping thyroid hormones that made my normally low BP and pulse sky rocket which of course led to a heart catheter to make sure everything was alright. Thankfully it was but they got me in faster and after a thyroidectomy which my surgeon said my poor little butterfly organ was eaten up with thyroiditis. It was a quick recovery and I felt so much better.

We continued to deal with his disease progression and as I watched and lived this with him, I was tired but thought I was handling it pretty well. I went in for my thyroid routine labs and they did the routine UTI. Hmmm didn't have a clue - no pain - no issues. Long story short....I was on three rounds of antibiotics....going in weekly for a recheck...no change. She ordered a CT....and I remember the doctor at the hospital telling me - no issues found except an incidental finding of a pancreatic cyst. Strangely, there were no tears or fears hearing "pancreatic cyst". I was just kind of numb. Like ok what do we do? I listened as he told me what the next steps were and I had enough sense to call my doctor and she told me. "NO. I'm calling MD Anderson right now to get you in." - Which she did....there was an MRI and I remember laying there listening to that God awful clanging sound when I inhaled my thought was "God is so good" and with the exhales came "He is with me through all things." Throughout the test that was my mantra. From there an endoscopic procedure was done which showed that it was a benign cyst which he drained. Hearing that news in recovery - I lost it. It was a release of gratefulness and relief. Amazing thing my UTI results were fine afterwards...amazing how things can be used to alert you to something else....I would have never known I had a pancreatic cyst otherwise.

My husband continued to have health issues - now he never didn't know who I was but his behavior and issues became so great that his physicians told me it was time for him to have facility care. It was something I had fought against because of his age. It was a struggle for me. In the years that followed he continued to decline and along the way he had a massive heart attack which led to quadruple bypass. He was such a fighter - after being on a ventilator in ICU for a month he recovered. He went to rehab to learn to swallow solids and walk again. Then he had an issue that once again found us at MD Anderson and the day before Hurricane Harvey hit I received a call from his physician that he had cancer. Once again he was fighting hard to survive his latest attack on his being. In the fall of 2019 he was in Hospice care and then this thing called Covid showed up and facilities were closed..,we did duo chats but he was silent and wanted to pace. The last call we had I was stunned - he was smiling and said, "there is my beautiful wife." I almost fell off my chair. I thought my God the fight within him...amazing. He had a final rally. It had been nine weeks without seeing him when he passed.

Through each challenge I thought what doesn't kill us makes us stronger and he will never give me more than I can handle. It is true, we all go through so much in our lives - look at what you and the people around you are going through and have gone through in the past.

I think these situations blessed me with not only a greater appreciation for life, but being a better person to others....We all face trials in life - none of us are immune.

Often we are quick to think something about someone but don't know the why/because. So yes...what didn't kill me made me stronger in a better way. It also strengthened my faith as I am dependent upon him. I believe His strength covered my weakness and his grace covered me through all things.