Journal for my therapist #2

I need to send my girlfriend a message asking for time and space to talk. I know if I just wait for "the right time" when we're already together, it's not going to happen.

I'm scared she'll be fed up with me.

I know I'm a lot.

My message says "If possible, I need you to save space to talk to me after you get back from town today. And if you can't hold space today, then tomorrow." I haven't sent it because I am scared. I'm scared she's going to reply with "now I'm anxious" or that she wants to do it now so she's not thinking about it all day, but she's at work right now and has errands to run in town later.

The last time I approached her at work and said I wanted to talk later (this was literally about nothing, but just I wanted to spend time actually talking), she said it made her anxious and she couldn't stop thinking about it. This time is not something I can talk to her about during work.

I know work is more important to her than our relationship.

She's told me in the past work is more important than anything, and that the biggest reason she broke up with her ex was after he gave her essentially an ultimatum about work. He said something like "when will you be done there so we can move back home" and she took that as a "choose between work and me". I'm fucking terrified she will think I'm doing that.

I don't want her to break up with me. I want to be the one to call it.

I don't want her to have that power - it scares me. I feel like if she were to break up with me, she would be fine. She'd be unaffected because I don't actually think I mean much to her. But if I break up with her, I have control of the situation, and it's my pain in my own hands, rather than letting her take it and hurt me. I will be the one to do it when it comes to be time. Not her. Because if I do it, I don't think she will expect it from me at all, and that means she will be hurt too.

I'm so selfish but I'm so sick of being the one to shut my mouth because I don't want to hurt someone else. I'm tired of being okay with it's inconvenient to another person for me not to be.

Anyways. I've rambled.

I really do want to tell her the things that are bothering me but I'm scared to do it. I feel like I have to preface it, tell her "I know work is more important, so I'm not trying to make you choose, that's not what I want. I just want you to know how I feel." But.

But.

But.

But.

What if this is her last straw with me. I'd like to try and change things first, work it out with her. I want to tell her flat out what bothers me, but I'm scared that if she thinks I want more time for us than she puts into work, she'll think I'm giving her an ultimatum. She has very, very, hard stances on her opinions.

One time, months ago, a mutual friend/former coworker said she could see us being together forever. And my girlfriend laughed and said, sort of off-handedly, while on her phone, "I don't know, I've got that ADHD, and that applies to people to."

I remember that shit word for words because stuff like that really, really effects me. Am I just for you to pass the time? Why did you make me feel special? Should I just let you read this instead of talking to you? Our friend, kind of gaped then looked at me and said "How do you feel about that?" and I don't remember what I said but I sort of laughed it off.

This happened so long ago, but every time I feel brushed off or pushed to the side, it floats its way back up front and center in my brain. Just to remind me I'm temporary. She'll get bored. She never intended for this to last. Next time someone better, more fun, more interesting comes along.

I miss when she used to say she was attracted to me.

I feel so.

Usable?

This is almost like what my ex boyfriend did, but at least he didn't make me feel like I was at fault all the time.

I wish she had never kissed me. I remember her driving me home every night this time last year, when we were doing a movie marathon together for a week. The flirting used to be a joke, until it wasn't, and I remember being in the dark in the car just chanting in my head "don't kiss me, don't kiss me, don't kiss me" because I knew it would mess everything up. It did too. I really wish she hadn't.

Now, I feel stupid writing this. I'm fucking waxing poetic, on what I feel like I don't have the right to call pain. If I were to tell her all this, word for word, I can hear her saying "how was I supposed to know?"

Guess I'll find out.