a journey to the center; a conversation with The Self; the decision

my head is spinning- upsy daisy

I feel a little fucking crazy

I am a little Inside Out

- out of my mind

i feel a little topsy turvy

skin crawls- it’s getting more unnerving

flesh bounds flesh- ’til it collides

bones move like bricks

-the house imploding

tongue- smooth yet stiff

lungs catch the motion

heart race fast- Expose? Or Hide?

in deep but out shallow

breathing practiced- Motions hollow

-the house, rebuild and then divide

flesh bounds flesh- the walls get thicker

moving still- but oh so quicker

life breathes, still- yet dies inside

pressure pushing past the surface

-hurting, what stands in place

the mask resurfaced -

———-

///

if you were able to see me like I see me would you too fear the reflection? would you run from the light, leap into the darkness leaving only memories of joy. whispers of past moments? things the present is not designed to contain? comfort and hurt exist in duality for me. and I’ve come to forget the difference. whether by choice or neglect- the result still the same. —and would you too forsake your divinity if heaven was a crown of jewels lined with thorns?

or must I crawl on hands and feet with whips ready to lash the back. scream in tongues for forgiveness? bleed in union for a re-disposition? then feast upon our suffering as recompense?

this must be how young birds feel at the first push. to lose grip on reality and be told to fly

-with broken wings and twisted legs- too young to nurture myself self back to health. still too young to understand. yet You say Your eye catches every sparrow but I always feel eclipsed in the peripheral…

….

…But maybe that’s the god in me. So ready to destroy my creation. Turning Ninevehs out of mole hills. Swallowing self into the belly of the whale. Chasing down shadows of memories into the flames. These are our miracles to marvel at.

Yes- the reflection I turn from is the voice of a hurting child. My lost lamb.

But our decisions have been born out of circumstance. It’s like dipping one’s head back to take a sip of water. You have to expose the neck in order to quench the thirst.

///

—-

thoughts blur with silence

hearing deafened

…