tarnished

There was a time where when things got worse, the towers collapsed. 911 reaplenished, anything and anything could of happened to society and I was set. The love I had around me, pairs upon pairs of open hands for mine umongst anyone we surrounded with needed. But as months set in and events we all wished to forget got undug from the ground. Secrets were let out, bodys mocing states away, much disctruction.the world was messy, but we were messier. It was more of a callateral of personal to societal issues we battled with like an xbox game. Things got unravled like twine to its cardboard roll, relationships started to shread like a paper in the shredder, the feeling of being seen and happy flows down the drain as ever part of you that made you happy didnt exist anymore. The people that were once around me, withered away ash or some ghost. The state I had countless relations with became from my destination to 2000 miles away. Starting over was the worst, finding new comfort within myself or what I could use, new relations, building one with my sister. It became a whole new life I had to adapt and buld. When personal issues hit the cercit, it became what I couldnt handle. My one hunch I never fully developed to deal , I just ignored. Ignored. Ignored. I cant ignore it now, I cant dismiss my mothers death, I cant dismiss the disapearance of my father and his sketchy parts having to do with her deat*. The mess my family is in is so bad, and Im stuck in it. The relations I once had arround me that had vanished, I wanted more than ever now. One person I had loved to talk to, dismissed me like I was apart of her life to forget. The one time I needed at least one person to listen. Relationships had closed out of my mind months ago, once I lost feelings, my want for any other relationship just left. And im fine with that.Right now I think Id rather have little 'crushes' I guess you could say but be by myself. I cant hurt myself anymore right now, and pain from someone else is the last thing I need right now. But the lonliness has slowly been filling up with people. People who are present and give semi fuc*s for all I know but I am fine with that now. Having the oppurtunity to laugh and let loose and think about more than just my family and everything bottled up. I get a break, thats all I really urn for, a breath. Something to get me out of the fogging blast my world has torn into.