confessions

part i

thoughts scream into these claustrophobic cages: why am i here?

cowardly confessions before cross-turned-gavel with no grace for the tears, the whispered crimson stains held within the secrets of the in-between.

"next! why are you here?"

a choice of controlling sovereignty against the breath of fear, kneeling unworth with no better answer than the rebellious nakedness of truth, stolen grasps with little tolerance for selfish/less words sitting on the bedside table.

"YOU FAILED ME!"

yawning disappointment, shame unexplainable, regret...?

"depart from me; I never knew you."

traitorous commands uncharacteristic, yet believed in the presence of perfectionist facades. broken before the flawless, sick-borderline-healed before the whole.

pretzels and water at thirty thousand and suddenly

oh! it was an open embrace and understanding that awaited that dying nineteen-year-old. but some secrets are better left unspoken, for the sake of the twenty million... but at what cost?

part ii

I'M gluing the stars to the falling sky when the fear finds my näive heart, lie after lie---clouds upon clouds---and a child crying. curled in the grassy knoll overgrown with weeds, grass, wildflowers...?

NOT healing but irreparably broken, oh! those shatters were windblown, carried with the final breath of prayers unanswered.

WHO will remember the girl of the fields after the trees fall away beneath the oppressive weight of reality?

YOU hypocrite! a chosen single of millions to witness the murder of hope, yet doesn't tell her story---a voice that doesn't speak, useless.

THINK now, but it's too late: she's gone. tears on engraved stone, rain overflowing from bloodred windows. you wonder how you missed it but it was right in front of you the whole time.

I let go of the expectation of vulnerability when you averted your eyes, but

AM i still as beautiful as the girl of the evergreens?

--

inspired by clayton jennings' confessions