Depression is one hell of a beast.

I've been depressed for a long time. I would say that I was diagnosed at 17 but it's honestly been longer than that. My earliest memory of feeling depressed probably started in elementary school. I was bullied relentlessly for being fat and tall. To top it all off, I was in the gifted program (that should be abolished in my opinion) so I had a hard time "being smart" while "being cool" to my peers.

My self-esteem was always low and I'd often daydream of being someone else. I always wanted to be the popular girl or the pretty girl that everyone liked. I hated my body and asked God multiple times to make me skinny with every salad I ate so I would be likable. Looking back, my heart breaks that such a young girl had such strong feelings of self-hatred.

I remember being on a field trip in second grade and looking in the mirror. I hated the way I looked. I saw a fat girl in a too-tight button-up sweater with hair too short and a weird nose. Somehow I convinced myself that glasses would make me look better. Now I wear glasses and I still detest the person I see in the mirror.

Now, like most people with this illness, I have good days. Some days I just can't get out of bed. And then there are those days when I wish that I weren't here anymore.

Those days are obviously the hardest. I remember when those suicidal thoughts were rampant while I was in college. I didn't go to class often and I would lay in bed hating myself for every single mistake I ever made in life. I kept berating myself for messing "everything up" and I just could not see a way out. I didn't really talk to anyone about it. I mostly drank a lot to numb the pain. Somehow, I was able to graduate and put college behind me. But, the depression that follows me never actually left.

I realize all of this now. I wish I had the mindset to talk about everything in my therapy sessions in college. I wish that I understood that depression is a legitimate illness and that my poor performance in school had little to do with my own intellect and everything to do with the chemical imbalance in my brain due to trauma, genetics, and circumstances out of my control.

Above all, I wish I had the grace to give myself some compassion back then. I am my own biggest bully and I'm learning that being gentle with growth works a hell of a lot better than chastising myself into changing. It is difficult and hindsight is always 20/20, but I'm glad that now I am heading toward a better horizon.

However, depression is a hell of a beast.