VICTorious I aM
Just sitting here day after day,
Wasting away, waiting for something to change,
But it won't.
My mind it spins, then loneliness sets in, I want the pain to end,
I'm bending but not yet broke.
With tired eyes I search for signs, but the light it blinds,
And i begin to cry; not ever really realizing why, then I choke.
The air it's SO thin, I can barely breath in, more tears begin to form and then,
In my mind I begin to ask if it's all a nasty joke...
Were things really supposed to be this way? My life full of brokenness, tears and pain? Of disease that will never really go away, but instead will stay, making themselves right at home?
For it seems to me that the mind is not free because the demons don't flee, but instead fight fiercely preying on what's left of one's hope.
And here I find myself, standing in the aftermath of the gore,
In the midst of the filth and entrails that it leaves smeared behind me on the floor.
Yet still I stand resiliently,
Watching myself bleed yet again.
Watching as everything that I have left inside,
Is slowly giving up the fight, inch by inch until there is no more.
But I won't lay down, no I won't lay down and allow it take,
Instead I'll stand here and proudly fake, that smile which is upon my face.
As I reassure everyone that I'm ok, because I am, ok.
No really, I am o.k.
How? Because I know that at times I will hurt and I will cry, that I may bleed and one day die, but I will NEVER get back this moment in time, so I won't...
I won't waste precious minutes on tears, or on the pain, on the worries or fears,
On frivolous things that are to remain unknown til later days, even years, maybe not ever.
So a master of disguise I'll be,
The many faces one might see,
Should they closely be observing me.
And oh, the little white lies I'll have to tell,
Like blatantly denying that I'm not well,
Not to mention hiding the affects it has on me and the toll it takes on my weakend body.
But I will fight, tirelessly, both inside and out,
This nonstop war that brings about unfathomable fatigue, sorrows, heartaches and pains...
the anxiety I fight day after day.
And though some days I may carry it well, remember that a smile can only tell one small part of a bigger story, and sometimes I may seem alright but I will never be able to give up my fight. No surrender, not anytime.
And VICTorious I aM over anxiety, even if it's only for a moment in my head,
And you'd better believe it because you can get this soldier won't stop fighting, no, not until I'm dead.