A Sea of Feelings

Finally. After fourteen years of random hook-ups and a friendship that overcame everything in between, it started to feel serious. The only issue, this separation with my husband didn’t seem as though it would last, either.

Xavier parked his car. He shouldn’t have been driving, despite the bar being less than a mile from his home. He and I too intoxicated off Hennessy, to speak. We were too stoned to make sense of verbal conversation. We heavily relied on our little cues and connection. He staggered around the BMW, managing to open my door. I just about got out of the car, until I looked up and he had his hand out, waiting. As I grabbed it, we both almost went down. Laughing, we guided each other to the porch. Xavier fumbled thru his pockets for his keys, unlocked the door and tunnel vision set in, as we climbed the steps, heading right to his room.

Since we were teenagers, everyone cracked jokes about our relationship. It wasn’t normal, but it was us.

He threw his phone and wallet onto his dresser, as I kicked my shoes off my feet. I dropped my purse on accident and left it there. I climbed into bed & watched him hang his coat, carefully… Well, sort of.

Xavier turned around and gave me that smile. That smile that certified how much he cares about me. Yet, it held pain as we knew this couldn’t be serious, like usual.

He climbed into bed next to me. For a minute or two we laid there in the dark, taking in what we could. Oddly as intimate as we have been, it’s never been on this side of intimacy. There’s never been cuddling. There’s been a lot of sexual intimacy. The humid July air filled the room, as the crickets spoke to each other.

He slowly moved closer, as I turned around to face him. Xavier situated himself, laying on his back. Both of us sat up a little bit, heads against the wall, giving us support, then our locked eyes.

This wasn’t unusual. In fact, people often pointed out that we have always had eyes on each other. Apparently people find it weird.

As we laid there, eyes locked, I saw things in those ocean blue eyes that I never had before.

Xavier pulled me in, an invisible boundary he has never climbed over. The moonlight lite up his best features, highlighting the waves in his eyes. His brown hair was six shades lighter, as the moon frosted the tips of his hair.

After fourteen years, I understood why we haven’t been intimate outside of hook-ups and a friendship that was envied and continued.

I laid my head on his shoulder. Examining parts of his chest tattoo, along with everything underneath me. Slightly turning, he planted a kiss on top of my head. Then gently lifted my head with his thumb under my chin. As he gave me a short, but sweet kiss, it hit me like an unsuspecting wave. The kind of wave that takes the breath from you. Looking up, I realized that he embodies the ocean.

Xavier is where I vacation. He is my break from the real world. He is my ocean. I am the sand. Like the tide, he can only go so far before he has to pull himself back. Although the more we go back to one another, the further that tide engulfs me. He pushes himself and his true feelings onto me, saturating me. However, something reels him back in. I get it now. It’s not a lack of love or commitment. He is afraid to completely wash over me because of the depth of his darkness. X has things that are tucked away, swimming around deep down.

I kiss him, again. He smiles and for a minute, you would think we had the happiest relationship of them all. That’s when I hear him sign, resting his head atop mine. Between he and I, our live is unspoken. For once I wish I had the courage to tell him how much I trust him.

Xavier is so afraid to let me swim into those depths, knowing we know each other better than anyone. We joke that we have been stuck with each other in past lives.

He played with my red flaming hair, twirling it through his fingers.

One day I’ll tell him how much I trust him. One day he’ll allow the tide to flood my sands. In all honest, the only time I don’t feel like I’m drowning in this lifetime, is when I’m with him. Xavier helps me stay afloat.

We drift into sleep, as we ride the waves of our emotions together. He holds onto me tightly, as if he’s the one afraid of drowning.