A Letter to “Her”

I guess the first thing I wanna say is, "Fuck you."

The second would be that I miss you.  In the mornings when I'm first waking up, on the verge between this world and Orpheus' Domain, I can lay there content, because I *know* that you are there, because I can smell your hair on my pillow.  And then in one jarring moment, the memories come flooding back and I fucking hate you for doing this to me.

I hate you for making me fall in love with you.  I didn't want to, you know.  I just wanted to be your friend, to expand my world views by just one more point of contact with the rest of humanity.  But you're insidious, you malicious devil.  You got under my skin, plied me with sex, and whispered into my ear all of the things that I wanted to hear.

And you made me love you.  You made me fall for your infectious smile.  You made me want to stare into your beautiful emerald eyes for eternity.  You made me want to be with you until my last dying breath.  You made me want to be a better version of myself--a version I didn't even know was possible.

You made me smile.  For once in my life, I felt true happiness when I was around you.  When I wasn't with you, you made me want to meld myself to you, our skin becoming one, sharing one breath and one body.  When we made love, we did this thing--and it was perfection.  Heaven came to Earth and our bodies were of the Divine.

And you killed me.  My heart aches to the point of death: this anvil sitting on my chest so that I cannot breathe.  I can't eat, I can't sleep, and my eyes burn from the tears that I've shed.  You made me love you, but you dashed it all away--the perfection marred, ragged rips and unhealed scars upon my heart in the shape of your perfectly manicured nails.

Why did you do this to me?  Why ruin my solitary existence?  Why rob me of my sweet, blissful ignorance and give me a taste of that verboden, the happiness that only those in love share?  Why show me this, and then rip it all away?  You know I was content in my loneliness.  You know that my emotions had been walled up behind a stark wall of logic, built brick-by-brick by my schoolmates and those who shunned me as a child.

But then you ripped down those walls, and the flood was let out, and I am drowned.

I miss you. . .

Fuck you. . .