All I Hear Is..

Well, my thoughts as I read this were about trying to find something to fill the endless hours of nothing. I currently have 2 jobs, one in my field and one as just extra money. However, it is slow at both places right now so I work maybe 3 days a week. Sitting, eating, laying down, reading, eating again, random drives, petting my cat- this is all I am right now. It is easy to get lost in the mundane and, upon waking, realize that you feel 'gross'. That sitting and basically doing nothing makes you feel empty and that you aren't trying to do anything with your life. The mundane allows dark corners of thought to reach out and make themselves more known- usually hidden behind professional smiles or busy hands, the corners take over your thoughts. Your health, weight, bank account, family, friends, all of it becomes vulnerable. Like open wounds that are reopened just for salt to be shoved inside. Sometimes the darker thoughts will pop out of nowhere: questioning if death is something you would fear or not if it were to happen suddenly, maybe by your own hand. I am NOT suicidal, but the dark corners sure like to make you wonder. Now I am a bit embarassed by where this tirade has gone- but as prompted I am just typing. Currently I am sitting on a small twin bed in a cabin I live in as part of my position at a camp as an environmental educator. With schools just starting back after the holidays, I only work once a week taking care of the small collection of reptiles and amphibians we have for our herpetology classes. I spend an hour everyday applying to jobs online, wanting to feel more like an educator than a fancy camp counselor. Yet, all I hear back is silence or interviews with undecided dates to hear back. I am 13 hours away from friends and family, wondering if I am on the right path at all, or if I am only flailing in a dark pond hoping I grab a log. The last several years I have been working in seasonal positions working in all types of environmental educator positions I have loved, except for my current position. But I am starting to feel weary of not knowing what or even where comes next. I am from Alabama and in the last 3.5 years I have lived in: Alabama, Mississippi, Florida, south Alabama, Bristol (UK), Alaska, and North Carolina. My heart never wants to settle, but my mind begs for somewhere constant. Somewhere I can put roots. Yet my heart screams for adventure away, away from the chaos that is family and the small town I grew up. Somewhere I can start anew, surrounded by strangers that become amazing friends I talk to through SnapChat. Surrounded by wildlife that I have only seen on TV, books, or screens. Surrounded by people that aren't from my small part of Alabama and comment endlessly on my apparently VERY strong southern accent while saying its cute, not weird. But again, my brain wants consistency, knowing that I will still be where I am in not just a few months but in the next years. Somewhere I can reliably be sent Amazon packages and have friends know they can open the door and find me. Where I can bring my nephew to spend a week with me everyyear. Where I can decorate and not worry about accruing too much to stuff back into suitcases to either go in a car or on a plane. Where I can get to know the store owner and pick at them for discounts and laughs. Life is a scattering of faces and places that I want to add to and all at once stop. The amazing excitement of stepping into an airport for another adventure while anxiety also eats at my insides reminding me I know no one at this new location but my heart stepping in and reminding me thats where the magic lies. Yet, my mind also whispers that time is finite and my grandmothers are low on sand to fall. That my cat can't follow me constantly, and she too is ageing. That my nephew hates speaking on the phone, and could easily forget me if I am gone for too long. Yet the song of adventure is in my other ear. Whispering of places, experiences, and friends to find, not through remaining in Alabama, but by adventuring and adding to my map of places I have visited. The swan song of adventure has won out for almost four years and most of me wants it to remain the winner. However, enough of me cries for consistency. To not switch coworkers like old socks and instead greet the same faces every day for not months but years. To have steady income and not wonder if I will have to ask my parents for help when work is slow or I am between places. My soul cries for a relationship not founded on a few weeks and fizzling out because I know I won't stay. Cries to create roots that connect for more lasting memories rather than amazing blips of time in my life. I know Alabama is not my home, it has some of my heart, but it isn't my future. My family likes to remind me that if I am far away, or god forbid in the north where snow isn't just in pictures but on roads as a consistent feature half the year, I won't know how to help myself. Yet I defend by stating my nomadic life has created a strong independent soul that can't be told it needs to have help. That I can't move somewhere permananetly far away because I would be alone- no my soul screams that I will make friends and maybe new family that will fill that inevitable social void. Yet, here I sit on a small twin bed, alone. Two jobs did not make much room for creating outside friendships besides friendly coworkers. Here I sit an hour from the beach that I have not yet seen because I am tired of going new places to explore alone because I don't have anyone to ask. Coworkers at camp have left for different places and coworkers at bath and body works are too busy with their lives. It is not necessarily that I hate exploring alone, no I love it. But when the choice isn't there, it becomes lonely rather than exciting.