Maybe that was a time long ago...

I'm trying to think of a moment when I felt alive and it's hard. Maybe because I've been stuck in so much pain for what seems like years I've lost what it felt like to be alive. I guess I could consider the little things, going to see friends that care and joke and are happy make me feel somewhat alive. I don't feel dead or numb so I guess it's a start. Seeing the kids run and play can help but iy doesn't help every time. Sometimes it just makes things worse. Day dreaming about him and me can get my blood pumping and feeling better. Seeing him too. But maybe those are just distractions I give myself because I'm afraid of feeling truly dead. If this isn't it already, I don't want to find out what is.