Maybe that was a time long ago...
I'm trying to think of a moment when I felt alive and it's hard. Maybe because I've been stuck in so much pain for what seems like years I've lost what it felt like to be alive. I guess I could consider the little things, going to see friends that care and joke and are happy make me feel somewhat alive. I don't feel dead or numb so I guess it's a start. Seeing the kids run and play can help but iy doesn't help every time. Sometimes it just makes things worse. Day dreaming about him and me can get my blood pumping and feeling better. Seeing him too. But maybe those are just distractions I give myself because I'm afraid of feeling truly dead. If this isn't it already, I don't want to find out what is.
Panzer
Sucking in great gasps of air the adrenaline rips through me. Eyes wide I stand, half naked on the side of a remote road, bleeding. The seeping, filthy swatch of raw flesh runs from my elbow to my wrist. Speed wobble at thirty five (ish) miles an hour, no broken bones, chalk it up to a win. Wobble kicks in, flesh to pavement, tuck and roll as best I can until the pavement takes me. Hands to elbow to side until the drag is too much. The slide takes my skin. Ankle, ribs, thigh, Right arm, Left elbow. I manage to kick out of the slide into a roll and arrest the peeling process. The second I stop I leap onto my feet and bolt across the country road desperately chasing my board. It's caught on a tree about fifty feet down the steep embankment that drops down from the shoulder. I step onto the uneven ground ready to scramble down, not paying attention to the forest floor. A thick bed of dead, dry pine needles coats everything serenely. I immediately slip on this natural death trap, fall flat on my ass and careen down the hill. Trying desperately to slow my wild descent I grasp at the terrain around me, scrubbing debris into my open wounds. Dirt in my wrist, pine needles in my arm. Mercifully, there is a boulder next to the tree trunk that holds my board. I slam against it's mossy surface and grab my board, no damage, chalk it up to a win. My best friend has carefully made her way close to me. I hand her my board and begin my climb. I find the needles just as slippery in the other direction. I fight, continuing to slip and slide down, gaining no ground until my brother picks his way down the slope and offers me his hand. Braced against a tree he pulls me to clear ground and looks me over shaking his head- while I just shake. I strip off my tattered clothes and look over my fresh new layer of skin. Opening the first aid kit my brother gives me "the look". That god damn look on his face. Head down-slightly to the right- eyes tilted up, forehead wrinkled, eyebrows askew, mouth tight. "You got yourself pretty good." he says working on scrubbing the gravel out of the patch on my leg. I extend my arm to survey the extent of the damage. Chest heaving, half naked on the side of a remote road, eyes sparkling, a coyote smile stretches my mouth to its limit, teeth flashing.
"But,"
I say, looking down at his worried face
"Isn't it great...
just to be Alive."
