Loving can be difficult

I sat in front of her. We were both on the floor, facing each other. I looked at her. One of my hands was on her knee. The other one was cupping her cheek, my thumb wiping a small tear.

She sat in front of me. She looked at me. One of her hands was next to her, blood dripping from her just cut wrists. The other one was holding the blade.

5 minutes later we were in exactly the same place. We didn't even need to talk. There was no need of any word exchanging. Our eyes spoke more than our words.

I watched her. She was crying, yet she was still as beautiful as she was when I first saw her. Her deep eyes, filled with tears, were showing one of the saddest story I've seen.

I lived with her for years. I love her. She loves me. I knew from the beggining what I was getting into. Being in a relationship with her was harder than I expected. But I couldn't stay away from her.

I know she suffered. I know she suffers. She is sad, broken and lost. So when I said I'll be forever by her side I meant that I'll help her go through this.

Yet she's still hurting. She's still feeling suicidal. She still hates herself. And she makes me hate myself too.

How could I live knowing that she is still suffering even though I promised her I'll cure her of this disease and send away those demons in her head?

How could I still like myself as a person when I just broke a promise I made to the love of my life?

She's looking at the ground. She's thinking of something, something that makes her sad 'cause I can see her start to shake. She looks at me and starts trembeling and shaking more. She's tearing up again. 'I'm..I-I am re-really so-sorry...' she starts whispering...

How could she ever think that? She could never dissapoint me and I could never be angry at her. But she's still shaking.

I take her hands in my own and put hers on my chest so she could feel my heart beat. I help her concetrate of the sound of my breathing and my heart pounding in my chest. Time passes by, but I know when she finally calmes down, I take her too the bathroom and clean her wounds.

It's not the first time I find her cutting. It actually happened a lot of times. Two weeks ago I found her right here in the bathroom with a knife in her hand.

She's hurting herself over and over, again and again. And it makes me so sad to see her in this state.

After I bandage her wrists, she hugs me tightly.

'I love you' she says.

'And I love you' I respond.

But is that true? Well I do have some powerful feelings for her, certainly. But is it love?

I mean...

How could I love somebody who doesn't even love herself...?