It’s For The Best

What do you think it means to love someone?

Because honestly, I’m not sure. 

It’s so hard to differentiate between what’s real and what’s not. 

At first, you feel like you’re on fire in the best way possible, with music pounding in your heart. You’re lighter than you’ve ever been. But then, not far into it, you become aware that underneath it all is a heavy uncertainty, and all that’s keeping it from crushing you is a touch, a word, a look – anything – from that person. It’s right above you. You’ve done your best to ignore it your entire life, but there’s something about opening up to someone that makes you acknowledge the shadow. And you panic, until you’re reassured, and the rope holds. 

For now. 

They’re holding it for you. And they have the power to ruin you, and the worst part is, they don’t even know it. But you do. And so you suffer in this kind-of loneliness.

Is that love?

A purgatory, stuck between hope and despair? Against your better judgement, making a miraculous leap of faith that you can trust them? 

There’s so much there to laugh at. 

You’re the punchline to the joke that is your situation.

Fuck, I knew we wouldn’t last. But, you were the first I thought could work. I was honest with you. And you couldn’t even give me that in return. When you kissed me, you would look into my eyes and, damn it all to hell, I believed what was in yours. 

And, in the end, it was all a lie. Whatever you felt, you brushed off, and left it in the dirt. Behind the concern, beyond the small touches, you were done. You didn’t want to try anymore.

It was just too much effort.

Whatever I added to your life, you didn’t need anymore. It was an experiment, and the results said I wasn’t worth it. You didn’t intentionally hurt me. But I know, and you know, that you could have handled it better.

I tried so hard for you. And I didn’t know, no, I refused to entertain the notion that I was being led on. I wanted to think, even if it was a delusion, that someone wanted me. Who wants to be alone? Who doesn’t want to be desired? 

In the end, the cost of believing was too high.

I’m broke. 

I don’t know why you couldn’t try for me. Why you just wouldn’t be honest with me and tell me you didn’t want me anymore, that it was okay while it lasted but now that it’s not convenient, it was time for us to go our separate ways. I’m just not good enough for anyone. That’s why I tried to change. But I was wrong to do that. So I’ll just find myself on my own, without help.

I didn’t need you, but damn, I wanted you.

But it’s okay, though I’m not especially consolable. I’m hurt, and I’m weighed down by yet another loss, but I took the rope back from your hands. I’ve realized I need to stop seeking someone to share my burdens with and hold it myself, until I find someone who, piece by piece, makes it easier. Who understands the impacts of what I’m sharing. Who wants to make the shadow smaller.

So, until that very, (but hopefully not) hypothetical day, I’ll put my effort into myself. And I’ll heal. Through the work I have to do.

There’s a lot of answers I need to search for. 

You see, I’ve found one already.

Where I went wrong with you was this:

I was dependent on you. Entirely. I believed in the best of you, and I ignored the signs. That’s my fault. I don’t blame you for not wanting to deal with it. It’s for the best.

But, I did everything else right. The rest – that was your fault. You lost me, and I lost what I thought I needed to be. I’m afraid to be alone, but I’m ready to take responsibility for myself. And you know, in the future, I’ll have someone that I can trust. It’ll be in no way perfect, but I won’t be in it alone. We’ll depend on each other, as equals. We’ll fuck up, but we’ll try for each other. And that’s more than I ever had with you.