James

James

I held her in my arms trying to fight the urge not to cry and kill the guy that did this to her. But, as painful as it is to admit it, Sam is right, she’s just a kid, Who’s murdered thousands. What are we to do when she just lies there on one of the queen-sized beds? Sam sits in the chair and puts a hand to his mouth, thinking. I sigh and sit on the floor beside the other bed so I am hidden from his view. I take the journal that Raynor had given me and breathe out, trying to get all the courage left in my body to write something down. Eventually, I will write a single entry. Hopefully.

She’s asleep right now. I think she means a lot more than I actually think she does. I mean, I look at her and see this mess that can’t be fixed. In the best way possible, of course. She’s this small puppy that just needs a loving home. Eirin. I can’t explain her or who she is. She’s scary in some ways. But not how it gives you the chills but how it makes you wonder if she is really the one that is insane. I could never write like this in a journal. I hope Raynor won’t actually look through it. I mean, I won’t really doubt that she will but I hope she doesn’t. You can have hope, right? Besides the part that I let her get hurt, she looks calm as she sleeps. I punched him. The guy that hurt her. I did it for her. If I don’t keep protecting her, they’ll take her back to that rehab place and torture her more than what that guy did to her. Sam thinks she has some sort of head concussion. What if she never wakes up? What if what I’m thinking of actually happens? I hope she wakes up. I’ll tell her when she does. I’ll let her know that I’m here for her. That she can cry in my chest. I want her to know that I can be her comforting place. I can bring her home. I can make her safe. She’s never felt safe or been safe, she needs to know she is with me. This time I failed her. Or am I the danger? I mainly let this happen. I walked away. She had this fire in her eyes that told me she could do this by herself. Maybe it was telling me she needed help and I read it wrong. But what if I didn’t? What if I filled her with too much hope? I hate myself for what I’ve done to her.

The reason she cries is that of me. I know I shouldn’t have, but Sam read her small journal entries too. I grabbed her neck in my sleep with my metal arm. I hurt her. She fears me. To be honest, I’m not surprised. I mean, I fear myself too. Sometimes when she’s asleep, as creepy as it sounds, I watch her. She’s calm and actually pretty comfortable. When she’s about to cry, she'll avoid eye contact. When she’s lying her nose twitches. Eirin thinks I don’t see it. But I do. I see everything about her. Of course there are only a few things I’ve never seen. I have never seen her smile or heard her laugh. I’ll make her laugh. She’ll feel safe with me. I want her to live the life that she couldn’t before. Even if she hates herself, I make her feel loved. She’s damn amazing and needs to see it.

Putting the journal in the drawer and standing, I feel a little better. Maybe that asshat was right. I walked into the bathroom and then locked the door. Why am I like this? Eirin fucking Wesson. She’s this person, this girl, that’s controlling my every thought. But I’m me, right? So I can control what I think about. No, of course not. After splashing my face with hot water, I wiped my face and walked back out to see Sam passed out in the other bed and all the lights off. I sat in the uncomfortable chair and stretched my legs out. Eirin’s still asleep. I’ve never been so stressed about someone sleeping. She moved into a ball position, making me jump. I thought she was waking up. Incorrect. She needs to wake up. My eyes closed tightly then opened again when I groaned.

We stayed the night, but it felt like years. Sam suggested we take her to a hospital. I would say no but wouldn't tell him why. If we take her, chances are C.A.R.M.A. take her away from me and I won’t be able to help save her. I have to help, right? Eirin’s hair is like a rat's nest when I brush it. When it’s finally brushed, I pull it up into a bun, sighing. When I carried her into the jet, she nuzzled into my chest. I hate this. I can’t even help. Sam catches my gaze and nods.

“She’ll be okay-” He began but I couldn’t stop myself.

“Don’t even tell me it’s not my fault! If I didn’t leave her alone, she wouldn’t be like this. Right now. Of course it’s my fault. I do this to everyone. Even Steve. He’s gone. I wish he never went back” My voice broke the second I looked at Eirin’s face. Even asleep, she can tell when people are fighting. I stopped and took a breath. Sam walked over to her and threw a blanket over small body., sighing.

“She’s delicate. Fragile. Special. You feel responsible for her. Bucky, sometimes you have to know what you handle. She is one of those things. Steve’s death wasn’t. Her laying right here isn't. Sure, you need to take care of her, but it’s okay if she gets a few bruises and cuts.” Sam sat down, looking at me. I didn't speak to him the entire ride. Feeling her here, hurting probably, it makes me feel like I’ve failed.

⛧

I remember the time that Steve first met this. . .Girl. The two were inseparable. He would always get into fights when he was still a twig and she would always be there when I couldn't be. The last night that we saw her, I was getting deployed. I don’t remember her name, but I feel like it was a flower. Fauna. That’s not it, but it feels right. Fauna tried to hide her tears and her fear when Steve said goodbye to me. She punched my shoulder and told me to take care of myself. Steve held her hand, making sure she wouldn’t break down. Fauna was this tough girl. Not one that you could just push around. After months of knowing her, I could tell that she could keep Steve safe when I wasn’t around.

Fauna sent me letters before I started sending her any. As much as I wanted to tell Steve, I didn’t. It felt like it was our own thing that we used to escape the world. The war. The way she curved her S’s, and A’s made me smile. I think I would tell her about the rain and the different people we would meet. Fauna loved music. One night, she took Steve and I to a bar just to see the woman in a red dress sing. I never told her when I was coming back. Steve knew, but she didn’t. That was the best part. Her smile, the glow in her eyes when she saw me. Just like that, I crushed her heart like a beetle on a hot summer day. The way the uniform sat on Steve’s body made her cry. The lipstick she wore made her look like she was laughing.

We took her to the bar that night. She danced around with the different people there, singing along. A man with a mustache let us get drinks for free that night since he really liked her. She was the nicest person he’d ever met and thought she deserved a sort of gift for having to let go of her two best friends. When she finally sat with us at the table, she pulled her hair out of the high bun, grinning at us. Steve was still anxious but Fauna didn’t care. She stood behind him and rocked his shoulders while the band played. Even though he looked annoyed, you could tell he enjoyed it. That’s also when we met Chadly, her brother. I could never forget a name like that.

Chadly had been gone for years, longer than they had ever sent me out for. Fauna never got along with girls her age because she grew up with the military, war, and army guys. That never bothered her though. She jumped into his arms and hugged him tightly. You could see him crying. She paused and pulled him into a quiet hallway. I eavesdropped to find out that she saw the scar on his neck. He promised her he’d be careful and wouldn’t come back with anymore on his body, but it hurt her even though it was small. I lied, saying I was looking for the bathroom just to walk over there. Chadly got drunk after a while, singing with his other soldiers, laughing as their beers clanged against each other. They pulled Steve into their little party, making me and Fauna laugh. We stood outside and watched the sky sleep.

“Thank you James. You’ve helped me a lot. I will send you letters if you do the same.” She grinned, bumping my shoulder. Back then, I would talk a lot more, but with her I couldn’t speak. She touched my hand and Handed me a pen. “I was thinking of getting a tattoo but I didn’t know what. And you seem way cooler than my brother with stuff like this so, got any ideas?” She asked, beginning to draw on my arm. I laughed and grabbed the pen from her and held onto her shoulder, drawing a raven soaring around. She smiled while I held onto her. When I finished, she giggled and pulled my jacket off, beginning to copy the drawing.

“You know, you’re pretty cool, kid.” I said, her hair blowing against my arm. She laughed, snapping the cap onto the pen.

“Yeah, I know.” Fauna laughed, pulling me back inside. Just like that, we spent the rest of the night dancing and singing with her brother and her friends. She calls all of them her brothers. All 25 of them. I see it. They all care about her to where you think that they’re all related. The next morning, we were leaving. Steve hugged her goodbye, giving her a flower afterwards. When he spun around, his face looked almost as red as the rose he gave her. When I hugged her, she whispered to me ‘If you don’t come back, I’ll monitor him. But know that I’ll also beat your ass.’ We laughed together, bumping your fists together. As the bus drove away, I watched as she stood there, her hair and dress blowing in the wind as she waved.

I sent her one letter. I don’t even remember what it said but I remember that she never sent one back. Ever since then, she’s been gone. Steve was pretty upset when we saved the whole damn world. But then the asshat had to drive a jet into the ice. He stayed in the ice for years and I was tortured. Neither of us thought about her until after fighting Thanos. He told me he’d try to find her. When Sam sat beside him on the bench that day, he came back from returning the stones; I wanted to ask him. I wanted to talk to him about what he did. I never did. I’d understand if Fauna left to get away from what we were doing to her.

After a long time of fighting, we won. Sam looked pretty badass in his new Falcon suit. Almost a month and Eirin is still asleep. Sam’s sister looks after her while I’m out and about. When I get back, she always shakes her head and loads her into the car. Sam would work on the boat while I said goodbye to them all. He stands at the car and sighs.

“She better wake up quick. I mean, the kids wanna meet her.” He laughs, gesturing to his sister’s kids. I chuckled, nodding. On the drive home, it’s quiet. I hate the quiet. I tuck her into bed, putting a water bottle by her bed for if she wakes up. Most nights I sit by the bed and just wait. So much hope leaves my body each day that she isn’t awake. Using a notebook, I sketch the bird that once stained my arm for a month. It hurts to think about if she dies like this. I know that I’ll be held accountable for it. I also never thought that this girl would have this kind of effect on me. It hurts like hell, and I’ve had my arm taken off.