A letter I wrote
I’m sorry
For everything I have and haven’t done. I’m sorry. I really don’t mean for any of this to happen. I really wish that I could just go back to when you were happy. 0000, I’m so fucking sorry. All of this is my fault and I hate that. I just want to die. I hate this. I’ve been shaking and freaking out. Maybe she lied to me about me and she actually likes you. I think that's it. I’m not good enough for anyone. I’m sorry that I am here. I’m sorry I’m alive. I wish that wasn’t here too. I wish she picked you and not me. I’m sorry I messed everything up. I don’t care if you tell people how much you hate me. I don’t mind. You may say that you don’t hate me, but I would hate me. I wish I wasn’t here messing up your life. I wish I could just take back what I did but I can’t.
It’s my fault, I’m sorry. To be honest, if I could unfriend myself, I would. Trust me. You can block me, ignore me, do anything you want. I don’t mind.
I’m sorry that I’m alive
Maybe I shouldn’t be saying sorry. Maybe you aren’t that loyal friend that I thought you were. I’m not good enough but also I want to be asked for forgiveness. I’m always the one down on my knees begging for someone’s trust. Everyone takes me for granted. Everyone! Everyone thinks that they can tell me anything they want and they don’t think about how much it could hurt me. No one cares, why would they? I’m trying to be nice with this. I just want to be thought about like a person, not this shy, meek, trusting person I am. I have trust issues and yet, everyone takes me as this person who just trusts whoever whenever. I trusted you with so much and you’re using it against me too. I like this person. You do too. I don’t know what this is. I don’t want to mess it up. I get it. I am a terrible fucking friend. BUT I AM TRYING.
I want to be the person who people can go to for help but I don’t want to be so overwhelmed when people do. I can’t stop shaking and freaking out. I am using all of my might to not itch myself. Or go home and just lock myself in my room. I am being honest; I am done. I’ve tried. I’ve tried so hard and everyone just uses me. I just want to be okay. I want to look at myself and like what I see. But no. I can’t. When I think about it, all of my friends need to do better than I can. When other people come up to me and they ask “Yo, is what blah blah said, true?” Like, 11111. He said, “What 0000 is saying is crazy.” Are you really going around telling him this? I have only told one person. I trust that person. I am trying so hard to just hold it all in until I get home so I can cry myself to sleep. I don’t get it. I thought we were good friends. I really trusted you and I don’t get it. I think this is a sad/mad letter. I’m pissed off. Sure, you’re one of my best friends and I always want to be with you, this is hurting. I don’t know. It hurts. What the fuck. I’m hurt. I want to see what’s going on inside of my head and why it’s being so chaotic.
The names are numbers. Safety reasons. I need help.
Here's the conversation:
0000 Wrote:
Can I ask you something?
Me: ye :D
0000: alright im just gonna cut right to the point
whenever im hanging around with you and 33333
i ALWAYS feel like the third wheel
which i dont even know how that’s possible since she and i are dating
and another thing
you two are always talking and doing shit together
and now her and i almost never talk
and that just makes me beyond upset
Me: Y'all are dating?
0000: yeah???
i told you didnt i???
Me: No, you said that you just liked her and stuff.
Also, I'm sorry that you feel upset. But um.
33333 and I have been together since the 28th of February.
I thought she told you she didn't like you.
I'm going to talk to her
I'm sorry
I'm just fucking everything up all of the time.
I didn't know if she wanted to tell you. Like I thought she wanted to tell you herself
I'm sorry.
Fuck.
You can just leave me and shit. Like forget about me. I've fucked up everything
I'm sorry
000000: im not leaving you
im just extremely upset with the both of you
the fact that you two were together while me and her were together
i dont think i can forgive you for that
but i would like to try
Me: I'm sorry
I thought that she told you
I didn't want to tell you before she was ready
I don't want to fuck this up more than I already have
0000:she said to me once that she was losing interest in guys
but she wanted to give me a shot since i make her happy according to her
guess that shot is gone huh?
Me: I don't know
I'm sorry
I'll talk to her
I just
This is my first actual relationship and I don't wanna mess it up
0000: no no
i wanna talk to her
Me: Okay
Maybe you should do it in person
Over email won't bring the full effect
0000: well i dont know when we could in person
since we dont have classes together or lunch together today
ill just talk to her on discord i guess
if shes on or something
Me: okay
I'm sorry
0000: i know you are
Me: I really didn't mean for any of this to happen
0000: Mhm
Me: I get it if you're mad. I bet the birthday gift doesn't mean shit to anymore and I don't blame you. I'll keep my distance and stuff. I really get it. I'm sorry.
Maybe I'll see you in the next one
A.E.T.