40

I just turned 40 a few months ago. I wonder if it would feel different if I was a man. I was hoping that what I'd heard from older folks would be true and I wouldn't notice any difference. But I feel weird. 30 felt like yesterday and 25 was just last week. I swear it.

Is 40 still "middle aged"? But what is my middle age? I won't know what it had been until I die I guess.

It's weird to be 40 and still feel like I'm not really an adult. Calling myself a woman feels odd.

I'm married and have a career, but being a "woman" and no longer a "girl"? When did that happen? I still remember being a little kid and playing in the mud. I can feel the gritty, wet earth clumped between my toes.

My body is changing and time keeps moving forward. I am trying to accept and not hate it, but it is scary.

My husband still thinks I'm beautiful, but wonder will that change? I know it's my own insecurity and nothing he's said or done to make me worry. I can only do so much to stop the advancement of time on my skin. I moisturize now, and drink lots of water and wear sunblock inside. I take vitamins.

I used to eat fast food and not gain weight. I used to stay up until 2pm drinking with friends and go to work the next day to stare at a computer screen with blurry, hungover eyes. ....I guess not all the changes are bad. I feel pretty damned rested most days.

I have a strange mix of emotions of fear and excitement about what's next. Excited that good things keep coming, but a fear that they will stop. I know all this is normal. It helps to write it out.

I don't plan on playing into the midlife crisis and buying big dumb things or acting like a young fool. I am just secure enough to remain a rock in my family.

But it still feels weird.