i am sad

cw: death, rant, mentions of depression and suicide

i didn't want to shower today

i was too tired and emotionally exhausted and also edging back into depression and my family didn't understand and it was so horrible to just say "i don't want to" and "it's too hard" and "but i didn't do anything i just want to sleep" and they were like "it will take 5 minutes" "it's not like u have to go get your own water you have a shower" and "just do it riley".

i have spent the entire day thinking about how i can't write and i can't learn japanese and am fucking up uni and i was cheated on and i'm so afraid of men and sex now and my family is just falling apart at the seems bc my younger sisters are also on a pipeline for depression and my parents tell me to help them, to talk to them bc "it'll be easier" from me, and it will me, so i have to do it, but then also my mother had an affair and if she didn't she would actually be there for my sisters and me and i wouldn't have to be my own mother and my sister's make-shift mother

and then i shower and i am alone with my thoughts again

and then i come out of the shower and everyone just looks at me like wow wasn't that easy

and no no it was not

i was crying and i wanted to die except it is not easy to die in a bathroom with like nothing in it and that would be horrible for my sister to know and see and even if i said it was an accident (bc i could not kms i would only succeed in sending myself to the hospital) she would find out or at least suspect

and so i just put on my shirt and write here

but i am worried one of them will be like "that wasn't so hard" after they finish showering and i am going to want to leave and go away. but i can't bc we are in the middle of no where and they don't know, they don't understand

no one talks about how lonely depression is

but maybe it's not depression. i can't tell. i feel like since i've been diagnosed i've never been healed, i don't know if i was ever "normal" like ofc you are sad sometimes, but i feel like i want to die so often this likely isn't normal. i don't know.

but i am a happy person, just right now i am sad. so i am writing about being sad so i can be happy later. but right now i am so sad.