i go to the grocery store for orange juice and come out with cherry tomatoes.
we often wish for an afterlife because there is comfort in the thought of salvation, of being saved, of messing up our life in a completely different way. in being forgiven. we want to be a blank canvas again, 15 and stupid enough to commit crimes that will haunt us until we die. maybe we can forget them after we cross into the underworld.
the ultimatum of my existence
to make her happy, anything.
sometimes my writing feels apathetic and mechanical, all actions and no feeling, written to be written and not to tell a story and i want to chuck my computer into the desk or throw all my pens away and just scream
"i should accompany you," she said, holding her hand out. "will you let me?"
the other glanced toward hades, towards the land of no return.
"are you sure?"
the other placed a hand on her arm. "even if..."
"even so." she smiled to reassure the other. "especially so."
what if, at the end of the day, i am just my mother and her mistakes?
what if i cannot escape them? because i understand her and i know her and it's terrifying. it's horrifying, because i cannot escape the fate of being like her and i'm only praying that i'll pick up the good ones and never touch the negative ones.
perhaps i am delusional, but i thought-
it would be the two of us.
just in the end-
despite everything, and in spite of it all,
it would be you and me.
like i said,
...over the course of the second century, claims to sagehood (even if made in the form of denials) began to...
"the rise and decline of sagely writing in early china" by micheal puett
lovely how we can attest to being something in the event of denying it.
forgot storytelling is the absolute love of my life for a hot minute. my bad.
(as if anything else had ever made me feel this much)
i've run into this issue. twice now, and i despise it. majorly.
i like someone. but i don't, not really. i meet them, and i think they're cool, and then we hang out, and-
nothing. it's still kinda exciting talking to them, and they didn't do anything wrong,
the first time i was in a shoe store with them. and the air between us was just. rancid. there was such a lack of talking. like, we were talking, but also not at all. just "those are a nice colour" "yeah, i have the red ones already though". ugh. ugh. normally, even with just friends, i can talk about random things. whatever i want. it's fun.
it was not fun with them.
and i took a lil walk, a moment later, and i just felt really lost.
i was supposed to be excited to spend time with them, happy and nervous and
maybe that's what i get for picking a random crush because i want one? but it wasn't like i thought i was going to have this person's babies or some shit. i just wanted to get to know them, but the vibes were so bad, and then i went for a walk and my heart was so steady and bored and my head was swirling and decidedly dim.
so maybe it was just that person, right?
maybe. but a few days ago i went out with another one of these situations. a "you're pretty, interested in the same things as me, nice, we would be good together." i want to get to know you.
and it was just. kinda bad.
well, also, there was a girl i couldn't fuck with. she was so judgmental and bleh and she's dating one of my closer friends so i have to hang out with her but i really hate her. everyone loves her and i'm like. maybe it's a me issue but i don't think so.
so it was me, person of interest, and bleh girl. and maybe it was because bleh girl was there, or perhaps because she was only talking to person of interest really, and i hate third-wheeling friends, or maybe it was everything,
but i was walking down the aisle in the thrift store, eyes not really taking anything in, but walking slow enough to appear i was, and
bam. same feeling as the shoe store.
which like. weird. so it wasn't the first interest's vibes? it was...maybe me? i am the common denominator.
idk. maybe it's because i want romance and i go chasing for it with hot people, because it's easier to overlook incompatibility when they're pretty, and then i'm disappointed because i don't like them, i don't really like them more than just friends, and then i feel weird cause i've built it up to be this whole thing and it's not.
i don't know.
i don't think i'm in love with her anymore. actually, i know i'm not.
i think i just need to focus on writing. me, for a bit. and life can lead me.