Obnoxygen Overdose

He doesn't respect me. I guess I should have seen it, yet I'm still so conflicted. I have the tendency to fall pretty hard, as anyone who has followed me for a while knows about me. I just like people too much maybe? But, I've gotta stop blaming myself. I have to stop blaming myself, this isn't my fault. This is his. I have to say it. At least somewhere. Even if I don't hit publish. I have to say what I feel before it consumes me. I like the man for his morality. He has a very high moral compass, and I enjoy that. I don't feel like I am with a boy anymore. Not a boy, not in a creepy way (I'm also a very heavy consumer of YouTube content and the Colleen Ballinger child grooming Situation (and her stupid ass song) is deeply rooted in my head right now.) I like that I felt like I could've been with someone mature enough to handle the absolute emotional rollercoaster that I am on. I liked that I didn't feel alone. That's why we all fall, right? We just want to not be alone.

When I get down to it, I understand. In many ways, I really do understand. I think we both want the other to be what we envision. It's hard to love someone for who they are when you don't know them I guess. It's hard to know someone from so far and so quick. I do believe in love at first sight but in a sort of future-vision sort of way... You see the person and your whole life together feels mapped out and the thought of not springing on the moment will leave you with such a deep scar of regret for the rest of your life. I do want to have that, even though I feel like I've reached Tina Belcher status with how many men... boys I guess... I have felt it for. I still maintain that 87% off them weren't terrible. We just weren't compatible.

This is a lack of compatibility. He doesn't emote which is fine. I don't care because that's how I deal with people who don't emote. I have to "not care" which is my way of just accepting that's someone's boundary. I don't want to cross boundaries because I feel the need to know what is inside someone's head. However, with all the trust issues and anxiety within me, it's hard to not... think. And think. And think. Like I said, the man deals with me and my anxiety well, but I'm not sure what he thought was under the anxiety, you know? Just like I have no idea what's beneath the stoicism, I think the little bits of skin I have peeled back have not been expected.

I'm not disgustingly religious, but I am a Christian and have no shame. Well, I have like Catholic schoolboy who is thirteen and just starting to fight the thirty-year battle of the hormones shame. Pretty much everything in this world makes me feel embarrassed or ashamed because I just always feel that way. I don't know man. I've been awake since 5 and I'm just ranting. We may be on deliriousness. I'm not sure. Anyway, I'm not ashamed of my relationship with God and I know that between having a human on this earth for a blip in the cosmic timeline or aligning with the creator of the cosmic timeline... I mean come on, that's like choosing between a single ant and an elephant as a war animal. I don't know what that means. Don't judge me. I'm just saying, I enjoy my faith and enjoy sharing it with those that are comfortable with it, and am very open and respectful of people who are not receptive because why waste the good word on people not wanting to receive it? Plant the seed and move on. The Bible says that, go look.

I have not been feeling the fire recently because the world is a cold place. It has been really hard to feel much of anything aside from crippling anxiety, existential sadness, and genuine shittiness. So, it was a relief to feel the Holy Spirit moving again, even though it feels like quickening at this point (google the term, I'm not doing an anatomy lesson right now) instead of a raging flame like before. Okay, maybe not raging, but healthy. I know the embers don't necessarily end, but like, it's there and it's comforting to feel the heat after so long in the cold. So, I mentioned it. I have a rather, spiritually traumatic past I guess. There's no real way to explain, so I'm not gonna. Just use your imagination.

Ugh, the gross and nerve-wracking idea of sending this to him is hitting and I just wanted to get it all out before I hit the wall of "maybe I should say something" but I know me. I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't like being mean. But like, it feels like I pulled the blanket off of Michael Jackson's baby and it looked like Quasimodo to him. That's the best way I can put it. All my interests seem to be boring or humorous to him even though they're things I like and am passionate about. It feels like disclosing details about the relationships with people I love (family and friends) like stupid things we staid or like memories are always met with criticism.

Maybe I'm just being too hard but, I don't know. We broke up technically, but I can tell he's trying and that makes me feel even sadder and less able to just spit out that Jesus Christ man maybe I don't like you like I thought I did. And I'm really sorry. I have a vision for my life. Not a wife and two and a half kids type vision, but one that shows me that I will know exactly the right person and I will never doubt that they are right. It's probably delusional to think that I will never not once doubt someone given who I am, but I just... This ain't it man. I want it to be it, but it's not. Maybe it will be like he clearly hopes for. The small slip of emotions showed me something I wanted to try to make work but for now, I guess I just need to work up the courage to say I feel disrespected just about... 78% of the time I share things and I feel like I want to just remain silent. Maybe it's not worth my time to do that but hey. I just, this is the process I guess. But yeah, opened the bottle. Now gotta clean up the volcano of pop that got all over my floor.