Deadbeat
“Mommy! Mommy!” A small girl of about eight ran into her mother’s bedroom, limbs flailing wildly in the air.
The mother stirred slowly, groaning into her drool-soaked pillow.
“Shadow man?”
“Yes! He said he’s going to do all sorts of bad things to us!”
“Is he in the closet?”
“No! He’s on my bed!”
The mother let out an exasperated sigh. “Fuckin’ asshole.”
“Mommy! Don’t say that!”
“Not now, honey.”
The mother shoved her feet into stained fuzzy slippers, adjusted her bonnet, and sleepily shuffled into her daughter’s room, the child following cautiously behind.
“Hey. DICKWEED.”
A shadowy figure slithered from the foot of the young girl’s bed and formed a pool of black beneath the mother’s feet. It rose from the pool into a vaguely human form, looming over her petite frame. The mother stared into the void she assumed to be a face and raised a single eyebrow with impatience. A gravelly voice erupted from the figure.
“YOU DARE CHALLENGE ME, MORTAL? I AM DARKER THAN THE BLACKEST NIGHT, FILLED WITH SUCH DEPRAVITY THE DARK LORD SHUDDERS AT THE THOUGHT, I FEAST UPON YOUR FEAR A-”
“Shut it. I thought we discussed this already.”
“I MAKE NO DEALS WITH HUMANS. FOR I AM AN ANCIENT AND POWERFUL EVIL OF WHICH YOUR PITIFUL MIND COULD NEVER CONCEIVE-”
“Ugh. Even the spirit men are douchebags.”
“YOU WILL PAY FOR YOUR INSOLENCE-”
“Go ahead and get it out, big guy.”
“I WILL CONSUME YOUR SOULS-”
“Honey, what time is it?”
“RELISH IN YOUR SCREAMS-”
“3:15.”
“PLUCK THE BONES FROM YOUR WILTED FLESH-”
“Of course. Right on schedule. Did you finish your science project?”
“YOU WILL BEG FOR YOUR SAVIOR-”
“Yeah. I don’t think I can take it on the bus, though.”
“CHURN IN THE ETERNAL FIRE-”
“Do you want me to drop you off? Maybe get breakfast? I don’t have to be at the diner until nine.”
“RIPPED LIMB FROM LIMB BY CREATURES INCONCEIVABLE-”
“Ooh, yes! Can we go to McDougal’s?”
“BONES SPLINTERING IN THEIR CLAWS-”
“Whatever you want, baby girl.”
“AND YOU WILL CURSE YOUR FOOLISHNESS, WEEPING OVER THE DAY YOU CHOSE TO CHALLENGE ANSELOW, THE WRETCHED.”
“Are you done?”
“...YES. I SUPPOSE I AM.”
“Alright. Listen here. You gonna pay my mortgage?”
“WHAT IS A MORTGAG-”
“What about my lights?
“I PREFER TO MOVE IN THE SHADO-”
“Buying my food?”
“I FEAST UPON THE SOULS OF-”
“Yeah, okay, well I don’t. So if you’re gonna be in my house every night, messing with my kid and making me get out of bed, then you might as well contribute. You know how to work a washing machine?”
“I DON’T WEAR CLOTHES.”
“That’s a no. You got a job?”
“I WAS TOLD THE RAPTURE WAS COMING-”
“Also a no. Well, you aren’t feeding me, fucking me-
“THERE ARE RITUALS-”
-or paying my bills so you can go lurk in the closet of some rich asshole on the other side of town. Probably have more room anyway.”
“YOU DARE-”
“Shut up. I work two jobs. Sun-up to sundown. I’ve been in here every night for a month to deal with your ass. My kid is failing because of you. Enough is enough. I’m over it. You’re a good for nothing-”
”HOLD ON-”
“Bum ass demon-”
“UNCALLED FOR-”
“If I wanted to deal with a deadbeat, I’d tell my ex to move back in.”
“I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS-”
“Then go haunt somebody else’s damn house! I got enough problems. Can’t afford a priest and I’m not spending my food stamps on fuckin’ sage.”
“YOU WILL DIE ALONE-”
“Yeah, whatever. Don’t let the door hit ya where the Dark Lord split ya. Go on. Get. Before I have to Old Yeller your ass with the family Bible.”
The shadowy, faceless figure stood still for a moment, as if it were peering down at the irritated mother. Suddenly, the mass dropped to the floor, slid across the hardwood, and slipped out through the tight spaces of the daughter’s bedroom window. The air in the room lightened and the little girl rushed to catch her mother in a tight embrace. The mother ran her hand through her daughter’s hair and leaned down to kiss her on the top of the head.
The daughter released her embrace and looked up at her mother inquisitively.
“Mom. What’s a deadbeat?”
“What now?”
“A deadbeat. You called Dad that.”
“Oh. You know what, sweetie? It’s late. We’ll talk about that some other time. Go ahead and get back in bed. We’ve gotta get up extra early if you want to get McDougal’s.”