Rambles.

I have parts of my life I do not like to think about. Regularly I suppress the dark memories that lurk within my brain. Time after time my past sweeps my legs out from under me. My body goes limp as I hit the ground. Within seconds my body is overwhelmed with thick dark roots covered in flesh piercing thorns. Every moment, without hesitation the roots rip tighter into my body. A thick, heaviness inflates my lungs. “Scream,” I think. “Someone will hear us crying out. Someone will see the pain swarming in my eyes. Just one person…” No one comes. No one listens. No one looks me in the eyes. Afraid that if they looked deep enough they would see every once of pain my body endures every day. So, everyone just walks around me. Carrying on with their lives. Acting as though they cannot see or recognize the pain within me. As though I never existed.

The self destructive clouds rumble. When lightning strikes all hell breaks loose. It is coming and I cannot stop it. It rips through my core, breaking down all of my defenses, killing everything without mercy. Empty. All of the darkest parts of me start to spread like wildfire. There is no cure, no aid, no assistance. Just pain, suffering and sorrow. Self hatred carves out my body, leaving an empty shell. Long ago I lost the innocent child I was. She is gone, buried in all of the selfishness in people’s words and burdened by suffocation. Suffocation I only carry for myself. Crushed by the cruelty of the world around her and the hate within. Constantly taking a shovel, I search. I search for her. Relentlessly, the demons wreak havoc in my brain, pulling me back to reality. She cannot be brought back. I lost her the day I shook hands with my tormentors.

Each day is a battle and most days I lose...

No longer am I a child. No longer innocent, and ignorant. By definition I am a teenager. Submerged in a life that I do not want. The bitterness of my demons is spreading like poison. It has been killing me everyday for as long as I have been alive. Sixteen years. People’s hatred, bitterness, and selfishness broke me. Broken into millions, and each day I lose hundreds of them at a time. People cannot see that I am constantly chipped, crumbling to dust, yet I do not want them to. Many, many people would say to me, “Stop being an attention seeker,” “Stop it! You always act like the victim,” “You, just shut up! No one cares,” “Stop being so emotional!” “I wish you weren’t so sad all the time…” “Yeah...me too…” That has only ever been my response.

Lost. Broken. Trapped. I am just me. Just trying to get through the day. Just trying to survive the week. Just trying to live the month. Most days my body is so weak from exhaustion that I do not feel like getting out of bed. “How are you feeling?” “Tired…” The amount of times I have said that word is a lot more than I would like. Overrun with sadness, focusing has become a challenge. There is no escape. From the torment at my own home to the overwhelming workload at school. It controls my life, like a dog bound at the neck with a collar. To bend at the will of its master, for it not having a choice but to fall to its knees. No longer is there a space for fresh air and a calm state of mind. It simply does not exist.

Currently there is a lot going on in my life. I have problems, but I know I am not the only one. It just adds to my load. Most days, it feels as though I am standing on a rope with weights and a sandbag hung over my shoulders. Tilt a little too far one way or the other and I fall into the depths. I cannot control when it happens or the period of time it takes to get through it. It just seems endless.