Don’t Knock

"Don't knock, please don't knock" I pray almost silently as I hear the noises outside. The sounds could be distant voices or maybe just animals or ... the wind? I'm deluding myself, I know that, but it's better than the other option which is that they are here for me. My heart clenches in my chest as the ugliest thoughts enter my head, I hope that it's one of my neighbors... No, I can't hope that, I can't wish that on anyone. I stay frozen in place, even as every muscle instinctively strains to run. Running only makes it worse, I know that but only my brain believes. The sounds are unmistakable now, heavy rhythmic footsteps not far outside my door. I pray again, now clenching my hands together. This time without shame I ask favors of a god I barely believe in and possibly despise. "Please be here for her" I beg thinking of my neighbor to the left, a bitter old woman without a redeeming feature. Everyone else I'm fond of, especially Lina across the way. The footsteps pause, and I hear voices clearly now and then the dreaded knock. My whole body seizes at how close the sound is, but I realize. My door didn't rattle, it's not me, I sink to the floor as my tension eases. Thanking the heavens I cry in relief at the close call. Then I hear the unmistakable wails of children and Lina telling them to be good for their father while her voice cracks in despair. The footsteps retreat but the cries do not and I stumble to my bed and cover my face as I crazily laugh/cry. I am disgusted with myself, I'm so happy to be safe it overwhelms my sadness over my friend and I hate myself for it. Especially since I know I'm the one they really wanted.