self worship is a rabbit hole of self deception

I'm a good person

I'm a strong person

I deserve to have things that I want

I want to be loved and respected

because I am a good strong person.

Good strong people forgive everything

Good strong people are patient

Good strong people love unconditionally

Good strong people need to be uncomfortable all the time

Good strong people get what they want

Kindness is a hallmark of a good strong person

only good kind strong people deserve love

good thing that's what I am

Kindness and forgiveness require setting aside your feelings

setting aside your feelings is a form of strength

strength is the most important thing a man can have

anger is toxic and does not contribute to success

anger is a false strength

set aside your anger to be strong

do not be angry, good people are not angry

let it all go and allow yourself to float and forgive

I do not exist and nothing that happens to me matters

let it all go and become strong against the lies of the ego

don't believe that what you feel has anything to do with truth

believe in nothing and become successful within yourself

I'm doing great at this, just need to keep it up for 40 more years

I need to ignore what other people are saying about how I look

I need to keep bearing this and ignore myself

I am too important to worry about other people's opinions

I need to back up and stick with every decision I make

to change my mind would be weak and cowardly

I deserved to be hurt and humiliated

I deserve to maintain this situation

I cannot let anybody down

because I am strong and if I let someone down

it would make me weak

I do not need to rely on anything but myself

I am allowed to do whatever I want

I can hurt people and it doesn't matter because nothing matters

I can drink and steal and lie and if I believe it is okay then it is okay

I am not wrong for continuing to ignore the reality

I am strong for putting my hands in hot oil

I am strong for being okay with everything

I am allowed to chase down every desire, because it serves me well.

There is no I, only experience

there is no experience, only feeling

there is no feeling, only existence

there is no existence, only truth

there is no truth, only observation

I was woefully confused.