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Kill! Kill! Kill! Die! Die! Die!
I just read an article about a man who booby-trapped cardboard boxes on his doorstep because porch pirates had been stealing his deliveries for months. He had a few interesting contraptions, but the first plan was to offer his cat's ripe litter box holdings to the next thief, which worked fine, but then the discarded box was found by a neighbor and returned to him. Not cool. Come up with some brilliant booby-traps, and let's see who gets the most "likes" for creativity and description. Multiple ideas are fine. Add, if you want, possible failures and fail-safes. How are you going to teach these thieves a lesson? Paint a picture of your porch if necessary; and an extra challenge for Sushishi, Sadhill, and PrettyScaries: try to keep them alive... you know... at least for a little while.
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dctezcan
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Don’t mess with my bacon

The Amazon app is on my home screen, I use it that much. Easy ordering, easy, free, returns. What’s not to like? I can order at 9am and my inflatable party sheep and tatoo removal laser are on my doorstep when I get home.

Right!

That’s how it should work, but in reality, there’s a 95% chance that Bonnie and Clyde will have taken off with the day’s deals before I even leave work.

Obviously, that’s not their real names. Their real names are Dick and Wad. Hahaha. I knock myself out. I don’t know what they call themselves. I did, however, install a knock off Slomin’s door camera so I do know the lurchers are a woman and a man. Not generally together unless it’s a particularly heavy box day like when I ordered a 55-gallon bucket of lube.

Yeah, I said what I said. Mind your business.

Anyway, I installed the camera when they took off with my order of bacon bandages, bacon lip balm and dehydrated water. Enough is enough. Don’t mess with my bacon! And the dehydrated water would have been great on my hunting trip next month.

I found the Slomin knock off at Dollar General on Highway 52, set it up in less than half an hour, connected it to my phone and ordered some coyote urine for Nitwit and Lamebrain. I also ordered a Yip Smart Tag which I requested be activated with the tracking software accessible by Apple Find My immediately.

Order placed, I kept my phone on loud so I wouldn’t miss any notifications. The package was delivered at 3:00pm. I turned on the camera app and waited. Not twenty minutes later. Halfwit showed up and grabbed the box. I turned on Apple Find My, told my boss I had to deal with a personal matter and left.

By the time I got to the police department, I had a location. I told my story and they went to have a little chat with Yogi and Booboo. I followed though not too close since they had told me to go home and wait to hear from them.

The location was a blue bungalow with a double stack of empty boxes at the curb. Checking the boxes, they must have seen one with my information because after checking them out they went straight to the door, guns drawn. They rang the bell, but from my car, I saw Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb trying to escape out the back and across their neighbor’s yard. Not on my watch. I made a U-turn and went to head them off at the corner. When I saw them about to run across the street, I made the left turn. Oops! My bad.

I grabbed some rope and duct tape, jumped out of the truck and trussed them up like a prize buck and his doe.

The cops gave me a ticket for reckless driving but I’m gonna fight it.

Good news is my second order of bacon bandages and bacon lip balm arrived today and were on my porch when I got home.

Bad news is they were sold out of dehydrated water.

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