Love at First Sight? Only with Babies and Donuts

The idea that love at first sight can happen lacks perspective. What kind of love are we talking about? Some loves are absolutely instantaneous. Finding out you're going to be a parent creates an immediate love for that new little life. Being largely visual creatures, that love is further cemented the second we see our newborn child. I also feel that my love for donuts is instantaneous. Show me a chocolate donut with sprinkles, and I am head over heels besotted.

Now, if you're talking about romantic love, I think love at first sight is the excrement of Hallmark Movies. In fact, I think the notion of love at first sight often begets doomed relationships.

Hoping to experience love at first sight is problematic because having an attractive appearance is a poor barometer of character, personality, and compatibility with someone. For example, a guy may be hung like a blue whale, have the body of a god, but is gifted with the intelligence of a sea cucumber. Also, appearance alone will not reveal a person's emotional or psychological stability. For example, A nicely dressed, charming, and handsome gent may seem nice at first, but his appearance and mannerisms will not reveal that the guy has a chest freezer in his garage stuffed with severed heads.

The powerful biochemical reaction created when someone sees a person they perceive as attractive is also confused for love at first sight. For example, in the case of a lady, seeing an attractive person may result in her becoming a bit moist in the knickers. For gents, seeing an attractive person may trigger a physiological response that appears as if the fellow has spontaneously sprouted a package of Rolos in the front of his pants. These physiological responses to attraction shouldn't be translated as love. It is an evolutionary adaptation that insures the continuation of the species by instilling both male and female with a need for sex and the desire to copulate with an aesthetically pleasing partner. In layman's terms, they're horny.

The belief in romantic love at first sight can also doom a relationship that likely wouldn't have happened if the couple got to truly know each other.

Please consider the following example of Sara and Tony and their fall into the love at first sight delusion.

Sara meets Tony at the grocery store while shopping for organic, ethically sourced, vegan, grown in worm abuse free soil, carrots that are harvested with biodegradable tools by the last hippie commune.. Sara sees Tony groping the honeydew in the produce section and immediately finds herself in need of fresh panties. Glancing up, Tony notices how Sara's yoga pants accentuate all of his favorite parts and little Tony salutes its approval. So, after a brief introduction by the celery they agree to meet for coffee.

The coffee date goes well. Tony and Sara have "Sooooo much in common!" He likes air. She likes air too. He likes YouTube videos of puppies. Guess what! She likes puppy videos too! It's like fate led them both to that grocery store's produce section. It wasn't the fact that as human beings Tony and Sara need to eat to survive and the grocery store where they met just happens to sell food. It also wasn't the fact that the grocery store happens to be the nearest store to where both Tony and Sara live. Nope. If you asked Tony and Sara they'd tell you it is fate and love at first sight that brought them together.

At the end of the second date, Tony subtly lets it be known that wants to take Sara to his place, peel off her yoga pants with his teeth, and fuck her until their bed rocking shows up as a small seismic event on a nearby Richter Scale. Guess what? She wants this too! I know, right! So the relationship is off to a great start.

After few more dates and small seismic events, Sara takes Tony to meet her family. Well, things go well until Sara notices that Tony is looking at her sister, Ashley with the same look he had right before they ruined his sheets. Glancing down, Sara notices that little Tony is at attention as big Tony sits raptly listening to her sister talk about how she found out which "Friends" character she is by taking an online survey and she's happy to be Rachel and all, but she doesn't like Ross because he puts off a creepy, cartoon giraffe vibe. Surprisingly, Sara manages to keep her cool until after dinner and the car ride home.

During the drive home, Sara confronts Tony about him eye fucking her sister, Ashley. To Tony's credit, he admits he found Sara's sister attractive. To his discredit, he asks Sara if she and Ashley ever thought about a threesome because he'd like to be the salami in that sister sandwich. And with that Sara's berates herself mumbling, "I can't believe I fucked him." Meanwhile Tony, being a little more optimistic thinks, "I wonder if its too soon to ask Sara for Ashley's number?"

So, Sara and Tony fell into the love at first sight trap. A wiser Tony and Sara would have recognized their feelings. In truth, what Tony and Sara felt was the reciprocal desire to fuck the other person until they both walk funny. This is all well and good, but it may not be the best foundation to build a relationship on.

All joking aside, real love is hard. Taking two individuals with their own unique perspectives, flaws and quirks and throwing them together is the ultimate sink or swim scenario. The couple aren't going to agree all the time and there will be times they don't like each other much. You also throw each other's families (or in my case genetic train wreck) into the mix. Inevitably, the two people will have to decide the fate of the relationship. In fact, this is likely going to happen more than once.

A couple can quit, walk away, and take care of the flotsam and jetsam of the relationship through lawyers later. This can be the best case scenario especially if there is abuse, addiction, or infidelity involved. Sadly, some things can't be fixed.

The other option is one of the hardest things a human can do. To save a relationship, both parties must set aside the preconceived notions, old resentments, insecurities and mistakes the other person made. Then standing there unencumbered of all the relationship bullshit we pile on ourselves, look at the other person. The questions that come to mind are going to be hard to answer. You will ask if you can imagine existing without the other person and how that feels. You will get honest and realize that a lot of what irritates you about the other person is really them being human and you being a jerk about it. You will question your role in the situation and realize that you are part of the problem. You will take an inventory of how you've changed each other and if those changes feel good and have the changes allowed you to be a better person not just for your partner. but also for yourself. Finally, you will ask yourself if this is the person you want at your bedside when your life's light flickers. The answers are intimate, individual, and sometimes not what you are hoping they'd be. However, that is love. It's not instantaneous, it isn't always candlelight and rose petal trails to the bedroom, and you will get angry sometimes. Real love is hard, frightening, heartbreaking, but always worthwhile work. Love at first sight is just lazy and things built with minimal effort are doomed to break.