What Would I do with Money

* This was my response to this week's challenge. I was just too weak and sick to post it in time. Thank You for the challenge! *

Everything you have inspired me to write in absolutely true. I have always wanted to become a "real" writer. Since childhood 'til now, I have shared my writing ideas with my mom. The good mommy (yes, I am 32 and still call her mommy...mummzies when being playful and affectionate) that she is, always had positive responses and encouragement. But at at this point, the idea of my writing is just sad. I begin dozens and dozens of works. Nothing gets published, nor wins competitions because nothing gets finished. I can only pray that I can be free and healthy enough to complete this. I have so little time to write and usually when I finally do, I'm so unhealthy and stressed that I can't focus. But I keep restarting to avoid giving up on my dreams. Or at least my hobby. If I ever got lots of money, I would help others with their writing dreams because I believe thoroughly in "paying it forward". I would create fun/creative challenges with monetary prizes on this site because I know how entertaining and encouragingly helpful it has been for my depression and dreams.

I want so badly to write something beautiful. Meaningful. World altering to society. Life changing for mummzies and me. If not through my book(s), then at least from money. I mention just the two of us because it's just the two of us left. That's why we are so depressed. Parents and grandparents, even my beloved sister who passed suddenly at just 30years young, and her little 10year old son-all dead. So it's just the two of us, alone, without any friends. They went away because: "Too often you're too down. It's a downer". "Y'all never have going out money". "Y'all go to sleep too early". Anyways, since 15years old, I've been a workaholic and have supported my disabled mom up until two years ago when my life went from bad to worse because I became permanently sick and disabled as well, only I still have yet to be approved for any kind of government benefits! I went from providing for my mom to moving in with her along with my several pets and being unable to help myself. Money can't fix everything but even a little would help a lot! My having plenty of money would change and save the lives of so many! I'll explain that in a minute. But if we had a small amount of money, at least for a while I will have a way to provide for some of our needs that we don't have: routine pet care and pet things, household needs, gas money, bill money, car upkeep, fresh food, medications and good doctors, etc. Mommy always made sure that those depending on her had everything they need and far, far more! She always made sure that her kids had new clothes while she wore out the same clothes over and over for decades, literally, stuff that was so played out she was sick of seeing it, stuff she didnt like, stuff that hurts, things that don't fit. It hurts my heart to know this and makes me want to throw a fit. She's had the same couch and love seat...same mattress...ALL the same home furniture as a matter of fact. Nothing has been updated in over 30 years. I would love to change that! If we ever got "The Big Money", as we've always called it, I would have us see the best doctors so we can be healthy and go back to working hard again! We have always dreamt that we would create an Animal Rescue and Retirement Farm. I could go on for hours about how we would hire the best staff and be the most insanely awesome employers. We would live on the farm and drive the company car because our money would be best spent helping others rather than making huge purchases we don't need. I would save and change animal and human lives through charities of all kinds. This would be inbetween smaller daily acts of kindness. That is what would make us most happy.

I want everything that our hearts break for so that my mom can stop crying daily about "ruining the lives" of my sister and I by "not having more money, and a house to pass down to us, and more security". I want to cry when she cries that she's "worthless" for working "dead end jobs, for minimum wages, that help noone and make no differences in the world". Even put with the government assistance she can hardly pay her bills which are just rent, car insurance, and $10 to ASPCA. Like I said, we have no frivolities. Each day, she cries, apologizes and complains as her heart breaks and she says that we will never "get ahead", "have enough", or "anything extra". We will never have fun like others: no traveling and vacations, never eating out (big dinners, small carryout, or even a little fast food here 'n there), no easily having money for the rare day trip. No presents on the holidays. I hate that we must depend on whatever food is provided from food banks instead of being able to just buy or make whatever my mom craves, especially with her diabetic dietary needs.The food they give us is very much appreciated it's just rotten that we have to pick around what is already too damaged, will spoil soon, and is turning rotten.

Mummzies thinks that she has always held me back from moving out of state, traveling, going to a different college, being with friends and family more, saving money, and doing so many other things. If we had lots of money, so many waves of doubts could be washed away.

I really always thought that by this age, I would be giving my mom the option of when and where to work and retire. Her having kids, especially one as sickly as me who lived more in the hospital than at home, definitely held her back, regardless of what she says! It is long overdue for me to repay all that she has done for us but I cannot. I am sick to death of us being sick with no help. I'm tired as hell of us being tired as hell and having to work anyways. I hate that she hates going to work to be a cashier and comes home with stories of: the daily customers that are verbally abusive. Coming home in terrible pain from head to toe to soul and quiet: exhausted from having to talk all day. If we had money, I would work on our mental, physical, and spiritual health. I would be less worried and stressed about my mummzies having (and possibly dying from) another stress induced heart attack like the three she's already had recently after my sister's passing. I can't live without her and I never want to have to try. I want to take away our stress. The ones caused from the worry of losing. Losing our pets. Losing our house. Losing our car. Losing even our teeth! We are required to have healthy smiles dental insurance, which of course is a help, but in order to have any kind of dental services, we must pay our deductible percentage...which we cannot afford. So, we live in America and cannot get dental help. Recently, my mom's tooth broke and no decent out of the dozens we asked, would help us. The tooth became so abscessed that she almost died from the infection spreading to her brain. She ended up in the hospital having major surgery resulting in over 20stitches in her face and head and was put in medically induced coma. She got pneumonia from the breathing tubes and had to remain in the hospital for weeks. She lost her job. The whole ordeal could've been avoided if we had money for routine cleanings and fillings. Poor mummzies has daily panic attacks from that traumatic experience and says "I can't go through that ever again! I never want to see my daughter go through something so deadly, so scary, and painful. Removing a tooth costs hundreds and we both need teeth removed! It's going to happen again to one or both of us and I'm such a useless mother for not being able to help us! I'm so sorry sweetie. I'm so sorry" she manages between racking sobs as she

rocks back n' forth. Crying, with her hands covering her face. I panic about this too and feel exactly the same. Only I hold in my stress and dismay. I can't cry because I always get a migraine. "You have to stop holding all your emotions in! It's not good for your high blood pressure. That's why you're only thirty and going gray!" She'll always say. I think if we had money, even if earned by me, she can stop having meltdowns and saying her usual apologies of "you girls deserved a mother with money and that can offer security and financial assurances. I can't even afford to help die by having life insurance."

I understand her worries and insecurities. But, I'm always so very exhausted of the repetition. I stay patient but want to yell "we've already been through this! A few times today even! Yesterday afternoon. Each day of the year too! Your kids both love you. The most that anyone possibly can and we would never, never want a different mommy. Neither would any of the pets. We wouldn't want a diff. Mom, nor fam; for any amount of money" I've said in a dozen, hundred different ways. I hate the repetition, but again, I stay patient because I hate more that a mother, my mummzies, can live in America, in Maryland, and feel this way. Every....single....saddening day. "There will never be money for dentures, implants, or even whitening to hide my yellow coffee stains. I'll always be fat from stress, being depressed, and affording only food that's processed. I have nothing nice. Nothing but my kids to show for my life. My daughter's will never be proud of me. Only ashamed."

If only I had "the big money". I could take away those worries and answer the constant hard questions. Persistent worries like "How...what will I eat when I have no teeth? I'm already so limited from the diet from diabetes! I'm not yet even 60! Will you be embarrassed of me?" At night, or when depressed and asleep in the afternoon, I watch my mom sleep...looking so peaceful...finally! Until she suddenly jumps up, crying from stress induced nightmares. She flaps her oversized nightshirt, trying to dry the dripping sweat and stumbles over to sit in front of the fan by the bed, to sit and try to fight off another panic attack. I know that there's not much help I can give, so I too get up and go over to sit and wait for it to pass. I understand because I often struggle with night terrors, sleep paralysis, and freak outs from stress. We both go through our days feeling like we've gotten no rest. I can see the lack of it on her face. I can see it in the bags under her eyes. The thoughts that she didn't give her daughter enough before she died. That she's still not giving the one she has left enough before she's dead. Id love to clear all these horrible thoughts off our chests.

If I had money it'd be so lovely....for SO....SO MANY. I want to be the answer to all of her questions instead of feeling so very lost. And not just ours! I want to be filthy rich so I can be the solution to other people and animals problems. Like "where will I get food from next? Before I become weak, shakey, and the hunger pains begin." " Where will I sleep safely tonight?" "How can I make sure that my children aren't ashamed of their parent?" "How can I make my dreams....my kids'....my parents'....my familys' dreams...or simple wishes and needs at least, become realities?" "How can I make sure we've lived a safe, happy life?" "How can I keep us alive?"