It was close to being

In heaven

Kind of woman that'll haunt you

Would you stay if she promised you heaven?

Time cast a spell on you...you won't forget me...

I know I could've loved you but you would not let me....

With a love that the winged

Angels of heaven

They coveted you and me

And you say... "I never thought you could

never could make it. we can never be"

you must not remember

you must have forgot

all we had,

we had no other thought

Than to love and be loved by me

We loved with a love

That was more than a love

Oh who is the beauty... who the beast

Would you die of grieving when I leave?

And I'll never leave.

Now here you go again

You say you want your freedom

Well, who am I to keep you?

And all your happy-ever-afters...

They didn't mean a thing

So I'm not gonna try at all

Soon you will be gone

Take your violet and blue mornings with you

I won't say it. won't ask you to stay.

Stay with me, stay

I won't say

I need you to love me, I need you today

But I’m hurting, darling

Do you understand

I’m hurting

darling

I wonder how many more hours

my heart will feel broken

In secret I say I need to see him

But no words are spoken

It's hard to think about what you've wanted

It's hard to think about what you've lost

In the stillness of remembering what you had...

And what you lost...

And what you had...

And what you lost

won't say

I need you darling

Yeah, I need you darling

Yes, I want you

love me

I want you

love me

He's a bad boy 'cause he doesn't even miss me

He's a bad boy for breaking my heart

I need you darling

take me to the start

now I'm all alone

and I'm back

Back to the gypsy that I was

To the gypsy... that I was

but I'll never be who I was

never be who I was again

if you ever want me back

just you try and catch me if you can

wish it didn't turn out this way

will you too....always remember our days?

A love is love and not fade away

Not fade away

I remember it all

Love was everywhere

You just had to fall

I want to free fall out into nothing

I want to leave this world for a while

you almost killed me with your lies

so tired of unburying the past

of our love that's dead. that's gone.

you were wicked

there's no more peace where the resting lies

Maybe the reason I say these things

Is to bring you back alive

Maybe I fought this long...

this hard

Just to make sure you survive

Just to make sure you survive

at least your memory will survive

You in the moonlight

With your sleepy eyes

Did you ever love a woman like me?

And you were right

When I walked into your house

I knew I'd never want to leave

that's when I fell

because sometimes

You just fall from grace

Sometimes

You just fall from grace

Been down one time

Been down two times

I'm never going back again

but sometimes you really just can't help it

when the landslide brings you down

the landslide will bring you down

when there's just no help for it

but to fall from grace

and worse...they won't let you help them help you to save face

heart aching...bleeding crystal tears

And the woman may be awestruck

And the woman may truly care

But the woman is so tired...

So the woman disappears...

not fade away

never fade

away

shes fought hard all these years

just to get through another day

never coming back again

shes free fallin

your gypsy

your beautiful beautiful beast

Shes just a beautiful person

With beautiful problems, yeah

Beautiful problems, God knows shes got them

But she's gotta try

Every day and night

but the woman is so tired

shes fought hard all these years

so the woman disappears.

Knockout Kalyn's kinda kissing Kyle. Kisses Kane. Kissed Keith.

Kickass Kai kicks Kangaroos. Kangaroos kick kabocha-squash.

Kooky Karl kept Killing Kindergartner Kids...kidnapps Komodo-Dragons...kidnapped

King-Cobras.

Kitty Kiki kneads ..knuckles ...kosher Kifli-flatbread-croissants.

Kooikerhondje-dogs kibble knife kibbles.

Kendal knits keltic kilts

Kinda Krazy Kaleidoscopic Kun (means day in Uzbek)

* This was my response to this week's challenge. I was just too weak and sick to post it in time. Thank You for the challenge! *

Everything you have inspired me to write in absolutely true. I have always wanted to become a "real" writer. Since childhood 'til now, I have shared my writing ideas with my mom. The good mommy (yes, I am 32 and still call her mommy...mummzies when being playful and affectionate) that she is, always had positive responses and encouragement. But at at this point, the idea of my writing is just sad. I begin dozens and dozens of works. Nothing gets published, nor wins competitions because nothing gets finished. I can only pray that I can be free and healthy enough to complete this. I have so little time to write and usually when I finally do, I'm so unhealthy and stressed that I can't focus. But I keep restarting to avoid giving up on my dreams. Or at least my hobby. If I ever got lots of money, I would help others with their writing dreams because I believe thoroughly in "paying it forward". I would create fun/creative challenges with monetary prizes on this site because I know how entertaining and encouragingly helpful it has been for my depression and dreams.

I want so badly to write something beautiful. Meaningful. World altering to society. Life changing for mummzies and me. If not through my book(s), then at least from money. I mention just the two of us because it's just the two of us left. That's why we are so depressed. Parents and grandparents, even my beloved sister who passed suddenly at just 30years young, and her little 10year old son-all dead. So it's just the two of us, alone, without any friends. They went away because: "Too often you're too down. It's a downer". "Y'all never have going out money". "Y'all go to sleep too early". Anyways, since 15years old, I've been a workaholic and have supported my disabled mom up until two years ago when my life went from bad to worse because I became permanently sick and disabled as well, only I still have yet to be approved for any kind of government benefits! I went from providing for my mom to moving in with her along with my several pets and being unable to help myself. Money can't fix everything but even a little would help a lot! My having plenty of money would change and save the lives of so many! I'll explain that in a minute. But if we had a small amount of money, at least for a while I will have a way to provide for some of our needs that we don't have: routine pet care and pet things, household needs, gas money, bill money, car upkeep, fresh food, medications and good doctors, etc. Mommy always made sure that those depending on her had everything they need and far, far more! She always made sure that her kids had new clothes while she wore out the same clothes over and over for decades, literally, stuff that was so played out she was sick of seeing it, stuff she didnt like, stuff that hurts, things that don't fit. It hurts my heart to know this and makes me want to throw a fit. She's had the same couch and love seat...same mattress...ALL the same home furniture as a matter of fact. Nothing has been updated in over 30 years. I would love to change that! If we ever got "The Big Money", as we've always called it, I would have us see the best doctors so we can be healthy and go back to working hard again! We have always dreamt that we would create an Animal Rescue and Retirement Farm. I could go on for hours about how we would hire the best staff and be the most insanely awesome employers. We would live on the farm and drive the company car because our money would be best spent helping others rather than making huge purchases we don't need. I would save and change animal and human lives through charities of all kinds. This would be inbetween smaller daily acts of kindness. That is what would make us most happy.

I want everything that our hearts break for so that my mom can stop crying daily about "ruining the lives" of my sister and I by "not having more money, and a house to pass down to us, and more security". I want to cry when she cries that she's "worthless" for working "dead end jobs, for minimum wages, that help noone and make no differences in the world". Even put with the government assistance she can hardly pay her bills which are just rent, car insurance, and $10 to ASPCA. Like I said, we have no frivolities. Each day, she cries, apologizes and complains as her heart breaks and she says that we will never "get ahead", "have enough", or "anything extra". We will never have fun like others: no traveling and vacations, never eating out (big dinners, small carryout, or even a little fast food here 'n there), no easily having money for the rare day trip. No presents on the holidays. I hate that we must depend on whatever food is provided from food banks instead of being able to just buy or make whatever my mom craves, especially with her diabetic dietary needs.The food they give us is very much appreciated it's just rotten that we have to pick around what is already too damaged, will spoil soon, and is turning rotten.

Mummzies thinks that she has always held me back from moving out of state, traveling, going to a different college, being with friends and family more, saving money, and doing so many other things. If we had lots of money, so many waves of doubts could be washed away.

I really always thought that by this age, I would be giving my mom the option of when and where to work and retire. Her having kids, especially one as sickly as me who lived more in the hospital than at home, definitely held her back, regardless of what she says! It is long overdue for me to repay all that she has done for us but I cannot. I am sick to death of us being sick with no help. I'm tired as hell of us being tired as hell and having to work anyways. I hate that she hates going to work to be a cashier and comes home with stories of: the daily customers that are verbally abusive. Coming home in terrible pain from head to toe to soul and quiet: exhausted from having to talk all day. If we had money, I would work on our mental, physical, and spiritual health. I would be less worried and stressed about my mummzies having (and possibly dying from) another stress induced heart attack like the three she's already had recently after my sister's passing. I can't live without her and I never want to have to try. I want to take away our stress. The ones caused from the worry of losing. Losing our pets. Losing our house. Losing our car. Losing even our teeth! We are required to have healthy smiles dental insurance, which of course is a help, but in order to have any kind of dental services, we must pay our deductible percentage...which we cannot afford. So, we live in America and cannot get dental help. Recently, my mom's tooth broke and no decent out of the dozens we asked, would help us. The tooth became so abscessed that she almost died from the infection spreading to her brain. She ended up in the hospital having major surgery resulting in over 20stitches in her face and head and was put in medically induced coma. She got pneumonia from the breathing tubes and had to remain in the hospital for weeks. She lost her job. The whole ordeal could've been avoided if we had money for routine cleanings and fillings. Poor mummzies has daily panic attacks from that traumatic experience and says "I can't go through that ever again! I never want to see my daughter go through something so deadly, so scary, and painful. Removing a tooth costs hundreds and we both need teeth removed! It's going to happen again to one or both of us and I'm such a useless mother for not being able to help us! I'm so sorry sweetie. I'm so sorry" she manages between racking sobs as she

rocks back n' forth. Crying, with her hands covering her face. I panic about this too and feel exactly the same. Only I hold in my stress and dismay. I can't cry because I always get a migraine. "You have to stop holding all your emotions in! It's not good for your high blood pressure. That's why you're only thirty and going gray!" She'll always say. I think if we had money, even if earned by me, she can stop having meltdowns and saying her usual apologies of "you girls deserved a mother with money and that can offer security and financial assurances. I can't even afford to help die by having life insurance."

I understand her worries and insecurities. But, I'm always so very exhausted of the repetition. I stay patient but want to yell "we've already been through this! A few times today even! Yesterday afternoon. Each day of the year too! Your kids both love you. The most that anyone possibly can and we would never, never want a different mommy. Neither would any of the pets. We wouldn't want a diff. Mom, nor fam; for any amount of money" I've said in a dozen, hundred different ways. I hate the repetition, but again, I stay patient because I hate more that a mother, my mummzies, can live in America, in Maryland, and feel this way. Every....single....saddening day. "There will never be money for dentures, implants, or even whitening to hide my yellow coffee stains. I'll always be fat from stress, being depressed, and affording only food that's processed. I have nothing nice. Nothing but my kids to show for my life. My daughter's will never be proud of me. Only ashamed."

If only I had "the big money". I could take away those worries and answer the constant hard questions. Persistent worries like "How...what will I eat when I have no teeth? I'm already so limited from the diet from diabetes! I'm not yet even 60! Will you be embarrassed of me?" At night, or when depressed and asleep in the afternoon, I watch my mom sleep...looking so peaceful...finally! Until she suddenly jumps up, crying from stress induced nightmares. She flaps her oversized nightshirt, trying to dry the dripping sweat and stumbles over to sit in front of the fan by the bed, to sit and try to fight off another panic attack. I know that there's not much help I can give, so I too get up and go over to sit and wait for it to pass. I understand because I often struggle with night terrors, sleep paralysis, and freak outs from stress. We both go through our days feeling like we've gotten no rest. I can see the lack of it on her face. I can see it in the bags under her eyes. The thoughts that she didn't give her daughter enough before she died. That she's still not giving the one she has left enough before she's dead. Id love to clear all these horrible thoughts off our chests.

If I had money it'd be so lovely....for SO....SO MANY. I want to be the answer to all of her questions instead of feeling so very lost. And not just ours! I want to be filthy rich so I can be the solution to other people and animals problems. Like "where will I get food from next? Before I become weak, shakey, and the hunger pains begin." " Where will I sleep safely tonight?" "How can I make sure that my children aren't ashamed of their parent?" "How can I make my dreams....my kids'....my parents'....my familys' dreams...or simple wishes and needs at least, become realities?" "How can I make sure we've lived a safe, happy life?" "How can I keep us alive?"

1. Earth turns slowly once

Speeds in space make seasons

change

Ant on big planet

2. Short days...less warm sun

Must prepare for snow to rain

Won't live to see it

3. We work for loved ones

Marching through danger and pain

Hard work for our kids

4. Work!!!! It's never done

For our fam. And queen to reign!

Losing will to live.

5. Made it to warm months!

Colony maintained domain

Even though I died.

Epilogue:

Ant life sometimes sucks

Live...work...die....but not in vain

In hearts....I survive

***Epilogue is like a p.s. note...a bonus....it is aNOT part of the 5 sections!***

This is more of a rhymey story than a poem ...

All who "know me know me", know where to find me when I am free. By my favorite swan lake where upon my fluffy white quilt I lay. Under the shade of my favorite Willow tree. During colder days with more of a breeze I cozy up under my lace sheer sheet. Sometimes I bring along a full set of bone china for a sip of chamomile tea. And no matter the weather lazing about by the lake and the tree under the Sun or the shade exposed or under my lace I always bring along a favorite book to cuddle up with and read and read and read. This slow relaxing place is the beauty of how I spend the freedom part of my days. Mostly I tried to hide in these books and the lake and the strolling pace. I hide from my unpleasant past, my turmoilous (I do think I just made that word up), brokenhearted, failed love and hold back from dropping any more cries for my dried up tears had gone at last! Then one day I was laying out on my quilt under the protection of the feathery branches protecting me not from the Sun which was indeed out to play, but rather from a sporadic drizzle that glittered and shimmered, like tiny diamonds falling in slow motion the sun's rays. A late afternoon heat lightning flashed between the clouds as if playing games of Hide and seek or peekaboo with each other. Sometimes crackling above or in front of the few gray clouds above the lake and sometimes behind and under. Sounds of nature was all that could be heard, the breeze tickling through leaves, a splash on the lake, the call of a bird, no stressful man-made noise or other. Then suddenly I looked up from my book when I heard a growing grumble coming closer rolling onto my back to face the path I saw with open mouth for my past driving right into my present, as the sexiest all black 57 Chevy came rolling in like thunder. It was my ex, The collector. The gatherer of cars, money and of clothes; of accessories like expensive watches gold necklaces and diamonds; and gold and diamond and money loving arm candy. Some of his new girl "friends" were looking for the goods,& some for a good time. Sadly, he had gave me the whole of his heart ....so for those looking for at least a piece...a sliver of his heart.....there were no pieces left to give....not any.

I had loved him before all the money and the ...stuff. We loved to travel and enjoy nature, kiss, cuddle, and just soak in each other's presence.. until suddenly while still in love, I wouldn't change to fit into his new life....I couldn't keep up, one day I woke up and wasn't enough. He was in love but wanted too much. He became a secretive, he began to change, always being nice; sweet and caring with words, but his actions were heartbreaking and were what really hurt. He wasn't the man I had loved, suddenly we were like fire and ice. I played with ice and got frost-burnt. I felt played, so I left; I only get shamed once. But the loss ....it was his loss....but I lost a lot too. And finally I felt found....feet on the ground....I just recently became unlost. But now he had got out of his car, popped the collar of his torn leather jacket, and a strange relief and fear washed through me as I caught a glimpse of the man I once knew. The handsome, fearless, rugged, laid back amazing lover, who could flip your world upside down (mostly in his four post bed, which I had named "the pillars of heaven."). I felt like I had just fell through The Looking Glass, to the time before he had became all "brand-new",& again he was my outdoorsy, funny, down to earth, poet who could turn your world back to right side down with his gentle, heartfelt, poetic words. And here he was, walking straight for me; his eyes saw through me, his slight grin said he could hear my pounding heart, I felt like running, like hiding under my lace sheets and tell him to go away.... and as he left I'd tell myself: "it was all a dream.... it was all a dream....it was all a dream.... no matter how real it seemed." "How did he find me"? I now think, as I sit up to lean against the safety of my tree. The tree! Yes of course! ... This had once been our place, no wonder it was my favorite lake, my favorite tree, that I've treated like a pet and have talked to as though a particular kind of alive. It's the one he had carved our names and sweet sentiments into with his sexy, manly pocket knife. One of his accouterments of being my "big man", along with a flask, his lighter and cigarettes, and his wallet where he kept his most prized possession, more than all his money he told me: a picture of me.... the first gift I gave him. The picture of me, a sexy young thang in love....with a lipstick kiss on the back, where he wrote "the love of my life". On the path he came ever more near, and in my head i can't stop repeating "why is he here?! The nerve of the man! He must have balls of steel!" And suddenly standing above me, he asks to lay by my side for a bit of chatting. Unreadable his manner cool, but his thoughts and mood hard to tell. I acted kind, I hope I seemed fine, when I really felt faint and the butterflies trapped in my stomach, flapped wildly like a bat out of hell. His smile was just as it once was he sighed and let all his emotions spill out together, how he was acting like someone he wasn't. He had missed and always thought of our time together. ... and while I was listening to his whispered words ( he always did have a husky, soft-spoken tone of voice), like the boat on the lake's shore, I was sure, and so happy, I could float like the small gray clouds above and had to work to stay tethered. I could just float away on the waves of emotions passing through me. Then he took my hand and a heat lightning-like electricity past between us, he slid a diamond ring on my thin finger and it glittered in the sun. He begged me never to take it off because without me...with anyone else, he had felt so alone... and had learned that for him, I really am the only one. More words were said by him- heartfelt apologies, promises of commitment and of love, while a wild thunder like a sports car rumbled above us, and some sounded much like the crack of his old gun. A fat rain drop who's ancestors I recently met as a drizzle, somehow had penetrated the leafy barrier and fell on my cheek. He quickly brushed it away with his thumb, and asked if I was mad and if he had made me cry. "No" I had told him..."my broken heart had healed and the tears had dried". To be honest, I was so damn happy and he was so damn open and honest, sweet, and sexy I could have died. I leaned in for a kiss and simply whispered "yes". He smiled so big, looked around and saw no one in the area, so he rolled us up in the quilt like a sleeping bag, cuddled up in our cacoon of love: of electricity, dried tears, new promises, of leather, and lace....but mostly refound love...completely protected from the rain falling down from above . Now that he asked for my hand, I won't let him get away again, this is this sweet, handsome devils last chance!

O in each other's presence.. until suddenly while still in love, I wouldn't change to fit into his new life....I couldn't keep up, one day I woke up and wasn't enough. He was in love but wanted too much. He became a secretive, he began to change, always being nice; sweet and caring with words, but his actions were heartbreaking and were what really hurt. He wasn't the man I had loved, suddenly we were like fire and ice. I played with ice and got frost-burnt. I felt played, so I left; I only get shamed once. But the loss ....it was his loss....but I lost a lot too. And finally I felt found....feet on the ground....I just recently became unlost. But now he had got out of his car, popped the collar of his torn leather jacket, and a strange relief and fear washed through me as I caught a glimpse of the man I once knew. The handsome, fearless, rugged, laid back amazing lover, who could flip your world upside down (mostly in his four post bed, which I had named "the pillars of heaven."). I felt like I had just fell through The Looking Glass, to the time before he had became all "brand-new",& again he was my outdoorsy, funny, down to earth, poet who could turn your world back to right side down with his gentle, heartfelt, poetic words. And here he was, walking straight for me; his eyes saw through me, his slight grin said he could hear my pounding heart, I felt like running, like hiding under my lace sheets and tell him to go away.... and as he left I'd tell myself: "it was all a dream.... it was all a dream....it was all a dream.... no matter how real it seemed." "How did he find me"? I now think, as I sit up to lean against the safety of my tree. The tree! Yes of course! ... This had once been our place, no wonder it was my favorite lake, my favorite tree, that I've treated like a pet and have talked to as though a particular kind of alive. It's the one he had carved our names and sweet sentiments into with his sexy, manly pocket knife. One of his accouterments of being my "big man", along with a flask, his lighter and cigarettes, and his wallet where he kept his most prized possession, more than all his money he told me: a picture of me.... the first gift I gave him. The picture of me, a sexy young thang in love....with a lipstick kiss on the back, where he wrote "the love of my life". On the path he came ever more near, and in my head i can't stop repeating "why is he here?! The nerve of the man! He must have balls of steel!" And suddenly standing above me, he asks to lay by my side for a bit of chatting. Unreadable his manner cool, but his thoughts and mood hard to tell. I acted kind, I hope I seemed fine, when I really felt faint and the butterflies trapped in my stomach, flapped wildly like a bat out of hell. His smile was just as it once was he sighed and let all his emotions spill out together, how he was acting like someone he wasn't. He had missed and always thought of our time together. ... and while I was listening to his whispered words ( he always did have a husky, soft-spoken tone of voice), like the boat on the lake's shore, I was sure, and so happy, I could float like the small gray clouds above and had to work to stay tethered. I could just float away on the waves of emotions passing through me. Then he took my hand and a heat lightning-like electricity past between us, he slid a diamond ring on my thin finger and it glittered in the sun. He begged me never to take it off because without me...with anyone else, he had felt so alone... and had learned that for him, I really am the only one. More words were said by him- heartfelt apologies, promises of commitment and of love, while a wild thunder like a sports car rumbled above us, and some sounded much like the crack of his old gun. A fat rain drop who's ancestors I recently met as a drizzle, somehow had penetrated the leafy barrier and fell on my cheek. He quickly brushed it away with his thumb, and asked if I was mad and if he had made me cry. "No" I had told him..."my broken heart had healed and the tears had dried". To be honest, I was so damn happy and he was so damn open and honest, sweet, and sexy I could have died. I leaned in for a kiss and simply whispered "yes". He smiled so big, looked around and saw no one in the area, so he rolled us up in the quilt like a sleeping bag, cuddled up in our cacoon of love...leather, and lace, completely protected from the rain falling down from above . Now that he asked for my hand, I won't let him get away again, this is this sweet, handsome devils last chance!

You’re an exciting site to see….like the vision of walking into a surprise birthday party with everyone’s eyes on you….everyone clapping. Balloons and streamers decorating every wall.

Your love is like the special feeling of knowing that everyone showed up for you but could be anywhere else in the world....doing anything else there is to do in the world.

You sure know how to make a person feel special. You make a person feel worthless when you leave. Like absolutely nothing special to no one when you left me. You were the decoration to my life. The pearls on the icing on my favorite cake. The decoration to my life….the canvas of my existence. Just a painter waiting for your every desire so I can paint into reality any of your needs. All your wants. Ready to command to your life all and any ...with no questions....your insistence. You're exciting like seeing the ocean for the very first time. How vast, deep, ever changing is she. Simply exhilarating. Sharp as a bolt of lightening, soft as a summer breeze. Your voice sends me shivers, your laugh makes me weak, your cries bring me to my knees….if only I could at least hear you scream. If only you were here...I'd take anything...your love, your hate. I'd love for you to run to me...to throw your arms around my neck and solve all our problems....to fix and forget our past with a passionate kiss. Shit, Id take you back in any form....wouldn't turn you away if you ran at me yelling and cursing passionate insults was the way you used those delicious lips. At least Id have you back as mine....break my heart dead... Make it flatline.

You make a heart fly like diving from a mountain top. Free falling and enjoying every second. No thought of the ground until you reached it….i reached it….and fell even further. Like a meteor crashing deep into the earth. Alone without you....stuck in a hole of depression one could climb out of never....that is until you come back again....like you always do to make things better.

A scrape is the description for any and every pain felt throughout an entire lifetime if put together, compared to the excruciation of losing you. A moments boredom is the sum of sorrow compiled throughout a lifetime when placed beside the depression of you having gone. At first... knowing I would be able to see you was like a snow day away from school. But now...If only I could see you again would be to get a second ticket to live. Another chance at life that was so suddenly ended when you left…. The ability to get up…to finally!! Once more run again… far far away from one’s death bed. To have you forever would be heaven….my heaven at least. I had hoped it would be yours as well. I can still taste your milk & honey smell. The feel of your skin gliding past mine. Our love was divine...something will I never again find.

The sheets on the bed lightly clothing, yet sliding away to the floor. Our bodies connected to the core. In the morning ....I loved to stare and take in it ALL. Like the cute...uniquely your own...constellation on your arm. The way the sun shone through the window and played lines across your beautiful face. I declare that this is what the angels must paint. This must be what god dreams of. Everything.... I was always feeling....this is the definition of love.

Ohhhh but how a person can turn to black and fall apart.

If only you would once more walk through that door. The candle lights dance to your name. Without your love...The plants dry out and go insane.

The photos on the wall stare down the empty halls. They watch each other…each reminding the other of happier times. Memories lost in each other. Before you lost me and I left my mind.....no....I didn't say that right.....will anything ever be alright when nothing's going right?

Each noise echoes without your background sounds to fill the empty spaces. I see you in all places....your features on all the faces.

Stars twinkle without meaning. They no longer hold the history of the false stories that you gave them. No more than hollow lighted gems. You left me to solve all your caused problems.

People….o the vast population, the sky of faces, the sea of clouds. Nothing make sense in a world where down is up and the past is now. How to turn back the running feet of time to hold your hands again? One more day I would spend….and when we fall asleep at the nights end…away you would go….and I would continue to sleep…to dream….to create a reason for you to stay with me. I could live an eternity in a false reality….happily. How I wouldn’t mind to be a fly on your wall…in fact I would stay and never fly away. ….you can walk all over me. I would remain….but on your carpet as a stain. Putting back a life with missing pieces will never be the same….will never be a work of art….could never be framed. Its not worth a damn. Neither is freedom to the insane. One gets used to seclusion. Comfortable in being alone….satisfied dwelling within a memory….being outside and calling it home….running back to whenest we come. But I don't think I can be like that....can't get use to anything when all I want is nothing else but the past or a future with you back. Like a parched lizard in the miserable desert I am sucked dry…no longer can my eyes cry. Physical pain has taken over….actual suffering has begun. How much longer must I hear the sound of a clock? Are you getting closer with every tick? Or further with every tock? How you did crave me once….need me, obsess over me, lust for me….truly love me….only to suddenly not. This house of stone is molten rock, melting and shifting, flowing and burning away. Soon I will be completely exposed. Unsheltered, unclothed, unable…incapable…unloved and all alone….consisting of nothing but fear and self loath. Why wasn’t I enough? How much am I worth? Oh the cost of emotion given everything by the beggar only to be cheated and left with less than when come. I stay here only from fear for I know not what is after death. Such hell I should suffer now in agony awaiting the day you will come to me. But should I die and be rebirthed…the harder to find you between the spaces and parallels of universes. Should I die and go to heaven might be pleasant for I can float above, sweeping above the earth. I would guide and guard you, watch and admire you, adore and love you from afar. At least then I could see you. Watch you grow. No longer stuck on repeat would the memories continue to rerun along the ribbons of tape in my mind. If there was only a machine that could turn back time. I stay here to not admit to defeat….not to come to terms with you giving up on us….still hopeful that prayer and time might bring you back to our love….never facing that you have left me.

You’re an exciting site to see….like the vision of walking into a surprise birthday party with everyone’s eyes on you….everyone clapping. Balloons and streamers decorating every wall.

Your love is like the special feeling of knowing that everyone showed up for you but could be anywhere else in the world....doing anything else there is to do in the world.

You sure know how to make a person feel special. You make a person feel worthless when you leave. Like absolutely nothing special to no one when you left me. You were the decoration to my life. The pearls on the icing on my favorite cake. The decoration to my life….the canvas of my existence. Just a painter waiting for your every desire so I can paint into reality any of your needs. All your wants. Ready to command to your life all and any ...with no questions....your insistants. Your exciting like seeing the ocean for the very first time. How vast, deep, ever changing is she. Simply exhilarating. Sharp as a bolt of lightening, soft as a summer breeze. Your voice sends me shivers, your laugh makes me weak, your cries bring me to my knees….if only I could hear you scream. You make a heart fly like diving from a mountain top. Free falling and enjoying every second. No thought of the ground until you reached it….i reached it….and fell even further. A scrape is the description for any and every pain felt throughout an entire lifetime put together compared to the excruciation of losing you. A moments boredom is the sum of sorrow compiled throughout a lifetime when placed beside the depression of you having gone. Knowing I would be able to see you was like a snow day away from school. If only I could see you again would be to get a second ticket to live. Another chance at life that was so suddenly ended when you left…. The ability to get up…to run…away from one’s death bed. To have you forever would be heaven….my heaven at least. I had hoped it would be yours as well. I can still taste your milk & honey smell. The feel of your skin gliding past mine. The sheets on the bed lightly clothing, yet sliding away to the floor. The way the sun shone through the window and played lines across your beautiful face. I declare that this is what the angels must paint. This must be what god dreams of. How a person can turn to black and fall apart. If only you would walk through that door. The candle lights dance to your name. The photos on the wall stare down the empty halls. They watch each other…each reminding the other of happier times. Memories lost in each other. Each noise echoes without your background sounds to fill the empty spaces. Stars twinkle without meaning. They no longer hold the history of the false stories that you gave them. No more than hollow lighted gems. People….o the vast population, the sky of faces, the sea of clouds. Nothing make sense in a world where down is up and the past is now. How to turn back the running feet of time to hold your hands again? One more day I would spend….and when we fall asleep at the nights end…away you would go….and I would continue to sleep…to dream….to create a reason for you to stay with me. I could live an eternity in a false reality….happily. How I wouldn’t mind to be a fly on your wall…in fact I would stay and never fly away. ….you can walk all over me. I would remain….but on your carpet as a stain. Putting back a life with missing pieces will never be the same….will never be a work of art….could never be framed. Its not worth a damn. Neither is freedom to the insane. One gets used to seclusion. Comfortable in being alone….satisfied dwelling within a memory….being outside and calling it home….running back to whenest we come. Like a parched lizard in the miserable desert I am sucked dry…no longer can my eyes cry. Physical pain has taken over….actual suffering has begun. How much longer must I hear the sound of a clock? Are you getting closer with every tick? Or further with every tock? How you did crave me once….need me, obsess over me, lust for me….truly love me….only to suddenly not. This house of stone is molten rock, melting and shifting, flowing and burning away. Soon I will be completely exposed. Unsheltered, unclothed, unable…incapable…unloved and all alone….consisting of nothing but fear and self loath. Why wasn’t I enough? How much am I worth? Oh the cost of emotion given everything by the beggar only to be cheated and left with less than when come. I stay here only from fear for I know not what is after death. Such hell I should suffer now in agony awaiting the day you will come to me. But should I die and be rebirthed…the harder to find you between the spaces and parallels of universes. Should I die and go to heaven might be pleasant for I can float above, sweeping above the earth. I would guide and guard you, watch and admire you, adore and love you from afar. At least then I could see you. Watch you grow. No longer stuck on repeat would the memories continue to rerun along the ribbons of tape in my mind. If there was only a machine that could turn back time. I stay here to not admit to defeat….not to come to terms with you giving up on us….still hopeful that prayer and time might bring you back to our love….never facing that you have left me.Balloons and streamers decorating every wall. You sure know how to make a person feel special. You make a person feel worthless when you leave. You were the decoration to my life. The pearls on the icing on my favorite cake. The decoration to my life….the canvas of my existence. Your exciting like seeing the ocean for the very first time. How vast, deep, ever changing is she. Simply exhilarating. Sharp as a bolt of lightening, soft as a summer breeze. Your voice sends me shivers, your laugh makes me weak, your cries bring me to my knees….if only I could hear you scream. You make a heart fly like diving from a mountain top. Free falling and enjoying every second. No thought of the ground until you reached it….i reached it….and fell even further. A scrape is the description for any and every pain felt throughout an entire lifetime put together compared to the excruciation of losing you. A moments boredom is the sum of sorrow compiled throughout a lifetime when placed beside the depression of you having gone. Knowing I would be able to see you was like a snow day away from school. If only I could see you again would be to get a second ticket to live. Another chance at life that was so suddenly ended when you left…. The ability to get up…to run…away from one’s death bed. To have you forever would be heaven….my heaven at least. I had hoped it would be yours as well. I can still taste your milk & honey smell. The feel of your skin gliding past mine. The sheets on the bed lightly clothing, yet sliding away to the floor. The way the sun shone through the window and played lines across your beautiful face. I declare that this is what the angels must paint. This must be what god dreams of. How a person can turn to black and fall apart. If only you would walk through that door. The candle lights dance to your name. The photos on the wall stare down the empty halls. They watch each other…each reminding the other of happier times. Memories lost in each other. Each noise echoes without your background sounds to fill the empty spaces. Stars twinkle without meaning. They no longer hold the history of the false stories that you gave them. No more than hollow lighted gems. People….o the vast population, the sky of faces, the sea of clouds. Nothing make sense in a world where down is up and the past is now. How to turn back the running feet of time to hold your hands again? One more day I would spend….and when we fall asleep at the nights end…away you would go….and I would continue to sleep…to dream….to create a reason for you to stay with me. I could live an eternity in a false reality….happily. How I wouldn’t mind to be a fly on your wall…in fact I would stay and never fly away. ….you can walk all over me. I would remain….but on your carpet as a stain. Putting back a life with missing pieces will never be the same….will never be a work of art….could never be framed. Its not worth a damn. Neither is freedom to the insane. One gets used to seclusion. Comfortable in being alone….satisfied dwelling within a memory….being outside and calling it home….running back to whenest we come. Like a parched lizard in the miserable desert I am sucked dry…no longer can my eyes cry. Physical pain has taken over….actual suffering has begun. How much longer must I hear the sound of a clock? Are you getting closer with every tick? Or further with every tock? How you did crave me once….need me, obsess over me, lust for me….truly love me….only to suddenly not. This house of stone is molten rock, melting and shifting, flowing and burning away. Soon I will be completely exposed. Unsheltered, unclothed, unable…incapable…unloved and all alone….consisting of nothing but fear and self loath. Why wasn’t I enough? How much am I worth? Oh the cost of emotion given everything by the beggar only to be cheated and left with less than when come. I stay here only from fear for I know not what is after death. Such hell I should suffer now in agony awaiting the day you will come to me. But should I die and be rebirthed…the harder to find you between the spaces and parallels of universes. Should I die and go to heaven might be pleasant for I can float above, sweeping above the earth. I would guide and guard you, watch and admire you, adore and love you from afar. At least then I could see you. Watch you grow. No longer stuck on repeat would the memories continue to rerun along the ribbons of tape in my mind. If there was only a machine that could turn back time. I stay here to not admit to defeat….not to come to terms with you giving up on us….still hopeful that prayer and time might bring you back to our love….never facing that you have left me.

You’re an exciting site to see….like the vision of walking into a surprise birthday party with everyone’s eyes on you….everyone clapping. Balloons and streamers decorating every wall. You sure know how to make a person feel special. You make a person feel worthless when you leave. You were the decoration to my life. The pearls on the icing on my favorite cake. The decoration to my life….the canvas of my existence. Your exciting like seeing the ocean for the very first time. How vast, deep, ever changing is she. Simply exhilarating. Sharp as a bolt of lightening, soft as a summer breeze. Your voice sends me shivers, your laugh makes me weak, your cries bring me to my knees….if only I could hear you scream. You make a heart fly like diving from a mountain top. Free falling and enjoying every second. No thought of the ground until you reached it….i reached it….and fell even further. A scrape is the description for any and every pain felt throughout an entire lifetime put together compared to the excruciation of losing you. A moments boredom is the sum of sorrow compiled throughout a lifetime when placed beside the depression of you having gone. Knowing I would be able to see you was like a snow day away from school. If only I could see you again would be to get a second ticket to live. Another chance at life that was so suddenly ended when you left…. The ability to get up…to run…away from one’s death bed. To have you forever would be heaven….my heaven at least. I had hoped it would be yours as well. I can still taste your milk & honey smell. The feel of your skin gliding past mine. The sheets on the bed lightly clothing, yet sliding away to the floor. The way the sun shone through the window and played lines across your beautiful face. I declare that this is what the angels must paint. This must be what god dreams of. How a person can turn to black and fall apart. If only you would walk through that door. The candle lights dance to your name. The photos on the wall stare down the empty halls. They watch each other…each reminding the other of happier times. Memories lost in each other. Each noise echoes without your background sounds to fill the empty spaces. Stars twinkle without meaning. They no longer hold the history of the false stories that you gave them. No more than hollow lighted gems. People….o the vast population, the sky of faces, the sea of clouds. Nothing make sense in a world where down is up and the past is now. How to turn back the running feet of time to hold your hands again? One more day I would spend….and when we fall asleep at the nights end…away you would go….and I would continue to sleep…to dream….to create a reason for you to stay with me. I could live an eternity in a false reality….happily. How I wouldn’t mind to be a fly on your wall…in fact I would stay and never fly away. ….you can walk all over me. I would remain….but on your carpet as a stain. Putting back a life with missing pieces will never be the same….will never be a work of art….could never be framed. Its not worth a damn. Neither is freedom to the insane. One gets used to seclusion. Comfortable in being alone….satisfied dwelling within a memory….being outside and calling it home….running back to whenest we come. Like a parched lizard in the miserable desert I am sucked dry…no longer can my eyes cry. Physical pain has taken over….actual suffering has begun. How much longer must I hear the sound of a clock? Are you getting closer with every tick? Or further with every tock? How you did crave me once….need me, obsess over me, lust for me….truly love me….only to suddenly not. This house of stone is molten rock, melting and shifting, flowing and burning away. Soon I will be completely exposed. Unsheltered, unclothed, unable…incapable…unloved and all alone….consisting of nothing but fear and self loath. Why wasn’t I enough? How much am I worth? Oh the cost of emotion given everything by the beggar only to be cheated and left with less than when come. I stay here only from fear for I know not what is after death. Such hell I should suffer now in agony awaiting the day you will come to me. But should I die and be rebirthed…the harder to find you between the spaces and parallels of universes. Should I die and go to heaven might be pleasant for I can float above, sweeping above the earth. I would guide and guard you, watch and admire you, adore and love you from afar. At least then I could see you. Watch you grow. No longer stuck on repeat would the memories continue to rerun along the ribbons of tape in my mind. If there was only a machine that could turn back time. I stay here to not admit to defeat….not to come to terms with you giving up on us….still hopeful that prayer and time might bring you back to our love….never facing that you have left me.Balloons and streamers decorating every wall. You sure know how to make a person feel special. You make a person feel worthless when you leave. You were the decoration to my life. The pearls on the icing on my favorite cake. The decoration to my life….the canvas of my existence. Your exciting like seeing the ocean for the very first time. How vast, deep, ever changing is she. Simply exhilarating. Sharp as a bolt of lightening, soft as a summer breeze. Your voice sends me shivers, your laugh makes me weak, your cries bring me to my knees….if only I could hear you scream. You make a heart fly like diving from a mountain top. Free falling and enjoying every second. No thought of the ground until you reached it….i reached it….and fell even further. A scrape is the description for any and every pain felt throughout an entire lifetime put together compared to the excruciation of losing you. A moments boredom is the sum of sorrow compiled throughout a lifetime when placed beside the depression of you having gone. Knowing I would be able to see you was like a snow day away from school. If only I could see you again would be to get a second ticket to live. Another chance at life that was so suddenly ended when you left…. The ability to get up…to run…away from one’s death bed. To have you forever would be heaven….my heaven at least. I had hoped it would be yours as well. I can still taste your milk & honey smell. The feel of your skin gliding past mine. The sheets on the bed lightly clothing, yet sliding away to the floor. The way the sun shone through the window and played lines across your beautiful face. I declare that this is what the angels must paint. This must be what god dreams of. How a person can turn to black and fall apart. If only you would walk through that door. The candle lights dance to your name. The photos on the wall stare down the empty halls. They watch each other…each reminding the other of happier times. Memories lost in each other. Each noise echoes without your background sounds to fill the empty spaces. Stars twinkle without meaning. They no longer hold the history of the false stories that you gave them. No more than hollow lighted gems. People….o the vast population, the sky of faces, the sea of clouds. Nothing make sense in a world where down is up and the past is now. How to turn back the running feet of time to hold your hands again? One more day I would spend….and when we fall asleep at the nights end…away you would go….and I would continue to sleep…to dream….to create a reason for you to stay with me. I could live an eternity in a false reality….happily. How I wouldn’t mind to be a fly on your wall…in fact I would stay and never fly away. ….you can walk all over me. I would remain….but on your carpet as a stain. Putting back a life with missing pieces will never be the same….will never be a work of art….could never be framed. Its not worth a damn. Neither is freedom to the insane. One gets used to seclusion. Comfortable in being alone….satisfied dwelling within a memory….being outside and calling it home….running back to whenest we come. Like a parched lizard in the miserable desert I am sucked dry…no longer can my eyes cry. Physical pain has taken over….actual suffering has begun. How much longer must I hear the sound of a clock? Are you getting closer with every tick? Or further with every tock? How you did crave me once….need me, obsess over me, lust for me….truly love me….only to suddenly not. This house of stone is molten rock, melting and shifting, flowing and burning away. Soon I will be completely exposed. Unsheltered, unclothed, unable…incapable…unloved and all alone….consisting of nothing but fear and self loath. Why wasn’t I enough? How much am I worth? Oh the cost of emotion given everything by the beggar only to be cheated and left with less than when come. I stay here only from fear for I know not what is after death. Such hell I should suffer now in agony awaiting the day you will come to me. But should I die and be rebirthed…the harder to find you between the spaces and parallels of universes. Should I die and go to heaven might be pleasant for I can float above, sweeping above the earth. I would guide and guard you, watch and admire you, adore and love you from afar. At least then I could see you. Watch you grow. No longer stuck on repeat would the memories continue to rerun along the ribbons of tape in my mind. If there was only a machine that could turn back time. I stay here to not admit to defeat….not to come to terms with you giving up on us….still hopeful that prayer and time might bring you back to our love….never facing that you have left me.

Balloons and streamers decorating every wall. You sure know how to make a person feel special. You make a person feel worthless when you leave. You were the decoration to my life. The pearls on the icing on my favorite cake. The decoration to my life….the canvas of my existence. Your exciting like seeing the ocean for the very first time. How vast, deep, ever changing is she. Simply exhilarating. Sharp as a bolt of lightening, soft as a summer breeze. Your voice sends me shivers, your laugh makes me weak, your cries bring me to my knees….if only I could hear you scream. You make a heart fly like diving from a mountain top. Free falling and enjoying every second. No thought of the ground until you reached it….i reached it….and fell even further. A scrape is the description for any and every pain felt throughout an entire lifetime put together compared to the excruciation of losing you. A moments boredom is the sum of sorrow compiled throughout a lifetime when placed beside the depression of you having gone. Knowing I would be able to see you was like a snow day away from school. If only I could see you again would be to get a second ticket to live. Another chance at life that was so suddenly ended when you left…. The ability to get up…to run…away from one’s death bed. To have you forever would be heaven….my heaven at least. I had hoped it would be yours as well. I can still taste your milk & honey smell. The feel of your skin gliding past mine. The sheets on the bed lightly clothing, yet sliding away to the floor. The way the sun shone through the window and played lines across your beautiful face. I declare that this is what the angels must paint. This must be what god dreams of. How a person can turn to black and fall apart. If only you would walk through that door. The candle lights dance to your name. The photos on the wall stare down the empty halls. They watch each other…each reminding the other of happier times. Memories lost in each other. Each noise echoes without your background sounds to fill the empty spaces. Stars twinkle without meaning. They no longer hold the history of the false stories that you gave them. No more than hollow lighted gems. People….o the vast population, the sky of faces, the sea of clouds. Nothing make sense in a world where down is up and the past is now. How to turn back the running feet of time to hold your hands again? One more day I would spend….and when we fall asleep at the nights end…away you would go….and I would continue to sleep…to dream….to create a reason for you to stay with me. I could live an eternity in a false reality….happily. How I wouldn’t mind to be a fly on your wall…in fact I would stay and never fly away. ….you can walk all over me. I would remain….but on your carpet as a stain. Putting back a life with missing pieces will never be the same….will never be a work of art….could never be framed. Its not worth a damn. Neither is freedom to the insane. One gets used to seclusion. Comfortable in being alone….satisfied dwelling within a memory….being outside and calling it home….running back to whenest we come. Like a parched lizard in the miserable desert I am sucked dry…no longer can my eyes cry. Physical pain has taken over….actual suffering has begun. How much longer must I hear the sound of a clock? Are you getting closer with every tick? Or further with every tock? How you did crave me once….need me, obsess over me, lust for me….truly love me….only to suddenly not. This house of stone is molten rock, melting and shifting, flowing and burning away. Soon I will be completely exposed. Unsheltered, unclothed, unable…incapable…unloved and all alone….consisting of nothing but fear and self loath. Why wasn’t I enough? How much am I worth? Oh the cost of emotion given everything by the beggar only to be cheated and left with less than when come. I stay here only from fear for I know not what is after death. Such hell I should suffer now in agony awaiting the day you will come to me. But should I die and be rebirthed…the harder to find you between the spaces and parallels of universes. Should I die and go to heaven might be pleasant for I can float above, sweeping above the earth. I would guide and guard you, watch and admire you, adore and love you from afar. At least then I could see you. Watch you grow. No longer stuck on repeat would the memories continue to rerun along the ribbons of tape in my mind. If there was only a machine that could turn back time. I stay here to not admit to defeat….not to come to terms with you giving up on us….still hopeful that prayer and time might bring you back to our love….never facing that you have left me.Balloons and streamers decorating every wall. You sure know how to make a person feel special. You make a person feel worthless when you leave. You were the decoration to my life. The pearls on the icing on my favorite cake. The decoration to my life….the canvas of my existence. Your exciting like seeing the ocean for the very first time. How vast, deep, ever changing is she. Simply exhilarating. Sharp as a bolt of lightening, soft as a summer breeze. Your voice sends me shivers, your laugh makes me weak, your cries bring me to my knees….if only I could hear you scream. You make a heart fly like diving from a mountain top. Free falling and enjoying every second. No thought of the ground until you reached it….i reached it….and fell even further. A scrape is the description for any and every pain felt throughout an entire lifetime put together compared to the excruciation of losing you. A moments boredom is the sum of sorrow compiled throughout a lifetime when placed beside the depression of you having gone. Knowing I would be able to see you was like a snow day away from school. If only I could see you again would be to get a second ticket to live. Another chance at life that was so suddenly ended when you left…. The ability to get up…to run…away from one’s death bed. To have you forever would be heaven….my heaven at least. I had hoped it would be yours as well. I can still taste your milk & honey smell. The feel of your skin gliding past mine. The sheets on the bed lightly clothing, yet sliding away to the floor. The way the sun shone through the window and played lines across your beautiful face. I declare that this is what the angels must paint. This must be what god dreams of. How a person can turn to black and fall apart. If only you would walk through that door. The candle lights dance to your name. The photos on the wall stare down the empty halls. They watch each other…each reminding the other of happier times. Memories lost in each other. Each noise echoes without your background sounds to fill the empty spaces. Stars twinkle without meaning. They no longer hold the history of the false stories that you gave them. No more than hollow lighted gems. People….o the vast population, the sky of faces, the sea of clouds. Nothing make sense in a world where down is up and the past is now. How to turn back the running feet of time to hold your hands again? One more day I would spend….and when we fall asleep at the nights end…away you would go….and I would continue to sleep…to dream….to create a reason for you to stay with me. I could live an eternity in a false reality….happily. How I wouldn’t mind to be a fly on your wall…in fact I would stay and never fly away. ….you can walk all over me. I would remain….but on your carpet as a stain. Putting back a life with missing pieces will never be the same….will never be a work of art….could never be framed. Its not worth a damn. Neither is freedom to the insane. One gets used to seclusion. Comfortable in being alone….satisfied dwelling within a memory….being outside and calling it home….running back to whenest we come. Like a parched lizard in the miserable desert I am sucked dry…no longer can my eyes cry. Physical pain has taken over….actual suffering has begun. How much longer must I hear the sound of a clock? Are you getting closer with every tick? Or further with every tock? How you did crave me once….need me, obsess over me, lust for me….truly love me….only to suddenly not. This house of stone is molten rock, melting and shifting, flowing and burning away. Soon I will be completely exposed. Unsheltered, unclothed, unable…incapable…unloved and all alone….consisting of nothing but fear and self loath. Why wasn’t I enough? How much am I worth? Oh the cost of emotion given everything by the beggar only to be cheated and left with less than when come. I stay here only from fear for I know not what is after death. Such hell I should suffer now in agony awaiting the day you will come to me. But should I die and be rebirthed…the harder to find you between the spaces and parallels of universes. Should I die and go to heaven might be pleasant for I can float above, sweeping above the earth. I would guide and guard you, watch and admire you, adore and love you from afar. At least then I could see you. Watch you grow. No longer stuck on repeat would the memories continue to rerun along the ribbons of tape in my mind. If there was only a machine that could turn back time. I stay here to not admit to defeat….not to come to terms with you giving up on us….still hopeful that prayer and time might bring you back to our love….never facing that you have left me.Balloons and streamers decorating every wall. You sure know how to make a person feel special. You make a person feel worthless when you leave. You were the decoration to my life. The pearls on the icing on my favorite cake. The decoration to my life….the canvas of my existence. Your exciting like seeing the ocean for the very first time. How vast, deep, ever changing is she. Simply exhilarating. Sharp as a bolt of lightening, soft as a summer breeze. Your voice sends me shivers, your laugh makes me weak, your cries bring me to my knees….if only I could hear you scream. You make a heart fly like diving from a mountain top. Free falling and enjoying every second. No thought of the ground until you reached it….i reached it….and fell even further. A scrape is the description for any and every pain felt throughout an entire lifetime put together compared to the excruciation of losing you. A moments boredom is the sum of sorrow compiled throughout a lifetime when placed beside the depression of you having gone. Knowing I would be able to see you was like a snow day away from school. If only I could see you again would be to get a second ticket to live. Another chance at life that was so suddenly ended when you left…. The ability to get up…to run…away from one’s death bed. To have you forever would be heaven….my heaven at least. I had hoped it would be yours as well. I can still taste your milk & honey smell. The feel of your skin gliding past mine. The sheets on the bed lightly clothing, yet sliding away to the floor. The way the sun shone through the window and played lines across your beautiful face. I declare that this is what the angels must paint. This must be what god dreams of. How a person can turn to black and fall apart. If only you would walk through that door. The candle lights dance to your name. The photos on the wall stare down the empty halls. They watch each other…each reminding the other of happier times. Memories lost in each other. Each noise echoes without your background sounds to fill the empty spaces. Stars twinkle without meaning. They no longer hold the history of the false stories that you gave them. No more than hollow lighted gems. People….o the vast population, the sky of faces, the sea of clouds. Nothing make sense in a world where down is up and the past is now. How to turn back the running feet of time to hold your hands again? One more day I would spend….and when we fall asleep at the nights end…away you would go….and I would continue to sleep…to dream….to create a reason for you to stay with me. I could live an eternity in a false reality….happily. How I wouldn’t mind to be a fly on your wall…in fact I would stay and never fly away. ….you can walk all over me. I would remain….but on your carpet as a stain. Putting back a life with missing pieces will never be the same….will never be a work of art….could never be framed. Its not worth a damn. Neither is freedom to the insane. One gets used to seclusion. Comfortable in being alone….satisfied dwelling within a memory….being outside and calling it home….running back to whenest we come. Like a parched lizard in the miserable desert I am sucked dry…no longer can my eyes cry. Physical pain has taken over….actual suffering has begun. How much longer must I hear the sound of a clock? Are you getting closer with every tick? Or further with every tock? How you did crave me once….need me, obsess over me, lust for me….truly love me….only to suddenly not. This house of stone is molten rock, melting and shifting, flowing and burning away. Soon I will be completely exposed. Unsheltered, unclothed, unable…incapable…unloved and all alone….consisting of nothing but fear and self loath. Why wasn’t I enough? How much am I worth? Oh the cost of emotion given everything by the beggar only to be cheated and left with less than when come. I stay here only from fear for I know not what is after death. Such hell I should suffer now in agony awaiting the day you will come to me. But should I die and be rebirthed…the harder to find you between the spaces and parallels of universes. Should I die and go to heaven might be pleasant for I can float above, sweeping above the earth. I would guide and guard you, watch and admire you, adore and love you from afar. At least then I could see you. Watch you grow. No longer stuck on repeat would the memories continue to rerun along the ribbons of tape in my mind. If there was only a machine that could turn back time. I stay here to not admit to defeat….not to come to terms with you giving up on us….still hopeful that prayer and time might bring you back to our love….never facing that you have left me.Balloons and streamers decorating every wall. You sure know how to make a person feel special. You make a person feel worthless when you leave. You were the decoration to my life. The pearls on the icing on my favorite cake. The decoration to my life….the canvas of my existence. Your exciting like seeing the ocean for the very first time. How vast, deep, ever changing is she. Simply exhilarating. Sharp as a bolt of lightening, soft as a summer breeze. Your voice sends me shivers, your laugh makes me weak, your cries bring me to my knees….if only I could hear you scream. You make a heart fly like diving from a mountain top. Free falling and enjoying every second. No thought of the ground until you reached it….i reached it….and fell even further. A scrape is the description for any and every pain felt throughout an entire lifetime put together compared to the excruciation of losing you. A moments boredom is the sum of sorrow compiled throughout a lifetime when placed beside the depression of you having gone. Knowing I would be able to see you was like a snow day away from school. If only I could see you again would be to get a second ticket to live. Another chance at life that was so suddenly ended when you left…. The ability to get up…to run…away from one’s death bed. To have you forever would be heaven….my heaven at least. I had hoped it would be yours as well. I can still taste your milk & honey smell. The feel of your skin gliding past mine. The sheets on the bed lightly clothing, yet sliding away to the floor. The way the sun shone through the window and played lines across your beautiful face. I declare that this is what the angels must paint. This must be what god dreams of. How a person can turn to black and fall apart. If only you would walk through that door. The candle lights dance to your name. The photos on the wall stare down the empty halls. They watch each other…each reminding the other of happier times. Memories lost in each other. Each noise echoes without your background sounds to fill the empty spaces. Stars twinkle without meaning. They no longer hold the history of the false stories that you gave them. No more than hollow lighted gems. People….o the vast population, the sky of faces, the sea of clouds. Nothing make sense in a world where down is up and the past is now. How to turn back the running feet of time to hold your hands again? One more day I would spend….and when we fall asleep at the nights end…away you would go….and I would continue to sleep…to dream….to create a reason for you to stay with me. I could live an eternity in a false reality….happily. How I wouldn’t mind to be a fly on your wall…in fact I would stay and never fly away. ….you can walk all over me. I would remain….but on your carpet as a stain. Putting back a life with missing pieces will never be the same….will never be a work of art….could never be framed. Its not worth a damn. Neither is freedom to the insane. One gets used to seclusion. Comfortable in being alone….satisfied dwelling within a memory….being outside and calling it home….running back to whenest we come. Like a parched lizard in the miserable desert I am sucked dry…no longer can my eyes cry. Physical pain has taken over….actual suffering has begun. How much longer must I hear the sound of a clock? Are you getting closer with every tick? Or further with every tock? How you did crave me once….need me, obsess over me, lust for me….truly love me….only to suddenly not. This house of stone is molten rock, melting and shifting, flowing and burning away. Soon I will be completely exposed. Unsheltered, unclothed, unable…incapable…unloved and all alone….consisting of nothing but fear and self loath. Why wasn’t I enough? How much am I worth? Oh the cost of emotion given everything by the beggar only to be cheated and left with less than when come. I stay here only from fear for I know not what is after death. Such hell I should suffer now in agony awaiting the day you will come to me. But should I die and be rebirthed…the harder to find you between the spaces and parallels of universes. Should I die and go to heaven might be pleasant for I can float above, sweeping above the earth. I would guide and guard you, watch and admire you, adore and love you from afar. At least then I could see you. Watch you grow. No longer stuck on repeat would the memories continue to rerun along the ribbons of tape in my mind. If there was only a machine that could turn back time. I stay here to not admit to defeat….not to come to terms with you giving up on us….still hopeful that prayer and time might bring you back to our love….never facing that you have left me.