Official Consensus on the Gastrointestinal Systems of Fantastical Creatures

It has been a long debated issue within the Fantastical Studies community as to which species expels the most pungent waste from their bowels. Over the centuries, researchers have narrowed it down to two species: angels and fairies. Angel experts, and even some angels themselves, maintain that their excrement is far worse than any creature as small as a fairy could produce. Fairies have little to say on the matter, and the argument for their flatulence is made primarily by the groups dedicated to observing them.

One of the things that has made this debate so difficult is the odd fact that angel flatulence is unable to be compared to fairy flatulence and fairy fecal matter cannot be compared to angel feces, either. By all accounts, fairy feces and angel flatulence are nearly undetectable while their opposites have been known to clear all life from holy chambers and even large sections of forested areas. Since the two are rarely found in the same places and both are known to be elusive and finicky creatures, it has taken teams of researchers a rather long time to collect the data necessary to determine which is more offensive to the senses. Thankfully, after centuries of research and speculation, The Committee for Fantastical Biology has come to a consensus.

Fairies have energy systems that rely predominantly on air and starlight. Their bodies take in the gases from the air around them and uses them to stay lightweight so their wings do not have to work quite as hard. The starlight is absorbed through their unique layers of skin and gives them the energy needed to zip around the forest. The fairies then supplement themselves with a diet of moss and fungi. The waste from these elements are expelled from their bodies in two ways: their skin and their anuses. Fairies are known to "sweat" a shimmery powder, known in layman's terms as pixie dust. Pixie dust has many uses and is sought after by magical practitioners and "rave kids" for its divinatory properties and hallucinogenic effects. From their bowels comes a small but concentrated stream of flatulence that is highly combustible and has been known to cause forest fires as well as asphyxiation in humanoid species. The gas is expelled in bursts, and due to a fairy's constant turnover of energy, it is consistently released from their bodies. Fairy feces is something akin to rodent pellets, typically odorless, and is usually found within close proximity to flushes of mushrooms.

Angels, however, can process any source of light for energy but sustain themselves mainly on cloud vapor. As the vapor travels through their body, it becomes more dense and exits in a more solid form than which it entered. Angels who are consuming pure, clean clouds are likely to have bowel movements that smell something similar to static and are hot enough to burn through steel. But due to the constant pollution in Earth's air, more and more angels are consuming cloud vapor that is riddled with harmful chemicals and gases. While angels have a very effective detoxification system that allows them go unaffected, these toxins are expelled from the body in sludge-like clumps. Like fairy farts, these toxic clumps are highly combustible and make it very easy to know when an angel has visited Earth.

It is a logical conclusion that due to the similarity in the energy systems and consumption habits of angels and fairies, the two would be very strongly matched in the way their bodies function. However, since fairies still rely on some sort of organic matter to thrive, the official consensus is that the decay and eventual expulsion of used organic matter from their bodies makes their waste more pungent and therefore smellier to more beings. The Officials for Angel Relations have stated that they are divided over the findings, as some angels feel shame over not surpassing the fairies while others are only further convinced of their superiority. There has been no word from the Folks for Fairy Affiliation, but sources have stated the fairies do not particularly care about these results.

The Committee would like to note that in their research, it was revealed angel feces contaminated with toxic cloud vapor can cause cancerous cells in humans. If discovered, please contact the Magical Waste Unit as soon as possible to ensure proper disposal. If you are in the forest for long periods of time, please be sure to bring Committee approved gas masks in the event of a strong wave of fairy flatulence and of course, always check for traces of fairy gas before lighting campfires.