You Idiot!

“You Idiot!”

The words, her words, echoed in my head,

constantly,

continuously,

every day for the last six years.

Of all of the ideas she had,

all of the songs she sang,

and all of the blessings she gave,

it was only these words I could not distance myself from.

“You Idiot!”

I should have told her the truth and I should have told her the instant I knew.

I wanted to shield her from the impact it would have on us.

If she knew, it would destroy all she ever worked for.

If she knew I knew, it would destroy her.

She would become a shell of her past.

That person you remember fondly until you remember why you are remembering.

It always ends poorly for such people.

She was now such people.

“You Idiot!”

I hear it.

I see it.

I can even taste it.

Her words resonate and permeate my senses.

Her words drive me toward a resolution, six years too late, but better late than never.

I can’t save her.

That ship has sailed.

I can’t save myself.

I will never be the man she wanted.

Sometimes I believe that ship was never meant to sail.

“You Idiot!”

But I help those that don’t even realize they need my help.

These people I target dangle on the precipice of ruin, only inches from despair.

From their POV, they see only their past, maybe my past.

From my POV, I see their one possible future if they are to have any future.

I am an idiot.

But, for today at least,

I can prevent another from joining my club.