Lists

3 reasons your cat may be a CIA agent:

Top Investigator Award: (1) Always knowing what I’m eating despite my attempts to hide it from him (100% powers of perception with boiled peanuts or chips and dip); (2) Always knowing I’m about to walk in the door and taking a dump right beforehand to ensure the room is adequately “fragranced” and warmly welcoming; (3) Always knowing my alarm will go off in 5 minutes and alerting me of the same by either bouncing across the bed at 100 miles per hour or purring loudly a scant 1 mm from my face.

3 reasons the aliens left without bothering:

Aliens Deserted Us Because Of: (1) Our low minimum wage; (2) Our uninspired alien films; (3) Our slow means of travel.

3 reasons why the FDA actually approves of alcohol/ nicotine:

Alcohol & Nicotine Abuse Encouraged Because: (1) They would like us all to die before a certain age so that our benefits go unclaimed/unpaid; (2) We’re much more tolerable and likeable when indulging (judging purely from personal experience); (3) The alcohol and nicotine business is booming – a bourbon/tequila/vodka for every actor and fancy or hip cigarettes to suit every taste and style.

3 excuses to call out of work so you can go fishing:

Reasons to play hooky and go fishing: (1) You fell asleep and forgot to paint your toenails; (2) You have accrued a total of 8.25 hours in sick leave (and it’s literally burning a hole in your pocket, much like money); (3) Your friend reports the fish aren’t biting (a bad day fishing is always better than a good day at work).

Wait… what is that hiding in the corner?

Three things hiding in the corner: (1) Good Lord, it’s my bra – from 1976; (2) Time to sweep - it’s a collection of toenail clippings; (3) Oh my God - it’s my ex.