keep the change

It is quite possible that no one but God really knew him. This slow old man standing across the counter avoided direct eye contact as he placed two items to be purchased in in front of me. Having passed through the litany of first impressions and prejudiced notions about what I think he is, he lingers in my attention, maybe even just a half a second longer than is typical with this sort of interaction. One comes to realize when in the face of hundreds of strangers each day just how fleeting life can be. Entire persons, some beautiful, some not as much (to me anyway) passing through like a river, over a 9 hour period; ceaselessly moving in the door, through the store to checkout and off to the car. An assembly line designed subtly by minds much more focused than mine on efficiency.

And here was this man, buying a drill bit and a candybar, shuffling through his wallet to find the $4.29 he owes for the lot, having neglected to round up his change for charity. Counting out pennies now he mutters some quiet apology for how long this is taking and I quickly assure him that everything is just fine while glancing to the side at the line that was now forming. In this space of time, so many meaningful questions could be asked, so many statements of love and care, some good will established between two people but I just looked at him with impatience in my heart and a banal expression of non-threatening joyishness on my face suggesting that I really wouldn't mind if this took all day.

It takes effort to care about people. It's one thing to be kind and attentive, and to do your job in a professional manner. Those are important attributes in a healthy and productive life. But to care, actually care. Well I'm not so sure I even know how to do that. This guy in front of me may be so used to being invisible that this interaction would hold no bearing on him, even if it were his last. I wondered how little thought, how little time or devotion might have been spent on him, or the person behind him for that matter. And yet through this near-pity I still notice the uprising of impatient anger, the goal-oriented "I'm just trying to do my job" attitude that sort of molds my personality here at work and there isn't a second that I'm on the clock that it doesn't feel justifiable to think of these people as "customers". Nothing more than small separate goals accomplished through short scripted interactions. No relationships, no feelings, just "hello", "how are ya", "goodbye".

He actually looks at me:

"Looks like I'm gonna have to break a fifty"

"Not a problem sir,"

money is exchanged, and our hands touch briefly causing me to instantly think that I need to use some hand sanitizer, which I will promptly do as soon as I'm done here. His change is $45.71, I have to open a roll of quarters and a baby starts to cry from the back of the line. Some of the faces are becoming noticeably upset at having to wait more than 120 seconds to get through the checkout and I can't tell if they're upset with him or me.

As I reach out to give him the money he looks me dead in the eye and closes both hands around mine, folding my hand into a tight fist with the money inside. He doesn't smile, or say anything, he just puts a finger over his lips making this now an incredibly private moment despite the eyes of strangers on us.

It was the nicest thing a person had done for me in a long time.