Each inverted shot glass trembled as David’s eighth slammed down with the tensest punctuation yet. The parade of them made him feel as if he wasn’t inebriating alone. Uno had been for pain, his dos the opening that attempted to decode the human heart. But by eight he was beyond the broken ghosts in Jocelyn’s bed, convincing himself more each second that this queerest of cats must certainly work for the CIA, all while staring directly at his dog.

She was smart, that brand of intellect that reveals a lifetime of cross-referencing footnotes and trusting microfiche reels more than Google hits. That made it all the more a shame when, after fifteen years, Carla had yet to figure out how every scoop of scat from the litterbox spelled out “cut the blue wire” in hexadecimal.

All I said was, “We’re not going to the vet,” and it was like she knew I was lying.

The entire team of engineers failed to grasp her orders. After all, until such time as one was stupid enough to fill the heavens with too many ships, there really was no reason to construct a reverse setting. This was space. Yet the he viewscreen’s image of Paula Deen preparing a turducken explained what their captain could not. They were on it.

“People of Earth, we come in peace to Mars as you are batshit crazy at home.”

“Yeah. Uh, we’re gonna have to change the whole first contact rulebook from warp signature, to like, whenever the hell those Earth people resolve corporate personhood.”

FDA. We bring you unfiltered Camels to help waste you through the eye of that needle.

Hey kids! FaDA Bear says, “Drink up on potato vodka. It’ll sterilize whatever we missed.”

"Well, we used to be the Food and Dildo Administration, but then someone dipped a strap-on in hot sauce and ruined it for everybody."

"I can’t come in today, Barbara. My wife and I had a fight and she freed my comfort marlin."

"Sarge, you’re not just my superior officer, you’re my best friend. I got this. I ride shotgun in your squad car everyday, sometimes to hell and back. Just like that I’m going to be there, at arm’s length, proud, when you and Margo take that plunge, bind yourselves to each other and start a new life together. I got your back just like you’ve always had mine. But which is more important right now? The 10-89 on Waylon and Main that’s probably a hoax, or the very real possibility that some grizzly is gonna scoop up the very salmon that leapt out of the stream and swallowed the ring?"

"Oh yeah, it’s a thing. You know how you can’t scuba dive and fly in the same 24 hours? You can’t go surfcasting and collate in the same day. People’s wrists have been know to disintegrate."

Though brave enough to take down yesterday’s bison with just a leap and a bone knife, Stone Walker grew increasingly concerned about that which was hiding in the corner, especially as he lived in the tribe’s roundest teepee.

"Look, it’s either that one-eyed, mouth-foaming ratzilla, or your mother, and if it’s the latter I refuse to go after it."

To the human onlookers, it was a horrifying series of clicks and glottal stops amidst the shrill and shrieking din that came from the bigger one’s unhinged jaw. What they didn’t know was that this was simply Spreeklottle getting chewed out by his commander for not having read his rapid colonization handbook, an oversight evidenced by Chapter 7 “The Planet of Rectangular Houses,” and the bloody mess at the recruit’s feet proving that he’d tried to hide in the coroner.