More Lists

1) Where is that sexy voice coming from?

Answers:

Uranus. It's an astrologic thing...you wouldn't understand.

Uranus. It's an astronomic thing...you wouldn't understand.

Your anus. It's a guy thing...you wouldn't understand. (The evidence: "What's that asshole saying now, sexy or not?")

2) Ghost encounters

I haven't done my taxes in over 20 years. I am ghosting counters.

My ghost showed up early. I'm not even dead yet. WTF?

I just met someone who is me from a previous life, so I'm a little confused.

3) My significant other did what???

Threw out all the M&Ms with Ws on them because they were defective.

Asked me if I would use dilating eye drops on my penis. It worked, but my penis keeps bumping into things. And squints all the time.

Went drinking with Lorena Bobbit and came home with this crazy look in her eye.

4) Lies my dog told about me.

That I smell like shit. (He was patronizing me.)

Asked me why I wanted to take him to the vet next Monday to get tutored. (Stolen from the Far Side) Not really a lie, well...yea, tutored. We'll go with that.

"Woof, woof, arghrrgh!" (That vicious liar. No wonder the other dogs hate me.)

5) Last night I had the craziest dream!

Vlad Putin wanted to friend me on Facebook. Is it a trick?

That I was defoliating the Hanging Gardens of Babylon. Chalk off one more wonder of the world.

I dreamed I was not insane. Crazy, huh?