1) Phone Sex

A. "Has anyone ever told you that you have a really sexy voice?"

B. "Yeah, I used to work for the radio station when I was in college. You should hear me whisper."

C. Barely audible bedroom whisper in his left ear, a little raspy with unbearable sexxxy resonance..."Get the fuck outta here creep."

2) Mean Spirited

A. "I think this roommate situation will work out well, but there's something you should know. There's a ghost that's been fucking with me. He tried to kill my last roommate. His name is Jameson."

B. "Okay, that's cool. Good to know. Lucky for you, ghosts love me."

C. Six months later: Fucking Jameson knocked over my whole goddam box of Goldfish just to be a dick. What a monster.

3) Ghosted

A. "Where are you? What happened? I'm so confused." Radio silence.

B. Unanswered texts = 37. Unreturned phone calls = 15. Profound voicemails = 1.

C. "I've decided to leave you one singular voicemail since you're ghosting me after 4 months together. It's called Casper the Cowardly Ghost. I hope you like it, you stupid mother fucker." **True story. I did this** :) :) :)

4) Lie with the Dogs

A. "Your boyfriend left you because you have a terrible singing voice."

B. "You didn't deserve to be ghosted."

C. "I'm a nice dog."

5) Nightmares

A. "How's your novel coming along?"

B. "Not great, but my mean dog and Jameson believe in me."

C. Unwritten chapters = 37. Thank God my radio silence has a sexy voice.

1) Where is that sexy voice coming from?

Answers:

Uranus. It's an astrologic thing...you wouldn't understand.

Uranus. It's an astronomic thing...you wouldn't understand.

Your anus. It's a guy thing...you wouldn't understand. (The evidence: "What's that asshole saying now, sexy or not?")

2) Ghost encounters

I haven't done my taxes in over 20 years. I am ghosting counters.

My ghost showed up early. I'm not even dead yet. WTF?

I just met someone who is me from a previous life, so I'm a little confused.

3) My significant other did what???

Threw out all the M&Ms with Ws on them because they were defective.

Asked me if I would use dilating eye drops on my penis. It worked, but my penis keeps bumping into things. And squints all the time.

Went drinking with Lorena Bobbit and came home with this crazy look in her eye.

4) Lies my dog told about me.

That I smell like shit. (He was patronizing me.)

Asked me why I wanted to take him to the vet next Monday to get tutored. (Stolen from the Far Side) Not really a lie, well...yea, tutored. We'll go with that.

"Woof, woof, arghrrgh!" (That vicious liar. No wonder the other dogs hate me.)

5) Last night I had the craziest dream!

Vlad Putin wanted to friend me on Facebook. Is it a trick?

That I was defoliating the Hanging Gardens of Babylon. Chalk off one more wonder of the world.

I dreamed I was not insane. Crazy, huh?