Mean Dogs & Goldfish

1) Phone Sex

A. "Has anyone ever told you that you have a really sexy voice?"

B. "Yeah, I used to work for the radio station when I was in college. You should hear me whisper."

C. Barely audible bedroom whisper in his left ear, a little raspy with unbearable sexxxy resonance..."Get the fuck outta here creep."

2) Mean Spirited

A. "I think this roommate situation will work out well, but there's something you should know. There's a ghost that's been fucking with me. He tried to kill my last roommate. His name is Jameson."

B. "Okay, that's cool. Good to know. Lucky for you, ghosts love me."

C. Six months later: Fucking Jameson knocked over my whole goddam box of Goldfish just to be a dick. What a monster.

3) Ghosted

A. "Where are you? What happened? I'm so confused." Radio silence.

B. Unanswered texts = 37. Unreturned phone calls = 15. Profound voicemails = 1.

C. "I've decided to leave you one singular voicemail since you're ghosting me after 4 months together. It's called Casper the Cowardly Ghost. I hope you like it, you stupid mother fucker." **True story. I did this** :) :) :)

4) Lie with the Dogs

A. "Your boyfriend left you because you have a terrible singing voice."

B. "You didn't deserve to be ghosted."

C. "I'm a nice dog."

5) Nightmares

A. "How's your novel coming along?"

B. "Not great, but my mean dog and Jameson believe in me."

C. Unwritten chapters = 37. Thank God my radio silence has a sexy voice.