Memorize numbers, suits, and Fool’s Journey to read tarot cards, but intuition is the best interpreter.

The Minor Arcana consists of four suits, numbered 1-10, signifying life situations.

Cups = emotions, connections, relationships

Wands = creativity, passion, purpose

Pentacles = material, physical world

Swords = intellect, strategy, conflict

Aces are new beginnings.

Fives are challenges.

Tens represent completions, endings, and new beginnings again.

Major Arcana cards signify life’s themes and milestones.

The Fool takes leaps of faith. Lovers are vulnerable. Hanged Man requires different perspectives. Death is transformative. Judgement is about you, not others.

Tarot is cyclical. So is life.

1. Inexperienced murderers dig the shallowest graves.

2. The robots killed everything except dogs.

3. Fat chickens make delicious chicken nuggets.

P.S. My favorite Hemingway quote

"Never sit a table when you can stand at the bar."

God doesn't want me

And Lucifer doesn't either.

My family doesn't like me.

I don't like me either.

I know I'm going to Hell when I die,

But I'll probably live forever

Because God doesn't want me

And Lucifer doesn't either.

Like all the best things in my life, my name magically fell into my lap at the perfect moment. I didn’t ask for it, I didn’t need it, I didn’t work for it or agonize over it, and I didn’t question it. I knew it was meant for me immediately. I knew it was a gift. I didn’t choose my name; my name named itself.

If you saw a picture of me, you might think I’m pretty. You might think I’m cute or smart or dumb. You might think a lot of things. One thing you probably wouldn’t think…I’m scary.

I’m dark and twisted. I’m afraid of my own thoughts. I’m tormented and tortured. The only dreams I remember are nightmares. I love scaring children and watching scary movies. I scream when I’m scared and my screams will scare you too.

There’s a beautiful juxtaposition within me.

Pretty girl.

Scary girl.

Scary stories.

Pretty Scaries.

“Would you help me cover up my crime if I murdered someone?” I like posing dark questions to my roommate about unlikely scenarios.

“It depends,” Morgan says. “If you had a good reason for killing the person, and I thought we could get away with it, then yes. Otherwise, I’d report you to the police and sell my story to Dateline.”

“Fair enough. Would you be surprised if I killed someone?”

“Definitely not. Would you be surprised to know I took out an insurance policy on your life?” Morgan doesn’t even look up from her phone. She’s like an evil queen.

“I’d be more surprised that you can afford to pay the premiums on an insurance policy. How are you planning to kill me?”

“Probably poison.” Morgan puts her phone down and her eyes twinkle with diabolic delight. “I would steal something lethal from work. It would have to be untraceable in your bloodwork, or something they don’t test for during an autopsy. I’d kill you while you’re drunk and doing drugs so everyone would assume it was an overdose.”

I’m amused. “It’s like you’ve thought about this before.”

“Because I have.” Morgan is beaming with joy.

“Don’t you think you’d be the primary suspect since you’d be getting money from the life insurance?” Now I’m wondering if I should get a policy on her too.

“I wouldn’t be greedy and cash it out right away. I would mourn for your loss first. Besides, there’s plenty of other good suspects. Drug dealers, ex boyfriends, jealous lovers. That’s only if the police think it’s a homicide, which they won’t because you're a likely candidate for accidental overdose.” She has a point.

“You’re my best friend Morgan.” And she is.

They call me a night owl with disdain dripping like blood from their cracked lips

Don’t you know night owls exist to protect the early birds?

The early bird might catch the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Cheese is immeasurably more delicious than worms.

I only exist after 9 pm. I rarely sleep.

I keep the campfire lit.

I keep the wolves away.

I’ll be accepting the apologies of day walkers on Tuesdays.

You should never talk about politics or religion at the dinner table, but religion is my favorite topic.

I was born Catholic, but I hated it.

By the age of seven, I knew I wasn't Catholic.

My aunt once told me being Catholic is similar to being Jewish. You're born Catholic and you're Catholic for life. You'll always be Catholic whether you like it or not. Similarly, if you're born Jewish, you'll always be Jewish. You're Jewish for life, like it or not.

When I was 18, I told my mother I was Unitarian and she cried.

In my early twenties, I identified as agnostic or atheist.

In my thirties, I was sort of agnostic, kind of atheist, but I was mostly a scientist.

Religion is complex, but I've always believed in fate and I've never liked going to church.

Today I'm 37 and I finally found God.

More specifically, I found Mr. Steve Harvey's God.

It sounds insane, but I love Steve Harvey, and the way he talks about God is awesome.

His God is friendly, generous, and powerful.

I like Mr. Steve Harvey's God.

He is kind, forgiving, and full of grace.

When God gives you His grace, He forgives you when you don't deserve to be forgiven.

Grace is undeserved forgiveness.

I found God at 37 years old when I asked Steve Harvey's God for grace, and he gave it to me the very next day.

God came through. He came through the next day. He finally showed up. I got proof.

I like to talk about religion with everyone.

Faith is complicated.

People are inherently good, but they're flawed.

Mr. Steve Harvey's God is dope.

Church sucks.

Someone tell my aunt that I'm definitely not Catholic.