An excerpt from 11.26.2023

Mom said yesterday how bad she feels like she has ruined my life or something. I told her that isn't true. I know she didn’t do this on purpose and nothing is her fault, but the truth is that events like these make you see your life differently, it’s unavoidable. I don’t know exactly what I am seeing just yet, the full picture is not clear; I am still waiting for all the dust to settle.

Jim Carrey says that being depressed is your body’s way of telling you to wake up, that it isn’t happy playing the role you have assigned it. What role does my body not want to play? Is it the regular life role, the regular person role? Or is it this new caretaker role?

I miss my routine. I miss being able to focus on myself, on my inner landscapes, on going to the gym. But, also, wasn't I bored with that? Wasn’t that just as unfulfilling?

What do I want? What would make me happy? Sometimes I’m afraid that Claire is right, that there isn’t anything.

I try to do thought experiments to figure out what might happen if I had endless supplies of money. Would that make me happy? What would I do with millions of dollars? I could hire all the contractors to update my house and mom’s house. I could travel the world and see new sites, try new foods, and meet new people. I could spend my days learning from masters and acquiring skills in areas that interest me like playing the piano, meditation, reading cards, and writing. I could go shopping and buy pretty things. I could get the surgeries done that would enhance the way I see myself. Then what?

Are all those just distractions from depression? Is that all life is, depression and distraction from depression? Does genuine happiness exist? Can it be sustained? What is genuine happiness for me?

Everything I know says that happiness comes from within and is a choice we make over and again, it’s not just a one-time thing. I have to continue to choose happiness. If I say I am happy right now those are just words, which the feeling that is inside me does not match up to. How do I match the feeling up to the words?

I want to get there to that genuine place of happiness inside myself that is not based on a person, place, or thing, but I don’t know how. I don’t know what it is or looks like. I don’t know what it means to live that life, but I want to know. What is genuine for me?