A Giant Gun Filled with Drugs

I spent a long time

Drowning under the delusion that my life would change on its own

Smothered in the belief that I could sit back and let life happen to me

Suffocating from the notion that I can be different by simply being older

Drunkenly stumbling into the traffic jam of my emotions

Hopelessly playing Russian Roulette with a giant gun filled with drugs

Hoping

But the common denominator of these verbs

Is that they all end in me dying