Notes on grief

A ravenous hunger that can’t be tamed.

A pit of your stomach falls and circles the drain

pulling you

down

towards the bottom of It all.

Before the last time you took a deep break between the moment you heard the news.

Being unable to breathe in a cloud of oxygen tearing at your lungs holding on hope for one last goodbye.

Tears flowing until there is no more moisture in your body to get you through the day.

Hydrated on the high of life, rewatching the catastrophe over and over in your minds eye, hoping one day you can remember without the smell sound and rattle of the last moments. In and out in and out gasping at the top of each breath, fuels your day dreams your nightmares your quiet moments. Hoping you push through knowing you will never be the same, the world will never be the same without you. Growing old and hoping that there is another side for you to wait.

To smoke that cigarette,

To chisme about all you have missed. Drifting into space trying to hold on to this nightmare with bare white knuckles because reality is busy and full, It helps me save a hollow space in my chest for you to know you were real.

Hoping one day to fill It again.

(didn’t quite know how to end It, hoping It portrays the suffocation I’ve been feeling in my absence)